I would give anything to not be writing this post right now. I lost a friend to suicide today. I've known her since I was sixteen. Every memory I have of her is laced with laughter and a smile. And I don't say that out of respect for her memory....it's the truth. She was the girl who made everyone laugh, who put a smile on everyone's face. She struggled with addiction throughout her life, but the last time I saw her she was winning the battle. My last memory of her was seeing the Marilyn Manson and Smashing Pumpkins tour with her a couple of months ago and sharing the best bbq pork sandwich in the world passing it back and forth between bites and her telling me about her plans for the future and talking about old times and laughing our asses off and taking pictures all night. I'm happy with my last memory of her.
But I HATE that it's my last memory of her. I'm nowhere near a place yet that I can accept that it's my last memory of her. I've been privileged enough to never have experienced suicidal thoughts myself, though I have gone through lengthy depressive episodes. I can't imagine what it's like to get to the point where it feels like the only option is to take your life. Depression is a horrible, hopeless beast. And it lies and it tells you that you're alone. It tells you that no one understands you. That no one is there for you. That you're a bother to people. That this will never end. But it does. It does end. It gets better. Sometimes it takes the help of professionals to point you in that direction and show you how it gets better. Sometimes it takes the voice of a friend. Sometimes it takes reading a blog post which is why I'm writing this right now. Know that someone is thinking of YOU even if you just googled "suicide" and came across this post. People care and there is hope and there is light in life.
Depression lies.
Since hearing the news of my friend's death, I've talked to numerous people that I haven't talked to since high school. A whole group of friends that all knew this same person...all people that are so sad to hear about her passing. These are all people who still kept in touch with her even though we haven't all kept in touch with each other. It's been a reminder of how many people there are out there. How many people there are that love and care for this person. How many people's lives she touched. Whatever she was going through didn't let her see that. Or maybe it did, but that wasn't enough.
I don't mean to be dismissive of depression here. I won't say "suicide is for cowards"...I hate when people say that. It takes a lot for someone to take their life and to get to that point mentally. I can't imagine how exhausting that has to be, how terrifying, how horribly alone and sad. I'm a licensed mental health profession who does admissions at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I have years of experience with people who are acutely suicidal. I know how horrible of a place that is and that it's not a place that anyone would choose to be and that it feels that there is no other option at that point.
Let me tell you this. Someone always cares. I care. If you're a complete stranger to me, I care. I have had numerous people over the years tell me that I saved their lives. And I am not saying that in any way to brag and I would never share that information if it weren't for this purpose. When you feel like you are alone, like there is no one in your life that cares about you and no one you can reach out to, call a hospital. There are licensed professionals who do the same type of work that I do who do this work because we care. It's a high stress job and I promise you that's the reason we choose to stay in that job..because we're passionate about it. If you can, reach out to a family member, reach out to a friend. If you go through those options and say or feel that you don't have family or friends, you still have someone...me! Or the equivalent of me. Call a hospital and ask for an admissions counselor or just go to your nearest ER. Or if you can't do that just call 911. Help is always available and sometimes the bravest and best thing you can ever do for yourself is pick up the phone and hit three buttons and trust that it's the right thing even if it doesn't feel like its worth it. Put it in someone else's hands. For whatever reason, this friend of mine either felt she couldn't do that or was blinded by her depression and didn't think of that. Unfortunately, we will never know what happened.
Taking your life means taking away any possibility for any positives in the future. It cannot be reversed. In a depressed state, we don't tend to think about the good things in life. That's a fact. But they are there. I promise you. You're just not focused on them at all right now. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there's no problem that can't be faced, regardless of how insurmountable it feels. Once again, there's help out there for whatever you're going through. Things may not be easy to face. I won't lie and say they are, but they are rarely as ugly as depression and fear and trauma make them out to be in our heads.
