Money Can Buy A Little Bit Of Happiness!

One of the things that I've worked really hard on this year is saving money and paying off debt. Well, I should say, not spending money as frivolously and paying off debt. And I'm proud of myself for how well I've done!! I've made HUGE changes in the amount of random stuff I buy and I don't buy books anymore unless they're books that I'm really excited about and know that I plan on reading. In fact, what I've been doing is preordering books that I'm excited about and mostly limiting myself to just those books. I've been doing the same with music. Which is a lot harder because I'm a music addict just as much so as with books. Only I'm always looking for new music. So that can get to be quite expensive. I used to buy every album that I thought I would enjoy on vinyl. But this year, I've seriously cut back on that and I've only been buying albums by bands that I truly love on vinyl...things that I "need" to have in my collection. Less is more is sort of the theme of the year when it comes to "stuff".

If you were to look at my mailbox today, you'd think I was a total failure at this money saving and paying off debt thing :p I swear today was the best day I can think of in any recent time when it came to book releases!! 5 books that I had preordered all arrived today and they're some of my most anticipated books of the year. One of my most anticipated albums of the year arrived too along with awesome bonus swag. AND to top it off, I got a really awesome card in the mail too :) All of this couldn't have come at a better time :) So I thought I'd share and talk about all of these goodies. First up, BOOKS! Remember when I used to talk about those?

How often do that many awesome books come out all in one day??? So excited about all of these! My readathon pile is suddenly becoming a little bit clearer ;)

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Illustrated Edition) by J.K. Rowling - I knew this book was going to be gorgeous, but I had no idea it would be this beautiful! They put so much love into the creation of this book. I've been wanting to reread this series for ages. Harry Potter will forever be one of my favorite series and I have such wonderful memories associated with each one of these books. I'm really hoping that they plan on releasing all of the books in this format. It would be fantastic to experience them all like this! It's going to be nice to revisit this and all the memories that I'm sure will come along with it :)
• The Nest by Kenneth Oppel, Illustrated by Jon Klassen - I completely forgot that I had preordered this book and didn't even remember what it was about :p I still don't remember why exactly I preordered it or where I heard about it? But just looking at the book itself, I can instantly see that it's something that I'll fall in love with. Aesthetically, it's gorgeous and haunting looking and it's described as "a haunting, gothic tale for fans of Coraline." SOLD!
• Ghostly: A Collection of Ghost Stories collected and introduced by Audrey Niffenegger - The reason why I bought this is evident in the title :p It's a collection of ghost stories that's been curated by Audrey Niffenegger. This has the potential to be one of my favorite short story collections ever! In addition to that, she's illustrated each story herself and it includes a brand new story by her, Neil Gaiman and Kelly Link among others. Yes please!
• M Train by Patti Smith - I love Patti Smith's writing so much. In a way, her writing has always reminded me a bit of Francesca Lia Block. And she's just a really awesome person. This book is sort of a road map of her life told through her visits to various cafes around the world. Sounds like a cozy and intimate book that might be a perfect readathon read :)
• The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness - NEW PATRICK NESS!!!!! I've been waiting for this book for so long!!!! It took everything I had to be patient and not pay more money than I had to to get this book when it was released a month ago overseas. But I knew my reading has been nonexistent lately and that it was a smart idea just to wait, so the day has finally arrived and it's in my hands now :) If I haven't gobbled it up by then, this will be in my readathon pile as well!

This has been such a great year for music too! Frankly, I'm shocked that I've been as restrained as I have been when it comes to buying music on vinyl. But I've been disciplined :) There are a few bands though that I'll make exceptions for and one of them is Chvrches. I've been waiting for their sophomore album since the day they released their debut :p The second I heard Chvrches for the first time a couple of years ago, it was instant love. It's so rare that a band maintains that same caliber with a second album, but they've done it with this one, Every Open Eye. They offered this really great package too at a really great price! So now I have the new album on white vinyl WITH a really cool t-shirt AND a postcard signed by all three members of the band :D Now I just need them to come down here on their tour. 

And finally I got my card of the month from Holstee. I love those guys so much. I get a new letterpress card every month from them and each month it's centered around a theme. This month's theme was particularly poignant. It's vulnerability. They also included this little sticker with the card this month that I love so so much!!! Now I just need to get my writing mojo back and start sending out some of these cards. Included with your card each month, they send you a little description on why they chose that theme and a brief meditation on it....I really loved this month's...here's what they had to say:

Yep....pretty perfect for right now. So, thank ye gods for a wonderful mail day when it was much needed :) I'm good for awhile now! Now I'm off to go enjoy some of these goodies.

