Ring, Ring

I thought it was about time to ring in the new year somewhere online as I do intend to keep blogging this year! It's just going to change quite a bit. I'm not doing resolutions this year. I'm not even setting goals for myself for the year. I've come to learn over the years that making resolutions and setting goals is really not a good thing for me. I tend to set them impossibly high and inevitably fail because they're unattainable. THIS YEAR I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! How unrealistic and how broad is that? Many of our resolutions and goals are almost set up to be viewed as failure when in actuality, they're often not. We do plenty of things to take care of ourselves, the best we know how throughout the year. But when we set this concrete picture in our mind of a perfect existence of what "taking care of myself" looks like, it'll never be achievable. There are too many factors beyond our control to ever have that perfect picture. So this year, I'm going to do the best that I can, a day at a time. That's not a goal, that's not a resolution, that's just what I'm going to do. And sometimes the best that I can probably WON'T be too great :p But it's nice to at least acknowledge that it's the best I can for today and take the weight of impossible goals off of my shoulders.

This past year sort of showed me that there needed to be a big change like that. This was the first year that I didn't do an end of the year reading recap and honestly, I'm ok with that. When I finish this post, I think I'm going to post on Stuff as Dreams and put it on hiatus officially for now so people don't wonder where the hell I've gone to. It won't be a permanent goodbye from there. I like to leave the possibility open of going back there. But for now, the commitment that I feel when I'm blogging there is just overwhelming. I need a more private place that feels more like a journal than a book blog and this has become that. Though this will also be a place to talk about books too I'm sure, though probably much differently than I talked about them on Stuff as Dreams. I DO think I still want to keep track of what I read though, so maybe I'll start a new page for that here.

My holidays were really nice and just exactly what I needed them to be this year :) The only shitty part was a migraine that started on Christmas Eve and didn't let up for 4 days :/ I haven't had a migraine like that in years. I had to get my neurologist to call in a steroid pack to finally break it up. We did Christmas eve at my dad's house like we always do and it was nice to have tradition during this time of what's been chaos! Everyone had a really good time I think and it was really nice to have the time together. With everyone getting older now and with my dad's cancer, it's more and more rare that all of us are in the same room together, so that night was extra special.

Christmas morning was spent with tradition too with me and my sister sleeping at my mom's house and opening gifts first thing in the morning!! The only difference was my sister's boyfriend was with us too which was nice. I've really come to appreciate family even more this year. Tradition especially has meant the world to me when everything else has been so full of change and so unknown. If you haven't figured it out already, I do NOT do well with change and I don't like to have things left unknown. There's this part of my brain that wants to know everything about anything that's going on and I hate uncertainty. With my dad's cancer, I've learned more medically than I have in my entire education leading up to me working in intake at a hospital. It's probably NOT the healthiest coping mechanism, but, it at least leaves me prepared and educated. So spending the holidays without any surprises and falling into the comfort of family was so wonderful.

New years eve, I spent most of the afternoon and night with my mom and then went by my dad's to ring in the new year with him at midnight. It was a rough night with him honestly. He had a bad night. More mentally than anything...I think the coming year makes him nervous, but we had a really good talk that night and I think he took what he needed from it and things seem to be better for him since. He found out two days before that his tumor had grown. It has only grown 7mm, but the fact that it grew at all is discouraging. So treatment is about to get stepped up even more with radiation 5 days a week getting added to his chemo. He's going to have a lot of fighting to do :/ It will be an interesting year!

I'm going to try to lay out my plans for reading for the month this year at the beginning of the month! Not so much as a goal, but just as sort of a present to myself. It's almost like I get to go pick a few treats off of the shelves and lay them out for the month. Of course I can switch them out if I want to, but it gives me something to look forward to :) So that's what I did today....I picked out a few books for the month of January, a nice mix of fiction and nonfiction, adult fiction, YA, poetry, essays, things I've been wanting to read for a while and things I've just discovered :)

I'll leave you with this beautiful poem that I discovered last night that Adrienne Rich opens her collection, The Dream of a Common Language with...it's called "Power". And it's exactly what I needed to read right now.

Navigating the Ups and Downs

Well it's been quite the week. But I'm enjoying some much needed time off right now which came at just the right time. I'm learning something really interesting about life right now....that you can find balance in anything if you allow yourself to be open to it. Maybe I shouldn't say that as a blanket statement. I know that comes easier to some than others and lord knows it has never come easy to me. I'm not saying by any means that it's an easy thing to do. In fact, it's taken me getting to a place where I literally had no other option except to accept that I need to find some balance to find just that. I just wish there was an easier way to find that. I wish we could find that without waiting until a crisis comes upon us. I wish it was easy not to slip back into our old ways once a crisis passes. 

With my friend's suicide last week, I was left with tons of questions and things that will never be known. Now I'm left with only memories and pictures and having to know that I'll never see that smiling face again, hear that voice that literally made you smile from ear to ear the second you heard her, and knowing how many other people are left feeling the same way. The outpour of love and grief over her death has been overwhelming. It's amazing to see just how many people she touched with her life and how many people describe her the same way. People I never even knew. One beautiful thing to come from this is that people are talking about depression. And people are reconnecting. 

