Rejoining Civilization....

This is likely to be long and rambly for anyone reading. This blog was originally meant to be a place to record my "million and one things" project and it will continue to be that. But I'm going to go ahead and make it more than that too. I have lots of catch up posts to write on the project itself, but I miss blogging terribly...I miss writing and talking to my friends and the other blog just isn't feeling like the place to do that right now. Maybe no one will ever read these posts and that's fine too. They're likely to bore the hell out of anyone who would read them anyway as I'm guessing these posts will be pretty self reflective.

I've always been really awful at keeping a written journal. I never could do it. I think the longest I've ever managed to actually keep one might be three weeks or so. I can't tell you how many journals and notebooks I have that are written in the first ten or so pages only to be abandoned forever after that. But I'm a writer and I always have been. I discovered blogging in 1999 and in one place or another I've been blogging ever since then and I feel so out of sorts if I'm not.

I've been wanting to write lately, but I know that Stuff as Dreams are Made on has a decent readership and I don't want to just write "woe is me, today I'm depressed, today I'm better" everyday on that blog. I think people will quickly tire of that. But the truth is, I've been depressed for awhile now and I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. I've been reading but I just haven't had the desire to review any of the books that I've read. I've fallen so out of touch with people that I cherish and love because I can't muster up the energy to send an email or make a phone call or even comment on blogs. It all becomes overwhelming...overwhelming to the point where it's easier to just shut down. And that's what I've been doing.

I miss everyone so much though. I feel horrible that I've lost touch with everyone. I miss the old me. But I'm going to get the old me back, it'll just take time. I'm painting a much more dreary picture than things really are. I'm not rotting away, it's just a worst bout of depression than I think I've had. Depression is a funny thing. You can have the desire to change, to beat it, to overcome it but sometimes it's like there's just a giant cement barrier between what actually is and what you know should be. Here's a step though...blogging again. And it's in a place that I feel a little more comfortable to just be me. It's not a private blog. Anyone can read it, but it's not one I advertise. Eventually I'll get back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on but right now I just need to get back to writing again. So that's what I'm doing.

I also need to get some of this damn weight that I've gained off...yet another lovely side effect of depression :/ I decided to start doing something though that I often tell my clients to do. I figured I'd take my own advice. Record a list of happy things. Big or small. And since I'm no good at writing things down on paper, I'm just keeping a list on my notepad on my phone. So here are the happy things for today. Actually these started at about 1AM this morning before I went to bed last night :p

-Sitting on my patio late at night and listening to bats flying around while everything else is quiet.
-The new season of House of Cards
-Discovering Locke & Key which is SO DAMN GOOD!
-Getting my taxes done and getting a much better refund than I was expecting which will get some debt paid off!
-Stepping on the scale and LOSING a pound for a change instead of gaining a pound! The right direction!
-Getting the spare bedroom cleaned out finally.
-Blogging again
-The olympics despite my issues with the host country's politics and views. I love the spirit of the Olympians themselves. They've made me smile so much.

Today was a day that I got a LOT accomplished and it feels really good! Now I shall be lazy for the rest of the night and read some more graphic novels, watch some more olympics, and watch some more House of Cards. And I'm DETERMINED to make it a good week!!