On Discovering New Intersections In Life

I'm finding myself at this weird intersection in life that I've never come across before. It's a mixture of emotions that is so hard to describe because I don't know that there is a way to describe it. For the last few months, I've basically dropped off of the face of the earth. That's mainly because I've been in this bizarre period of life where so much is up in the air. My normal reaction to stress and depression is to cower from it....run from it...seclude myself. The thing is, when I go through depressive episodes, they normally only last a couple of months, max, and even during them, they're manageable with the self care techniques I've adapted over the years. And with stress, I've adapted to being able to thrive off of it for the most part. But this year has been different. Even before my dad's cancer diagnosis.

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.

The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.

My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.

I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.

This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.

I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."

More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.

So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.

I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.

I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.

I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!

Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)

Life in Bullet Points

• COLD FRONT!!!!!!! Right now it is 68 degrees with 65% humidity :D And tomorrow the high is 82!! With the lows in the low 50s with sunny skies, breezy and low humidity! AND it's the first Saints game of the season that isn't preseason. FALL YOU GUYS!!!!! Can you tell I get a little bit giddy when I get the first taste of fall? It's amazing what a little bit of relief from the heat can do for me...that's all I ask...for it not to feel like the devil's asshole all of the time. I was slammed at work today and I kept a smile on my face all day, partly because of the weather. The best part of it all? The 10 day forecast currently doesn't have ANY 90 degree temps anywhere in site. Which gives me hope that the worst of it is officially over! Made it through another summer :p 
• Megan sent me this picture today and I laughed my ass off. I also wish that I could be that skinny again :p Ah, the goth days, how I miss thee. Yes, that's a fishnet shirt with a black velour shirt over it and yes I have eyeliner on.
  
• I discovered this live version of Joanna Newsom performing Peach, Plum, Pear from 2006 this week and I've probably watched/listened to it 20 times. It's one of the best live performances I think I've ever seen! I swear I love her so much. That harp solo at the end is just so amazing and so beautiful. And to think that I once said that I couldn't stand her :/ I cannot WAIT for her new album in October!! And I'm so hoping that she comes back here again...seeing her during her last tour was one of the best shows I've ever been to. So jealous of Ana who's getting to see her during the first leg of the tour :p 
• Dad's biopsy is Tuesday. So many mixed up emotions with that. Part of me is so anxious for it to be over with and wishes that it would've been done a month ago and I hate that treatment has been put off this long and that we still don't know what we're dealing with. The other part of me is terrified of what they will find and what the result will be and the reality that I'll have to face once the biopsy is done. I just have to not get ahead of myself right now.
 
• Oddly enough, I find myself somewhat enjoying work lately....a statement I NEVER thought I would hear come out of my mouth. At least not while I'm at my current place of work. Nothing has changed there except for me. And I feel like I could write a book, really, on what has changed. The essential change that it boils down to though is that I've allowed myself to connect again with the patients I work with and I've made an effort to disconnect with the drama of the workplace. Or maybe it's that I stopped making the effort to connect with the drama. I don't know which it is really. Since my dad's diagnosis I've had a realization that life is too short to focus on bullshit. I think the medication change that my psychiatrist did has helped a lot too. But it's been nice to find passion in my work again. I don't want to pretend that I don't have my frustrating times still. And I still want to get out of there and eventually get to just private practice...that's my true passion. But at least things have been more tolerable. 
• Having said that, I need to get back to doing more things for myself. I was thinking about that last night. I rarely get to read anymore. I don't do simple, little things like play games on my iPhone that I used to enjoy. I haven't gotten to garden much recently. I haven't been walking in a long time. I haven't taken a good, long, hot bath with a book in over a month. I haven't had a massage in a long time. I could go on. Lately, I work, I come home, and I lay on my sofa and catch up on my DVR. Which is fine...I enjoy all of the shows I've been watching. But I miss all of those other things. TV is not a life. I need to get back to life again.
• I have been listening to an audiobook that I'm SO in love with! The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat by Oliver Sacks. I wanted to finally read something of his when I heard he passed away, which was so sad :( I had read a few of his essays over the years, but I still haven't read any of his books despite owning most of them. He's one of those authors that I just knew I'd love even though I'd never read him, so I've collected most of his books :p Sure enough, I'm loving this book. I've always been fascinated by the brain. My favorite classes in college were my neuropsych classes. One of my best friends at work is a doctor who is a psychiatrist who specializes in neuropsychiatry. I LOVE hearing her talk about some of her patients and the way the brain works. Anyway, this book has been truly fascinating so far and I can't wait to keep reading more of his work.
• Time to make a to do list for the week and hope I'm more successful than I was this week!