We're having a memorial for her next Saturday. Needless to say, I'm not going to be able to participate in the readathon. But I'll be spending the day remembering my friend and through this I've reconnected with SO many people that I had lost touch with and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again so much!!! I have a feeling it'll be a really beautiful day that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life.

My dad's health issues continue to get worse and a big part of that is him not taking care of himself. It's a really frustrating place to be. I get that he's scared. That he doesn't want to face what he's facing. That it's so much easier to ignore it. But ignoring it right now is the last thing he needs to do. It's such a frustrating feeling to break through that wall. He's ignoring these issues (or maybe avoiding is a better word) BECAUSE he's scared of how serious it could be, so he's not giving up...it's not like that's the issue, but at the same time, the more you ignore it the worse it gets. Of course this is logical to me, but I can't get any of it through to him. And I do get that I'm not in his shoes and I can't know what he's going through. But I don't know how to be there for him right now. All I can do is take him to his appointments or the hospital when he agrees to go. I spent the entire day Sunday (literally the whole day) trying to persuade him to get help or at least call his doctors and he absolutely refuses. I wasn't accusatory or defensive or yelling until a certain point when I just got frustrated. I've tried calling an ambulance once before and he refused to get in and the EMTs wouldn't take him because he refused care. So I'm left with no option but to just watch him deteriorate? And hope he'll come to his senses I guess. These past few months have just been a series of sometimes two steps forward, one step back...sometimes one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I see so much improvement in him and in us, and sometimes it's like he just gives up on it all again.

But once again, I'm finding I need balance in that again as well. As heartless as I feel in saying this, I need to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and that he's responsible for the decisions he makes. And that I need to take care of myself too right now. So that's what I've been doing these last couple of days. Relaxing, reading again, watching tv, played in the garden, went to the lakefront, spent most of yesterday talking to friends on the phone. Tomorrow will be for my dad. I'm taking him to his appointments tomorrow and I'm not planning for them to be too great, but we'll see what it brings.

Balance....I need to remember that word. I've wanted a tattoo for years, but I've always said I won't get one until I know it's something I'll never regret having on my body for the rest of my life. Maybe it should just be that word :p Or maybe a better idea is to just say it out loud every morning ;) 

Money Can Buy A Little Bit Of Happiness!

One of the things that I've worked really hard on this year is saving money and paying off debt. Well, I should say, not spending money as frivolously and paying off debt. And I'm proud of myself for how well I've done!! I've made HUGE changes in the amount of random stuff I buy and I don't buy books anymore unless they're books that I'm really excited about and know that I plan on reading. In fact, what I've been doing is preordering books that I'm excited about and mostly limiting myself to just those books. I've been doing the same with music. Which is a lot harder because I'm a music addict just as much so as with books. Only I'm always looking for new music. So that can get to be quite expensive. I used to buy every album that I thought I would enjoy on vinyl. But this year, I've seriously cut back on that and I've only been buying albums by bands that I truly love on vinyl...things that I "need" to have in my collection. Less is more is sort of the theme of the year when it comes to "stuff".

If you were to look at my mailbox today, you'd think I was a total failure at this money saving and paying off debt thing :p I swear today was the best day I can think of in any recent time when it came to book releases!! 5 books that I had preordered all arrived today and they're some of my most anticipated books of the year. One of my most anticipated albums of the year arrived too along with awesome bonus swag. AND to top it off, I got a really awesome card in the mail too :) All of this couldn't have come at a better time :) So I thought I'd share and talk about all of these goodies. First up, BOOKS! Remember when I used to talk about those?

How often do that many awesome books come out all in one day??? So excited about all of these! My readathon pile is suddenly becoming a little bit clearer ;)

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Illustrated Edition) by J.K. Rowling - I knew this book was going to be gorgeous, but I had no idea it would be this beautiful! They put so much love into the creation of this book. I've been wanting to reread this series for ages. Harry Potter will forever be one of my favorite series and I have such wonderful memories associated with each one of these books. I'm really hoping that they plan on releasing all of the books in this format. It would be fantastic to experience them all like this! It's going to be nice to revisit this and all the memories that I'm sure will come along with it :)
• The Nest by Kenneth Oppel, Illustrated by Jon Klassen - I completely forgot that I had preordered this book and didn't even remember what it was about :p I still don't remember why exactly I preordered it or where I heard about it? But just looking at the book itself, I can instantly see that it's something that I'll fall in love with. Aesthetically, it's gorgeous and haunting looking and it's described as "a haunting, gothic tale for fans of Coraline." SOLD!
• Ghostly: A Collection of Ghost Stories collected and introduced by Audrey Niffenegger - The reason why I bought this is evident in the title :p It's a collection of ghost stories that's been curated by Audrey Niffenegger. This has the potential to be one of my favorite short story collections ever! In addition to that, she's illustrated each story herself and it includes a brand new story by her, Neil Gaiman and Kelly Link among others. Yes please!
• M Train by Patti Smith - I love Patti Smith's writing so much. In a way, her writing has always reminded me a bit of Francesca Lia Block. And she's just a really awesome person. This book is sort of a road map of her life told through her visits to various cafes around the world. Sounds like a cozy and intimate book that might be a perfect readathon read :)
• The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness - NEW PATRICK NESS!!!!! I've been waiting for this book for so long!!!! It took everything I had to be patient and not pay more money than I had to to get this book when it was released a month ago overseas. But I knew my reading has been nonexistent lately and that it was a smart idea just to wait, so the day has finally arrived and it's in my hands now :) If I haven't gobbled it up by then, this will be in my readathon pile as well!