Please always fight. Remember that DEPRESSION LIES. It tells great big ugly lies that feel and sound so true at the time but they are not. Somebody always cares. Someone needs you to fight. You have a beautiful life ahead of you filled with literally endless roads and possibilities and it will be so exciting to explore what those roads are and where they'll take you. The journey is just now starting. Don't slam on the brakes, refill your tank instead.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Monday, October 5, 2015
On Discovering New Intersections In Life
I'm finding myself at this weird intersection in life that I've never come across before. It's a mixture of emotions that is so hard to describe because I don't know that there is a way to describe it. For the last few months, I've basically dropped off of the face of the earth. That's mainly because I've been in this bizarre period of life where so much is up in the air. My normal reaction to stress and depression is to cower from it....run from it...seclude myself. The thing is, when I go through depressive episodes, they normally only last a couple of months, max, and even during them, they're manageable with the self care techniques I've adapted over the years. And with stress, I've adapted to being able to thrive off of it for the most part. But this year has been different. Even before my dad's cancer diagnosis.
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.
The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.
My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.
I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.
This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.
I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."
More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.
So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.
I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.
I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.
I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!
Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.
The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.
My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.
I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.
This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.
I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."
More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.
So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.
I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.
I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.
I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!
Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Life in Bullet Points
- COLD FRONT!!!!!!! Right now it is 68 degrees with 65% humidity :D And tomorrow the high is 82!! With the lows in the low 50s with sunny skies, breezy and low humidity! AND it's the first Saints game of the season that isn't preseason. FALL YOU GUYS!!!!! Can you tell I get a little bit giddy when I get the first taste of fall? It's amazing what a little bit of relief from the heat can do for me...that's all I ask...for it not to feel like the devil's asshole all of the time. I was slammed at work today and I kept a smile on my face all day, partly because of the weather. The best part of it all? The 10 day forecast currently doesn't have ANY 90 degree temps anywhere in site. Which gives me hope that the worst of it is officially over! Made it through another summer :p
- Megan sent me this picture today and I laughed my ass off. I also wish that I could be that skinny again :p Ah, the goth days, how I miss thee. Yes, that's a fishnet shirt with a black velour shirt over it and yes I have eyeliner on.
- I discovered this live version of Joanna Newsom performing Peach, Plum, Pear from 2006 this week and I've probably watched/listened to it 20 times. It's one of the best live performances I think I've ever seen! I swear I love her so much. That harp solo at the end is just so amazing and so beautiful. And to think that I once said that I couldn't stand her :/ I cannot WAIT for her new album in October!! And I'm so hoping that she comes back here again...seeing her during her last tour was one of the best shows I've ever been to. So jealous of Ana who's getting to see her during the first leg of the tour :p
- Dad's biopsy is Tuesday. So many mixed up emotions with that. Part of me is so anxious for it to be over with and wishes that it would've been done a month ago and I hate that treatment has been put off this long and that we still don't know what we're dealing with. The other part of me is terrified of what they will find and what the result will be and the reality that I'll have to face once the biopsy is done. I just have to not get ahead of myself right now.
- Oddly enough, I find myself somewhat enjoying work lately....a statement I NEVER thought I would hear come out of my mouth. At least not while I'm at my current place of work. Nothing has changed there except for me. And I feel like I could write a book, really, on what has changed. The essential change that it boils down to though is that I've allowed myself to connect again with the patients I work with and I've made an effort to disconnect with the drama of the workplace. Or maybe it's that I stopped making the effort to connect with the drama. I don't know which it is really. Since my dad's diagnosis I've had a realization that life is too short to focus on bullshit. I think the medication change that my psychiatrist did has helped a lot too. But it's been nice to find passion in my work again. I don't want to pretend that I don't have my frustrating times still. And I still want to get out of there and eventually get to just private practice...that's my true passion. But at least things have been more tolerable.
- Having said that, I need to get back to doing more things for myself. I was thinking about that last night. I rarely get to read anymore. I don't do simple, little things like play games on my iPhone that I used to enjoy. I haven't gotten to garden much recently. I haven't been walking in a long time. I haven't taken a good, long, hot bath with a book in over a month. I haven't had a massage in a long time. I could go on. Lately, I work, I come home, and I lay on my sofa and catch up on my DVR. Which is fine...I enjoy all of the shows I've been watching. But I miss all of those other things. TV is not a life. I need to get back to life again.
- I have been listening to an audiobook that I'm SO in love with! The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat by Oliver Sacks. I wanted to finally read something of his when I heard he passed away, which was so sad :( I had read a few of his essays over the years, but I still haven't read any of his books despite owning most of them. He's one of those authors that I just knew I'd love even though I'd never read him, so I've collected most of his books :p Sure enough, I'm loving this book. I've always been fascinated by the brain. My favorite classes in college were my neuropsych classes. One of my best friends at work is a doctor who is a psychiatrist who specializes in neuropsychiatry. I LOVE hearing her talk about some of her patients and the way the brain works. Anyway, this book has been truly fascinating so far and I can't wait to keep reading more of his work.