Thinkin' Thinkin' Thoughts

What a week it has a been. What a year it has been really. I'm glad I started this blog again....I've found myself lately with so many thoughts running through my mind and it's nice to have a place to put them down again. In fact, when I finish this post, I think I'll write another post to make a weekly to do list. I tell my clients all the time in private practice to write write write...whether it's in a journal, on the computer or even in their phone, just write. The reason I like writing as a therapeutic tool so much is that it gets everything out of your head. Your mentally giving yourself permission to not have to think about something constantly anymore. Especially when it comes to "to do lists". I know I can stress for days and weeks over a laundry list of things that I have to get done. The great thing about making to do lists is that once you put it on paper, you can stop constantly reminding yourself in your head of everything that you have to get done because you have a place to go back and see it. Writing also lets you sort out things in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. There's connections made in that process from the brain to the hand to the paper. I often tell my clients that they can have their own sort of therapy session in doing that in between meetings with me. I just need to remember to take my own advice. Write.

So my dad went in to have his biopsy yesterday but couldn't have it done. He fell last weekend and is pretty much black and blue from head to toe on his left side. For the biopsy, he needed to be awake and fully conscious for the beginning of it. He got there at 9AM and they didn't take him until 2 to start the procedure. They gave him nothing for pain or anxiety and told him to lay on his stomach on a metal table. He couldn't do it because of the pain he was in, but ended up trying to anyway. His ribcage is held together with wires and screws from when he had open heart surgery and the cancer has caused him to lose pretty much all of his muscle and fat so when he laid on his stomach he said he felt all of the metal in his chest pressing against his insides. They need him to be awake up to a certain point because apparently they need him to breathe in and out and hold his breath and move his arm while they're cutting into him? Sounds like torture :/ Once they get to a certain point of the procedure they can do twilight anesthesia. After trying this though, they determined they're just going to have to reschedule and put him under general anesthesia. So now his biopsy has been rescheduled for September 15th.

While he was at the hospital yesterday having all of this done, I was having one of the worst days at work that I've ever had. I don't even feel like recounting it right now, so I won't. But at one point in the night, I literally walked out...which I've never done. I went and sat in my car for 15 minutes with the A/C on full blast because they won't fix the A/C in our office and then came back in finally and went back to work. I needed a forced break. And I snapped at a coworker which I don't ever do either. But I ended up personally doing 8 admissions by myself in an 8 hour shift and when I left at 11, there were still three patients waiting in the lobby, the first who had been waiting for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I literally did not have a single minute to call my dad and see how he did. My dad has fucking lung cancer and was getting a biopsy done and because of my job, I couldn't call him and see how he made out. On most nights, I can take a break at some point. But last night there literally wasn't a second for me to take a break. I had 2 or 3 patients I was working with at any given time. And I would say it's just the nature of the job, but it's not. This was all created by other people not doing their jobs and dumping on my shift and creating emergencies where there shouldn't have been any.

I've been doing a lot better lately at not letting my job get to me. I think the new meds have helped with that a lot. But there are some days where you just can't keep your head in the sand. So when my dad has his biopsy again, fuck work. I'm not going in. I shouldn't have gone in yesterday, but I know we're short staffed. But I'm sick of sacrificing my happiness or at least my mental health for that place when it does absolutely nothing for me. Or I should say, when it actually makes my own mental health WORSE. I'll be letting my boss know on Tuesday that she needs to have my shift covered for my dad's biopsy.

There ARE good things that have surprisingly come from my dad's cancer diagnosis. Mainly, the goodness of people. I still don't even know exactly what stage of cancer my dad has, if it's spread, if it's treatable, etc and already, I've been overwhelmed with the kindness of people. It's something that I didn't expect at all and it's really had a big effect on me. It's amazing how something so ugly and upsetting like cancer can shift your outlook on life and it's sad at the same time. It's sort of like two years ago when I had the incident at the hospital when the patient pulled out a gun and pointed at himself and me. In it's own fucked up way, that ended up being a really positive experience for me...it was a very self reflective time in my life. This is becoming the same.

I'm learning that life is fragile. Something that I was aware of before, but is taking on a new truth and a new meaning. It's truly fragile and can be snatched away so quickly. So many things that we think are important may be important, but aren't the REAL important things. It's not a good idea to start throwing those other things aside, but I think it's time to start focusing on the bigger picture more. The proverbial "one day" has a finite expiration date. I may not know what mine is, but I'm becoming more aware that it's going to come one day. I get this one life...things that can destroy that life don't need to be in it. Things that can fill that life with joy and happiness and new and interesting experiences...those things need to be in it. Things that make my heart smile need to play a central role in my life. It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of shit...where you're stuck in a negative situation which leads to negative self talk or negative talk to the others around you which leads to negative behaviors which leads to negative effects on your body which leads to your life being cut shorter because of the deleterious effects on your body. I feel like THAT is the direction that society is heading towards and it's sad. But to the extent that I can, I need to control what I can. Replace all of those negatives with positives.

Ok...I'm rambled out for now though I feel like I could write for another hour :p But I'll stop for tonight. And go make a to do list for the week. Which I think I'm going to start doing as a weekly thing to help out.