This has been such a great year for music too! Frankly, I'm shocked that I've been as restrained as I have been when it comes to buying music on vinyl. But I've been disciplined :) There are a few bands though that I'll make exceptions for and one of them is Chvrches. I've been waiting for their sophomore album since the day they released their debut :p The second I heard Chvrches for the first time a couple of years ago, it was instant love. It's so rare that a band maintains that same caliber with a second album, but they've done it with this one, Every Open Eye. They offered this really great package too at a really great price! So now I have the new album on white vinyl WITH a really cool t-shirt AND a postcard signed by all three members of the band :D Now I just need them to come down here on their tour. 

And finally I got my card of the month from Holstee. I love those guys so much. I get a new letterpress card every month from them and each month it's centered around a theme. This month's theme was particularly poignant. It's vulnerability. They also included this little sticker with the card this month that I love so so much!!! Now I just need to get my writing mojo back and start sending out some of these cards. Included with your card each month, they send you a little description on why they chose that theme and a brief meditation on it....I really loved this month's...here's what they had to say:

Yep....pretty perfect for right now. So, thank ye gods for a wonderful mail day when it was much needed :) I'm good for awhile now! Now I'm off to go enjoy some of these goodies.

On Discovering New Intersections In Life

I'm finding myself at this weird intersection in life that I've never come across before. It's a mixture of emotions that is so hard to describe because I don't know that there is a way to describe it. For the last few months, I've basically dropped off of the face of the earth. That's mainly because I've been in this bizarre period of life where so much is up in the air. My normal reaction to stress and depression is to cower from it....run from it...seclude myself. The thing is, when I go through depressive episodes, they normally only last a couple of months, max, and even during them, they're manageable with the self care techniques I've adapted over the years. And with stress, I've adapted to being able to thrive off of it for the most part. But this year has been different. Even before my dad's cancer diagnosis.

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.

The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.

My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.

I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.

This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.

I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."

More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.

So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.

I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.

I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.

I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!

Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)

Things That I'm Grateful For

I've been drafting this entry in my head all week...only it hasn't been called "Things That I'm Grateful For"...it's been called "Things I Hate" and it was going to start with cancer, cancer, cancer. Followed by a myriad of other things that have upset me this week.  Focusing on the things that upset me isn't going to work right now though. At least, to the extent that I can avoid it. There are some things that no matter how much I'd love to avoid them, they're right there in front of you 24/7 like a big fat fucking elephant.

Cancer has a tendency to be personified, and that's what I'm trying to drill into my head right now. This DISEASE does not have emotions or malicious intent. It's not sitting in a corner, rubbing it's hands together and laughing at the destruction it's causing. Though it feels that way. It's the genetic mutation of cells that are causing my dad's organ tissues to not function properly. But damn is it hard to watch. It's fucking ugly. My mom was diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer a couple of years ago, which is now considered precancerous. That nearly wrecked me. And she showed no signs or symptoms of cancer aside from having to have a lumpectomy to remove the cells and has been fine since. This is totally different and it breaks my heart so bad for anyone who has EVER had to watch someone suffer with cancer. It's something I think you can't understand until you really experience it. I've given my "I'm so so sorry's" to friends over the years when their relatives were diagnosed with cancer, but I never understood how awful this disease really was until you start to see what it does. My dad gets his biopsy results on Wednesday. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. I want to have hope. I do have hope. It's also scary to see how quickly he's being affected by this. Like, in a matter of a week. I know medicine cannot work miracles. Here's hoping for the best though.

In the midst of all this, my mom sent me an email on Friday. It was a forward..a lot of times I don't look at those, depending on what the subject line was, but this one was simply titled "Grateful". She subscribes to this email newsletter called The Daily Om, which is this sort of new age, semi-Eastern Thought newsletter. She occasionally forwards these to me and sometimes I read them. I decided to read this one. And they had one giant quote at the beginning of the email when I opened it: "There is always something to be grateful for even when life is hard and times are tough." I just happened to be on a break at work on a bad night when I read this and I told myself to sit back and think about those words for a second and continued reading. Here's what the rest said:

"When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another. 

When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness."

I can do without the words "blessings" and "the universe wants to shower us with.." but the essence of the article really resonated with me. My coworker, who's dad just passed away last weekend from cancer, had given me a piece of cake that he saved for me from his lunch right before I went on that break that I was taking. Reading this made me think of just that simple act. That someone thought about me earlier in the day and saved that for me. The funny thing is, I was given two more pieces of cake later in the shift by other people at the hospital :p All different cake too, lol. This made me start thinking about all of the people who had asked how my dad was doing and how I was doing. It's not that I don't appreciate that normally, but when you're under high volumes of stress, it's easy to overlook the fact that you're cared for. It's easy to not see the things that you can be grateful for in your life. Our brains become so easily trained to go straight to the negative and the overwhelming.