- Time to make a to do list for the week and hope I'm more successful than I was this week!
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Jumping Back Into The Waters
Today is the start of a new month and it marks the end of the toughest months of the year for me. I HATE July and August. With a passion. Seriously. They literally just drain the life out of me every year. The reason being, the heat is just so unbearable and so stifling in New Orleans. We stay between 90-100 degrees throughout the months of July and August but the heat index and humidity makes it feel in excess of 110 and it's just exhausting. It feels like you can drink the air on some days. I have a hard time understanding people who love the summer and the heat. I'll take the cold any day over the heat! This year was just especially bad. It hasn't been a good year to begin with. I could write for days on why and in time I'm sure I'll get it all down here, but suffice it to say, I really would've liked to just fast forward through these last two months.
BUT, a cool front came through last week reminding me that there's an end to this relentless heat and that Fall is right around the corner! And with that cool front came back my desire to blog again finally. Or at least to get back to writing. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to use this blog for now to do that for a number of reasons. First, let me say that this is not a private blog...it's set up as a blog that anyone can view and I don't mind anyone reading or commenting on what I post here! So if you've found your way here or if you've visited here before, hello :) At the same time, there's a reason I'm writing on this blog. I'm not ready to go back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on. I don't know how many times in the last year I've gone back to that blog and said "I'll be around more often now!" With that ending up obviously not being the case. It has to do with a number of things. There's the fact that it's an 8 year old blog, with 8 years of followers and what I see as expectations even though I know those are self imposed expectations. I feel committed to talking about books mostly on that blog, commenting, keeping up with the latest, posting regularly, not being too personal...and that's not what I need right now. When the time's right, I'll go back to it. But for now, I really need an outlet to just write. About whatever I want to. Just to get me back into writing and visiting friends blogs again. This will be a place that I can work out thoughts on what's going on in my life, vent when I need to, record life events, talk about books and food and art and whatever else is going on. But most importantly, it'll be a place for ME. Which is what I need and what I've been missing. Like I said, if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, I'd love to have you :) But warning ahead of time, I may bore you to tears with this blog :p Unlike Stuff as Dreams are Made on, I don't plan on writing for an audience with this blog.
So the impetus for really wanting to get back to blogging is my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer. I need a place to start writing about this and start getting it out and try as I may, I just suck royally at keeping a handwritten journal. I've finally accepted that after starting probably hundreds of handwritten journals over the years and never going back to them after a few pages :p He was diagnosed almost a month ago now and still hasn't had his biopsy yet :/ It was supposed to be today but he hadn't fasted from aspirin so they had to push it back to Thursday now. Part of me is glad that they finally know what is wrong with him and why he's lost so much weight recently and why his health just continues to decline and part of me, obviously, is scared shitless for him and for myself. I know it's not going to be good news when he has the biopsy. His doctor says he may have had this for up to 3 years, so it's likely to be late stage and/or to have spread. I just really really really hope that this is treatable.
It's the first time in my life that I've really seen my dad scared...it's allowed me to see him in a different light than I have before. You never ever want to see someone that you care about suffer in any way, but oddly enough, it's made me feel closer to him. I've never had the best relationship with my dad. We never had the typical father/son relationship. For the most part, he chose alcohol over his children and still does to an extent. I was never really the son he wanted...that sounds more harsh than it is....I don't at all mean to say that he didn't want me, but he got a gay son who wasn't into sports or girls and I think it showed when I was growing up that he was disappointed that I wasn't into those things. In the last year or so though, we've gotten a bit closer. I've never come out to my dad, but I think he has an idea that I'm gay, and in his own way, he's shown that he's ok with that. We've talked a lot more recently. He's come to me as a more vulnerable person than he ever has and tells me when he's scared or anxious or nervous and I've been there for him late into the night to talk through some of this stuff. Roles have switched and I've become a care taker of sorts and I've really made myself just look at my dad as a person, not so much as a father...and in doing that, I don't mind him at all as a human being. He wasn't capable of being the dad that I needed growing up and honestly, my mom did the job of two parents. I'm forever grateful to her for all that she sacrificed, all of the love that she poured out to me and my sister unconditionally, and all of the joy that she has brought to our lives. I have no clue where I'd be without her. I had to acknowledge that and accept that my dad...while we don't have the best father/son relationship, he's someone that I do care about a great deal and maybe he didn't do the best that he could, but he's struggled with addiction, a disease his whole life. And that disease is killing him now in more ways than one. I don't need to lecture him anymore at this point.