Perfect example...I was overwhelmed all week thinking that I have so many emails in my inbox that I have to respond to. Sitting back for a second, I can shift that thought to being grateful that I have such wonderful friends who I get to talk to. And I know that not a single one of those people in my inbox are going anywhere, nor are they going to judge me for not emailing them back immediately (they're used to that :p) This is me judging myself...choosing to focus on the negative. Making something that I'm so very very thankful for, more than I can ever put into words, into something that I stress over. 

I've been pissed off that I haven't been able to read lately. I was talking to Daphne and her partner, Keith about this yesterday. That's a HUGE thing that I was grateful for. I've known Daphne for probably about 5 or 6 years now maybe even longer? We've both disappeared from the blogging world lately, but she's always been one of my very favorite people. We're very like minded and I knew that from the second I found her blog. It's one of the things I really miss about "the old days" of book blogging. It used to be so much more personal. At least it felt that way. And I made so many awesome connections with people I never would've met were it not for blogging. I'm grateful that I've still kept most of those friendships :) But anyway, I got to meet Daphne yesterday!!!! Her and Keith came to New Orleans for a getaway and we went and had brunch together in the Marigny, my favorite part of town. I could have sat and talked with her for hours. It sounded like we've both been in book funks lately. I literally have not finished a printed book since July. We talked about go to authors or books for getting out of a funk and I now have some possibilities  but what's been keeping my reading mojo alive for now is audiobooks! I don't know what I'd do without them! So yes, I'm SO very thankful for audiobooks right now!!

Finally, education, science, research and support. I've been doing a lot of research on cancer in the last week which is a really bad idea at times and there are things I've seen which I wish I could unsee but for the most part, I am so very thankful for the amazing wealth of information that is out there. One website in particular, luncancer.org is a fantastic resource. It's just good to know that you're not alone in this, that others have been through it, have gotten through it regardless of the outcome, and that research keeps moving forward. I'm so grateful for researchers and scientists and drug developers out there who continue to advance us in fighting this and other issues. Sadly, drug developers get tied to big pharma way too often and that's really a shame. I was thinking about this with my migraine medication the other day. I'm so thankful that these medications were invented to treat my migraines...but it's disgusting that the pharmaceutical companies charge such ridiculous prices for these drugs and that they insurance companies are in bed with them dictating which companies drugs they'll allow you to have. It's even worse when it comes to a disease like cancer. Thank god my dad has insurance...medicare at least. Here's a drug that could potentially save your life, too bad you can't afford it. That's the reality for way too many people in this world. BUT going back to being grateful...I'm glad that we're slowly moving in the direction of having health coverage for more and more americans.

That grateful thing is difficult sometimes. But I'm going to keep trying. And I'm going to try to keep the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. I don't have room for that one right now.

Life in Bullet Points

• COLD FRONT!!!!!!! Right now it is 68 degrees with 65% humidity :D And tomorrow the high is 82!! With the lows in the low 50s with sunny skies, breezy and low humidity! AND it's the first Saints game of the season that isn't preseason. FALL YOU GUYS!!!!! Can you tell I get a little bit giddy when I get the first taste of fall? It's amazing what a little bit of relief from the heat can do for me...that's all I ask...for it not to feel like the devil's asshole all of the time. I was slammed at work today and I kept a smile on my face all day, partly because of the weather. The best part of it all? The 10 day forecast currently doesn't have ANY 90 degree temps anywhere in site. Which gives me hope that the worst of it is officially over! Made it through another summer :p 
• Megan sent me this picture today and I laughed my ass off. I also wish that I could be that skinny again :p Ah, the goth days, how I miss thee. Yes, that's a fishnet shirt with a black velour shirt over it and yes I have eyeliner on.
  
• I discovered this live version of Joanna Newsom performing Peach, Plum, Pear from 2006 this week and I've probably watched/listened to it 20 times. It's one of the best live performances I think I've ever seen! I swear I love her so much. That harp solo at the end is just so amazing and so beautiful. And to think that I once said that I couldn't stand her :/ I cannot WAIT for her new album in October!! And I'm so hoping that she comes back here again...seeing her during her last tour was one of the best shows I've ever been to. So jealous of Ana who's getting to see her during the first leg of the tour :p 
• Dad's biopsy is Tuesday. So many mixed up emotions with that. Part of me is so anxious for it to be over with and wishes that it would've been done a month ago and I hate that treatment has been put off this long and that we still don't know what we're dealing with. The other part of me is terrified of what they will find and what the result will be and the reality that I'll have to face once the biopsy is done. I just have to not get ahead of myself right now.
 
• Oddly enough, I find myself somewhat enjoying work lately....a statement I NEVER thought I would hear come out of my mouth. At least not while I'm at my current place of work. Nothing has changed there except for me. And I feel like I could write a book, really, on what has changed. The essential change that it boils down to though is that I've allowed myself to connect again with the patients I work with and I've made an effort to disconnect with the drama of the workplace. Or maybe it's that I stopped making the effort to connect with the drama. I don't know which it is really. Since my dad's diagnosis I've had a realization that life is too short to focus on bullshit. I think the medication change that my psychiatrist did has helped a lot too. But it's been nice to find passion in my work again. I don't want to pretend that I don't have my frustrating times still. And I still want to get out of there and eventually get to just private practice...that's my true passion. But at least things have been more tolerable. 
• Having said that, I need to get back to doing more things for myself. I was thinking about that last night. I rarely get to read anymore. I don't do simple, little things like play games on my iPhone that I used to enjoy. I haven't gotten to garden much recently. I haven't been walking in a long time. I haven't taken a good, long, hot bath with a book in over a month. I haven't had a massage in a long time. I could go on. Lately, I work, I come home, and I lay on my sofa and catch up on my DVR. Which is fine...I enjoy all of the shows I've been watching. But I miss all of those other things. TV is not a life. I need to get back to life again.
• I have been listening to an audiobook that I'm SO in love with! The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat by Oliver Sacks. I wanted to finally read something of his when I heard he passed away, which was so sad :( I had read a few of his essays over the years, but I still haven't read any of his books despite owning most of them. He's one of those authors that I just knew I'd love even though I'd never read him, so I've collected most of his books :p Sure enough, I'm loving this book. I've always been fascinated by the brain. My favorite classes in college were my neuropsych classes. One of my best friends at work is a doctor who is a psychiatrist who specializes in neuropsychiatry. I LOVE hearing her talk about some of her patients and the way the brain works. Anyway, this book has been truly fascinating so far and I can't wait to keep reading more of his work.
• Time to make a to do list for the week and hope I'm more successful than I was this week!

Thank Goodness For Sundays

I love Sundays. Which is funny because as a child, Sundays were days that I absolutely dreaded and I didn't think that would ever change. Sunday represented being forced to go to church which I always hated so much. To make matters worse, I was forced to be an altar boy as a child AND join choir. If that wasn't bad enough, the nun who was in charge of choir decided she really liked my voice and would make me sing solos. I've always been an extremely introverted person, so this was not a good thing. I did love that Irish nun though...Sister Ann. I'll never forget her and still think about her from time to time. I was sad when her convent reassigned her back to Ireland. She wrote to me from time to time but we lost touch in high school. In addition to church on Sundays, there was also the reminder that the next day was school. It wasn't even so much that I disliked school itself, but I was bullied a lot in elementary school for my weight and the fact that I was a "fag" even though I was nowhere near ready to come out. I was in denial myself those days.

I've often said that if I ever went back to school to get a PhD, I think I'd do my dissertation on sexuality in childhood. It's a touchy subject, but something that I think needs to be addressed more. I think things are much much better now than they were when I was a child, but there's still a great deal of work that needs to be done. I wonder what it would be like to be born now into a world where gay marriage is legal. That's pretty awesome. And it's amazing when we look at how far things have come from 34 years ago when I was brought into the world.

The bullying that happened to me when I was a kid definitely changed me as a person and that's why I'd like to do research on that. When I look at home videos of myself as a child, it's obvious that I'm gay. I don't mean to stereotype here, but it's obvious. I had limp wrist syndrome :p I walked with my hips moving from side to side, my voice had more of a lisp to it. Things that are unrecognizable to me now. I consciously changed those things and worked on them for years until they were gone because of the bullying. I changed the essence of who I was as a person because of the cruelty that others put on me. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't bullied. Would I be more extroverted? Would I not have such horrible social anxiety? Would I not be so conscious about my weight or the way I look? Would I have come out sooner and therefore been happier sooner? Would I find it easier to date? The answer to all of those questions is surely "yes". I hope so badly that the somewhat normalization of the lgbt experience in today's society leads to kids these days knowing that they're ok as they are and that they don't need to lose themselves at such a young age.

Wow...I did NOT plan on this post being about all that :p My original point is that Sundays are now my favorite day of that week :p It's the one day where I have no obligations for the most part aside from doing whatever *I* want to do. And it's the start of my weekend. So today has been a good day. Yesterday was awful. I didn't wake up until an hour before work and barely made it to work on time, so most of what I had planned to do yesterday went out the window. I did pay a few bills though, I worked, and I talked to Austin who said he couldn't come down to help move furniture out of my dad's house, so that left today free for me to get stuff done! I called CVS to see what meds they had for me to pick up and I told them they can keep one of them. I HATE my insurance company. My doctor had prescribed me a different triptan for my migraines called Treximet. If you have migraines, triptans are pretty much the only medication that will get rid of them. I take Maxalt most of the time and since a generic has come out, it only costs me $5 now for 9 pills. But I've been on it so long that it's becoming less and less effective. So she wanted to give me a second one. The Treximet would've cost me $119 for NINE PILLS!! Screw that. I know the medication is expensive, but seriously?

I did finally get a hair cut today and let me tell you I feel like a new person!!! I HATE when my hair gets to a certain point. It drives me nuts. I found a place here on the north shore called Sports Clips and it will definitely be my go to place for now on for hair cuts! They specialize in men's haircuts and the stylists stay up to date on the "latest cuts" for men. Their big thing is that they have tvs you can watch with sports games on while you're getting your hair cut. She did a great job and since it was my first time there, she gave me a free shampoo and shoulder massage which was awesome. They sit you in a massage chair while they're washing your hair and wrap your face in a hot towel and then use this massager to massage your back, neck and shoulders. Highly recommended!