Right now I'm just taking things a day at a time...it's all I can do. But I need to start doing more for myself. I didn't read a single book in the month of August. Well that's not completely true, I listened to an audiobook. But aside from that, nada. I'm going to do RIP during September and October and I'm REALLY looking forward to that!!! I really have a craving to start gardening again, though it's late in the year to do that :/ BUT I do live in southern Louisiana where we can pretty much grow stuff until late December, so all is not lost! I have my new reading room in my apartment which is a fun project to get back to designing. I got my sisters sofa and ottoman and table and lamp. I just need to decorate now! I'd like to get back to baking and cooking as I haven't taken the time to do any of that in a long time. I can't WAIT for the weather to cool down so that I can start going on walks in the woods again!!! I always feel so much better when I'm out in nature. Up until now, I haven't even thought of any of this stuff as a possibility for the most part this year :( That's just what kind of year it's been. I feel like I've mostly just been keeping my head above water. It feels really good that these things are starting to come back!!
I think I'll leave it there for now and go play with my bookshelves for a little while and pick out my RIP books :) I'm sure the pile will be enormous :p Thankfully, I'm off of work tonight so I get to relax and indulge myself! I had my botox injections today for my migraines, so I took the day off because I normally get a pretty bad headache afterwards and end up laid up on pain pills all night. No headaches yet though! Lets hope it stays that way. Ok..off to pick out books!
BUT, a cool front came through last week reminding me that there's an end to this relentless heat and that Fall is right around the corner! And with that cool front came back my desire to blog again finally. Or at least to get back to writing. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to use this blog for now to do that for a number of reasons. First, let me say that this is not a private blog...it's set up as a blog that anyone can view and I don't mind anyone reading or commenting on what I post here! So if you've found your way here or if you've visited here before, hello :) At the same time, there's a reason I'm writing on this blog. I'm not ready to go back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on. I don't know how many times in the last year I've gone back to that blog and said "I'll be around more often now!" With that ending up obviously not being the case. It has to do with a number of things. There's the fact that it's an 8 year old blog, with 8 years of followers and what I see as expectations even though I know those are self imposed expectations. I feel committed to talking about books mostly on that blog, commenting, keeping up with the latest, posting regularly, not being too personal...and that's not what I need right now. When the time's right, I'll go back to it. But for now, I really need an outlet to just write. About whatever I want to. Just to get me back into writing and visiting friends blogs again. This will be a place that I can work out thoughts on what's going on in my life, vent when I need to, record life events, talk about books and food and art and whatever else is going on. But most importantly, it'll be a place for ME. Which is what I need and what I've been missing. Like I said, if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, I'd love to have you :) But warning ahead of time, I may bore you to tears with this blog :p Unlike Stuff as Dreams are Made on, I don't plan on writing for an audience with this blog.
So the impetus for really wanting to get back to blogging is my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer. I need a place to start writing about this and start getting it out and try as I may, I just suck royally at keeping a handwritten journal. I've finally accepted that after starting probably hundreds of handwritten journals over the years and never going back to them after a few pages :p He was diagnosed almost a month ago now and still hasn't had his biopsy yet :/ It was supposed to be today but he hadn't fasted from aspirin so they had to push it back to Thursday now. Part of me is glad that they finally know what is wrong with him and why he's lost so much weight recently and why his health just continues to decline and part of me, obviously, is scared shitless for him and for myself. I know it's not going to be good news when he has the biopsy. His doctor says he may have had this for up to 3 years, so it's likely to be late stage and/or to have spread. I just really really really hope that this is treatable.