Then I came home and got laundry done which was so badly needed. I had no clean towels and two loads of clothes that needed to be done. AND I finally changed my sheets too. It feels so good to go to bed in freshly washed sheets :) I didn't get to clean the patio today like I wanted to because it's rained all day :/ BUT I do love the rain, so I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon reading and listening to the thunder after I do a bit of blog reading :) Oh, also I found this Indian scarf/cloth/I'm not really sure what? that I got from I don't know where? and decided to use it as a table cloth for my table that I got from my sister and finally put out my placemats too! It's so nice to finally have a dining room table after being in my apartment for 3 years :p

Finally, I got to work on my reading room some more!!! It's still a work in progress, but I'm happy with how it's coming along and it's very cozy :) Here are some pics! This is what you see when you first walk in:

I have this really awesome book of James Jean prints called Kindling that I've been using to decorate that's an AMAZING deal. He's one of my favorite artists and if you're a fan of art, this is a must have book at an incredible price. It's a collection of 12 removable prints that are nice quality and nice size for about $20. Here's a closer look at the prints above the sofa:

On side of the sofa are the "floating bookshelves" currently holding a few RIP reads with one of my favorite prints, the Holstee Manifesto, above it:

Here's a close up of the Holstee print...I love everything that they do too. Here's a link to their website, but be forewarned, you may want everything they have :p

And finally, here's what it looks like across from the sofa...this area is a work in progress. There's a lot of crap over there still. This room was pretty much a storage room before it became the reading room, so I need to work on cleaning this up some more. The goal is for that wall to eventually be a full gallery wall:

Right now it's just two James Jean prints, a Neil Gaiman print illustrated by David Mack, and a collage that Megan did for me probably 10 years ago that I really love! Here's close ups of the art work so far:

And that's my Sunday in a nutshell so far! It's nice to be able to cross some stuff off of the list. Wish I could've crossed more off the list but oh well...it is what it is. Here's hoping for a good week with nothing but great news :)

Thinkin' Thinkin' Thoughts

What a week it has a been. What a year it has been really. I'm glad I started this blog again....I've found myself lately with so many thoughts running through my mind and it's nice to have a place to put them down again. In fact, when I finish this post, I think I'll write another post to make a weekly to do list. I tell my clients all the time in private practice to write write write...whether it's in a journal, on the computer or even in their phone, just write. The reason I like writing as a therapeutic tool so much is that it gets everything out of your head. Your mentally giving yourself permission to not have to think about something constantly anymore. Especially when it comes to "to do lists". I know I can stress for days and weeks over a laundry list of things that I have to get done. The great thing about making to do lists is that once you put it on paper, you can stop constantly reminding yourself in your head of everything that you have to get done because you have a place to go back and see it. Writing also lets you sort out things in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. There's connections made in that process from the brain to the hand to the paper. I often tell my clients that they can have their own sort of therapy session in doing that in between meetings with me. I just need to remember to take my own advice. Write.

So my dad went in to have his biopsy yesterday but couldn't have it done. He fell last weekend and is pretty much black and blue from head to toe on his left side. For the biopsy, he needed to be awake and fully conscious for the beginning of it. He got there at 9AM and they didn't take him until 2 to start the procedure. They gave him nothing for pain or anxiety and told him to lay on his stomach on a metal table. He couldn't do it because of the pain he was in, but ended up trying to anyway. His ribcage is held together with wires and screws from when he had open heart surgery and the cancer has caused him to lose pretty much all of his muscle and fat so when he laid on his stomach he said he felt all of the metal in his chest pressing against his insides. They need him to be awake up to a certain point because apparently they need him to breathe in and out and hold his breath and move his arm while they're cutting into him? Sounds like torture :/ Once they get to a certain point of the procedure they can do twilight anesthesia. After trying this though, they determined they're just going to have to reschedule and put him under general anesthesia. So now his biopsy has been rescheduled for September 15th.

While he was at the hospital yesterday having all of this done, I was having one of the worst days at work that I've ever had. I don't even feel like recounting it right now, so I won't. But at one point in the night, I literally walked out...which I've never done. I went and sat in my car for 15 minutes with the A/C on full blast because they won't fix the A/C in our office and then came back in finally and went back to work. I needed a forced break. And I snapped at a coworker which I don't ever do either. But I ended up personally doing 8 admissions by myself in an 8 hour shift and when I left at 11, there were still three patients waiting in the lobby, the first who had been waiting for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I literally did not have a single minute to call my dad and see how he did. My dad has fucking lung cancer and was getting a biopsy done and because of my job, I couldn't call him and see how he made out. On most nights, I can take a break at some point. But last night there literally wasn't a second for me to take a break. I had 2 or 3 patients I was working with at any given time. And I would say it's just the nature of the job, but it's not. This was all created by other people not doing their jobs and dumping on my shift and creating emergencies where there shouldn't have been any.

I've been doing a lot better lately at not letting my job get to me. I think the new meds have helped with that a lot. But there are some days where you just can't keep your head in the sand. So when my dad has his biopsy again, fuck work. I'm not going in. I shouldn't have gone in yesterday, but I know we're short staffed. But I'm sick of sacrificing my happiness or at least my mental health for that place when it does absolutely nothing for me. Or I should say, when it actually makes my own mental health WORSE. I'll be letting my boss know on Tuesday that she needs to have my shift covered for my dad's biopsy.