It's the first time in my life that I've really seen my dad scared...it's allowed me to see him in a different light than I have before. You never ever want to see someone that you care about suffer in any way, but oddly enough, it's made me feel closer to him. I've never had the best relationship with my dad. We never had the typical father/son relationship. For the most part, he chose alcohol over his children and still does to an extent. I was never really the son he wanted...that sounds more harsh than it is....I don't at all mean to say that he didn't want me, but he got a gay son who wasn't into sports or girls and I think it showed when I was growing up that he was disappointed that I wasn't into those things. In the last year or so though, we've gotten a bit closer. I've never come out to my dad, but I think he has an idea that I'm gay, and in his own way, he's shown that he's ok with that. We've talked a lot more recently. He's come to me as a more vulnerable person than he ever has and tells me when he's scared or anxious or nervous and I've been there for him late into the night to talk through some of this stuff. Roles have switched and I've become a care taker of sorts and I've really made myself just look at my dad as a person, not so much as a father...and in doing that, I don't mind him at all as a human being. He wasn't capable of being the dad that I needed growing up and honestly, my mom did the job of two parents. I'm forever grateful to her for all that she sacrificed, all of the love that she poured out to me and my sister unconditionally, and all of the joy that she has brought to our lives. I have no clue where I'd be without her. I had to acknowledge that and accept that my dad...while we don't have the best father/son relationship, he's someone that I do care about a great deal and maybe he didn't do the best that he could, but he's struggled with addiction, a disease his whole life. And that disease is killing him now in more ways than one. I don't need to lecture him anymore at this point.
Right now I'm just taking things a day at a time...it's all I can do. But I need to start doing more for myself. I didn't read a single book in the month of August. Well that's not completely true, I listened to an audiobook. But aside from that, nada. I'm going to do RIP during September and October and I'm REALLY looking forward to that!!! I really have a craving to start gardening again, though it's late in the year to do that :/ BUT I do live in southern Louisiana where we can pretty much grow stuff until late December, so all is not lost! I have my new reading room in my apartment which is a fun project to get back to designing. I got my sisters sofa and ottoman and table and lamp. I just need to decorate now! I'd like to get back to baking and cooking as I haven't taken the time to do any of that in a long time. I can't WAIT for the weather to cool down so that I can start going on walks in the woods again!!! I always feel so much better when I'm out in nature. Up until now, I haven't even thought of any of this stuff as a possibility for the most part this year :( That's just what kind of year it's been. I feel like I've mostly just been keeping my head above water. It feels really good that these things are starting to come back!!
I think I'll leave it there for now and go play with my bookshelves for a little while and pick out my RIP books :) I'm sure the pile will be enormous :p Thankfully, I'm off of work tonight so I get to relax and indulge myself! I had my botox injections today for my migraines, so I took the day off because I normally get a pretty bad headache afterwards and end up laid up on pain pills all night. No headaches yet though! Lets hope it stays that way. Ok..off to pick out books!
Monday, February 17, 2014
Rejoining Civilization....
This is likely to be long and rambly for anyone reading. This blog was originally meant to be a place to record my "million and one things" project and it will continue to be that. But I'm going to go ahead and make it more than that too. I have lots of catch up posts to write on the project itself, but I miss blogging terribly...I miss writing and talking to my friends and the other blog just isn't feeling like the place to do that right now. Maybe no one will ever read these posts and that's fine too. They're likely to bore the hell out of anyone who would read them anyway as I'm guessing these posts will be pretty self reflective.
I've always been really awful at keeping a written journal. I never could do it. I think the longest I've ever managed to actually keep one might be three weeks or so. I can't tell you how many journals and notebooks I have that are written in the first ten or so pages only to be abandoned forever after that. But I'm a writer and I always have been. I discovered blogging in 1999 and in one place or another I've been blogging ever since then and I feel so out of sorts if I'm not.
I've been wanting to write lately, but I know that Stuff as Dreams are Made on has a decent readership and I don't want to just write "woe is me, today I'm depressed, today I'm better" everyday on that blog. I think people will quickly tire of that. But the truth is, I've been depressed for awhile now and I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. I've been reading but I just haven't had the desire to review any of the books that I've read. I've fallen so out of touch with people that I cherish and love because I can't muster up the energy to send an email or make a phone call or even comment on blogs. It all becomes overwhelming...overwhelming to the point where it's easier to just shut down. And that's what I've been doing.
I miss everyone so much though. I feel horrible that I've lost touch with everyone. I miss the old me. But I'm going to get the old me back, it'll just take time. I'm painting a much more dreary picture than things really are. I'm not rotting away, it's just a worst bout of depression than I think I've had. Depression is a funny thing. You can have the desire to change, to beat it, to overcome it but sometimes it's like there's just a giant cement barrier between what actually is and what you know should be. Here's a step though...blogging again. And it's in a place that I feel a little more comfortable to just be me. It's not a private blog. Anyone can read it, but it's not one I advertise. Eventually I'll get back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on but right now I just need to get back to writing again. So that's what I'm doing.
I also need to get some of this damn weight that I've gained off...yet another lovely side effect of depression :/ I decided to start doing something though that I often tell my clients to do. I figured I'd take my own advice. Record a list of happy things. Big or small. And since I'm no good at writing things down on paper, I'm just keeping a list on my notepad on my phone. So here are the happy things for today. Actually these started at about 1AM this morning before I went to bed last night :p
-Sitting on my patio late at night and listening to bats flying around while everything else is quiet.
-The new season of House of Cards
-Discovering Locke & Key which is SO DAMN GOOD!
-Getting my taxes done and getting a much better refund than I was expecting which will get some debt paid off!
-Stepping on the scale and LOSING a pound for a change instead of gaining a pound! The right direction!
-Getting the spare bedroom cleaned out finally.
-Blogging again
-The olympics despite my issues with the host country's politics and views. I love the spirit of the Olympians themselves. They've made me smile so much.
Today was a day that I got a LOT accomplished and it feels really good! Now I shall be lazy for the rest of the night and read some more graphic novels, watch some more olympics, and watch some more House of Cards. And I'm DETERMINED to make it a good week!!
I've always been really awful at keeping a written journal. I never could do it. I think the longest I've ever managed to actually keep one might be three weeks or so. I can't tell you how many journals and notebooks I have that are written in the first ten or so pages only to be abandoned forever after that. But I'm a writer and I always have been. I discovered blogging in 1999 and in one place or another I've been blogging ever since then and I feel so out of sorts if I'm not.
I've been wanting to write lately, but I know that Stuff as Dreams are Made on has a decent readership and I don't want to just write "woe is me, today I'm depressed, today I'm better" everyday on that blog. I think people will quickly tire of that. But the truth is, I've been depressed for awhile now and I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. I've been reading but I just haven't had the desire to review any of the books that I've read. I've fallen so out of touch with people that I cherish and love because I can't muster up the energy to send an email or make a phone call or even comment on blogs. It all becomes overwhelming...overwhelming to the point where it's easier to just shut down. And that's what I've been doing.
I miss everyone so much though. I feel horrible that I've lost touch with everyone. I miss the old me. But I'm going to get the old me back, it'll just take time. I'm painting a much more dreary picture than things really are. I'm not rotting away, it's just a worst bout of depression than I think I've had. Depression is a funny thing. You can have the desire to change, to beat it, to overcome it but sometimes it's like there's just a giant cement barrier between what actually is and what you know should be. Here's a step though...blogging again. And it's in a place that I feel a little more comfortable to just be me. It's not a private blog. Anyone can read it, but it's not one I advertise. Eventually I'll get back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on but right now I just need to get back to writing again. So that's what I'm doing.
I also need to get some of this damn weight that I've gained off...yet another lovely side effect of depression :/ I decided to start doing something though that I often tell my clients to do. I figured I'd take my own advice. Record a list of happy things. Big or small. And since I'm no good at writing things down on paper, I'm just keeping a list on my notepad on my phone. So here are the happy things for today. Actually these started at about 1AM this morning before I went to bed last night :p
-Sitting on my patio late at night and listening to bats flying around while everything else is quiet.
-The new season of House of Cards
-Discovering Locke & Key which is SO DAMN GOOD!
-Getting my taxes done and getting a much better refund than I was expecting which will get some debt paid off!
-Stepping on the scale and LOSING a pound for a change instead of gaining a pound! The right direction!
-Getting the spare bedroom cleaned out finally.
-Blogging again
-The olympics despite my issues with the host country's politics and views. I love the spirit of the Olympians themselves. They've made me smile so much.
Today was a day that I got a LOT accomplished and it feels really good! Now I shall be lazy for the rest of the night and read some more graphic novels, watch some more olympics, and watch some more House of Cards. And I'm DETERMINED to make it a good week!!
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