There ARE good things that have surprisingly come from my dad's cancer diagnosis. Mainly, the goodness of people. I still don't even know exactly what stage of cancer my dad has, if it's spread, if it's treatable, etc and already, I've been overwhelmed with the kindness of people. It's something that I didn't expect at all and it's really had a big effect on me. It's amazing how something so ugly and upsetting like cancer can shift your outlook on life and it's sad at the same time. It's sort of like two years ago when I had the incident at the hospital when the patient pulled out a gun and pointed at himself and me. In it's own fucked up way, that ended up being a really positive experience for me...it was a very self reflective time in my life. This is becoming the same.

I'm learning that life is fragile. Something that I was aware of before, but is taking on a new truth and a new meaning. It's truly fragile and can be snatched away so quickly. So many things that we think are important may be important, but aren't the REAL important things. It's not a good idea to start throwing those other things aside, but I think it's time to start focusing on the bigger picture more. The proverbial "one day" has a finite expiration date. I may not know what mine is, but I'm becoming more aware that it's going to come one day. I get this one life...things that can destroy that life don't need to be in it. Things that can fill that life with joy and happiness and new and interesting experiences...those things need to be in it. Things that make my heart smile need to play a central role in my life. It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of shit...where you're stuck in a negative situation which leads to negative self talk or negative talk to the others around you which leads to negative behaviors which leads to negative effects on your body which leads to your life being cut shorter because of the deleterious effects on your body. I feel like THAT is the direction that society is heading towards and it's sad. But to the extent that I can, I need to control what I can. Replace all of those negatives with positives.

Ok...I'm rambled out for now though I feel like I could write for another hour :p But I'll stop for tonight. And go make a to do list for the week. Which I think I'm going to start doing as a weekly thing to help out.

Jumping Back Into The Waters

Today is the start of a new month and it marks the end of the toughest months of the year for me. I HATE July and August. With a passion. Seriously. They literally just drain the life out of me every year. The reason being, the heat is just so unbearable and so stifling in New Orleans. We stay between 90-100 degrees throughout the months of July and August but the heat index and humidity makes it feel in excess of 110 and it's just exhausting. It feels like you can drink the air on some days. I have a hard time understanding people who love the summer and the heat. I'll take the cold any day over the heat! This year was just especially bad. It hasn't been a good year to begin with. I could write for days on why and in time I'm sure I'll get it all down here, but suffice it to say, I really would've liked to just fast forward through these last two months.

BUT, a cool front came through last week reminding me that there's an end to this relentless heat and that Fall is right around the corner! And with that cool front came back my desire to blog again finally. Or at least to get back to writing. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to use this blog for now to do that for a number of reasons. First, let me say that this is not a private blog...it's set up as a blog that anyone can view and I don't mind anyone reading or commenting on what I post here! So if you've found your way here or if you've visited here before, hello :) At the same time, there's a reason I'm writing on this blog. I'm not ready to go back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on. I don't know how many times in the last year I've gone back to that blog and said "I'll be around more often now!" With that ending up obviously not being the case. It has to do with a number of things. There's the fact that it's an 8 year old blog, with 8 years of followers and what I see as expectations even though I know those are self imposed expectations. I feel committed to talking about books mostly on that blog, commenting, keeping up with the latest, posting regularly, not being too personal...and that's not what I need right now. When the time's right, I'll go back to it. But for now, I really need an outlet to just write. About whatever I want to. Just to get me back into writing and visiting friends blogs again. This will be a place that I can work out thoughts on what's going on in my life, vent when I need to, record life events, talk about books and food and art and whatever else is going on. But most importantly, it'll be a place for ME. Which is what I need and what I've been missing. Like I said, if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, I'd love to have you :) But warning ahead of time, I may bore you to tears with this blog :p Unlike Stuff as Dreams are Made on, I don't plan on writing for an audience with this blog.

So the impetus for really wanting to get back to blogging is my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer. I need a place to start writing about this and start getting it out and try as I may, I just suck royally at keeping a handwritten journal. I've finally accepted that after starting probably hundreds of handwritten journals over the years and never going back to them after a few pages :p He was diagnosed almost a month ago now and still hasn't had his biopsy yet :/ It was supposed to be today but he hadn't fasted from aspirin so they had to push it back to Thursday now. Part of me is glad that they finally know what is wrong with him and why he's lost so much weight recently and why his health just continues to decline and part of me, obviously, is scared shitless for him and for myself. I know it's not going to be good news when he has the biopsy. His doctor says he may have had this for up to 3 years, so it's likely to be late stage and/or to have spread. I just really really really hope that this is treatable.

It's the first time in my life that I've really seen my dad scared...it's allowed me to see him in a different light than I have before. You never ever want to see someone that you care about suffer in any way, but oddly enough, it's made me feel closer to him. I've never had the best relationship with my dad. We never had the typical father/son relationship. For the most part, he chose alcohol over his children and still does to an extent. I was never really the son he wanted...that sounds more harsh than it is....I don't at all mean to say that he didn't want me, but he got a gay son who wasn't into sports or girls and I think it showed when I was growing up that he was disappointed that I wasn't into those things. In the last year or so though, we've gotten a bit closer. I've never come out to my dad, but I think he has an idea that I'm gay, and in his own way, he's shown that he's ok with that. We've talked a lot more recently. He's come to me as a more vulnerable person than he ever has and tells me when he's scared or anxious or nervous and I've been there for him late into the night to talk through some of this stuff. Roles have switched and I've become a care taker of sorts and I've really made myself just look at my dad as a person, not so much as a father...and in doing that, I don't mind him at all as a human being. He wasn't capable of being the dad that I needed growing up and honestly, my mom did the job of two parents. I'm forever grateful to her for all that she sacrificed, all of the love that she poured out to me and my sister unconditionally, and all of the joy that she has brought to our lives. I have no clue where I'd be without her. I had to acknowledge that and accept that my dad...while we don't have the best father/son relationship, he's someone that I do care about a great deal and maybe he didn't do the best that he could, but he's struggled with addiction, a disease his whole life. And that disease is killing him now in more ways than one. I don't need to lecture him anymore at this point.

Right now I'm just taking things a day at a time...it's all I can do. But I need to start doing more for myself. I didn't read a single book in the month of August. Well that's not completely true, I listened to an audiobook. But aside from that, nada. I'm going to do RIP during September and October and I'm REALLY looking forward to that!!! I really have a craving to start gardening again, though it's late in the year to do that :/ BUT I do live in southern Louisiana where we can pretty much grow stuff until late December, so all is not lost! I have my new reading room in my apartment which is a fun project to get back to designing. I got my sisters sofa and ottoman and table and lamp. I just need to decorate now! I'd like to get back to baking and cooking as I haven't taken the time to do any of that in a long time. I can't WAIT for the weather to cool down so that I can start going on walks in the woods again!!! I always feel so much better when I'm out in nature. Up until now, I haven't even thought of any of this stuff as a possibility for the most part this year :( That's just what kind of year it's been. I feel like I've mostly just been keeping my head above water. It feels really good that these things are starting to come back!!

I think I'll leave it there for now and go play with my bookshelves for a little while and pick out my RIP books :) I'm sure the pile will be enormous :p Thankfully, I'm off of work tonight so I get to relax and indulge myself! I had my botox injections today for my migraines, so I took the day off because I normally get a pretty bad headache afterwards and end up laid up on pain pills all night. No headaches yet though! Lets hope it stays that way. Ok..off to pick out books!

Rejoining Civilization....

This is likely to be long and rambly for anyone reading. This blog was originally meant to be a place to record my "million and one things" project and it will continue to be that. But I'm going to go ahead and make it more than that too. I have lots of catch up posts to write on the project itself, but I miss blogging terribly...I miss writing and talking to my friends and the other blog just isn't feeling like the place to do that right now. Maybe no one will ever read these posts and that's fine too. They're likely to bore the hell out of anyone who would read them anyway as I'm guessing these posts will be pretty self reflective.

I've always been really awful at keeping a written journal. I never could do it. I think the longest I've ever managed to actually keep one might be three weeks or so. I can't tell you how many journals and notebooks I have that are written in the first ten or so pages only to be abandoned forever after that. But I'm a writer and I always have been. I discovered blogging in 1999 and in one place or another I've been blogging ever since then and I feel so out of sorts if I'm not.

I've been wanting to write lately, but I know that Stuff as Dreams are Made on has a decent readership and I don't want to just write "woe is me, today I'm depressed, today I'm better" everyday on that blog. I think people will quickly tire of that. But the truth is, I've been depressed for awhile now and I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. I've been reading but I just haven't had the desire to review any of the books that I've read. I've fallen so out of touch with people that I cherish and love because I can't muster up the energy to send an email or make a phone call or even comment on blogs. It all becomes overwhelming...overwhelming to the point where it's easier to just shut down. And that's what I've been doing.

I miss everyone so much though. I feel horrible that I've lost touch with everyone. I miss the old me. But I'm going to get the old me back, it'll just take time. I'm painting a much more dreary picture than things really are. I'm not rotting away, it's just a worst bout of depression than I think I've had. Depression is a funny thing. You can have the desire to change, to beat it, to overcome it but sometimes it's like there's just a giant cement barrier between what actually is and what you know should be. Here's a step though...blogging again. And it's in a place that I feel a little more comfortable to just be me. It's not a private blog. Anyone can read it, but it's not one I advertise. Eventually I'll get back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on but right now I just need to get back to writing again. So that's what I'm doing.

I also need to get some of this damn weight that I've gained off...yet another lovely side effect of depression :/ I decided to start doing something though that I often tell my clients to do. I figured I'd take my own advice. Record a list of happy things. Big or small. And since I'm no good at writing things down on paper, I'm just keeping a list on my notepad on my phone. So here are the happy things for today. Actually these started at about 1AM this morning before I went to bed last night :p

-Sitting on my patio late at night and listening to bats flying around while everything else is quiet.
-The new season of House of Cards
-Discovering Locke & Key which is SO DAMN GOOD!
-Getting my taxes done and getting a much better refund than I was expecting which will get some debt paid off!
-Stepping on the scale and LOSING a pound for a change instead of gaining a pound! The right direction!
-Getting the spare bedroom cleaned out finally.
-Blogging again
-The olympics despite my issues with the host country's politics and views. I love the spirit of the Olympians themselves. They've made me smile so much.

Today was a day that I got a LOT accomplished and it feels really good! Now I shall be lazy for the rest of the night and read some more graphic novels, watch some more olympics, and watch some more House of Cards. And I'm DETERMINED to make it a good week!!