Jumping Back Into The Waters

Today is the start of a new month and it marks the end of the toughest months of the year for me. I HATE July and August. With a passion. Seriously. They literally just drain the life out of me every year. The reason being, the heat is just so unbearable and so stifling in New Orleans. We stay between 90-100 degrees throughout the months of July and August but the heat index and humidity makes it feel in excess of 110 and it's just exhausting. It feels like you can drink the air on some days. I have a hard time understanding people who love the summer and the heat. I'll take the cold any day over the heat! This year was just especially bad. It hasn't been a good year to begin with. I could write for days on why and in time I'm sure I'll get it all down here, but suffice it to say, I really would've liked to just fast forward through these last two months.

BUT, a cool front came through last week reminding me that there's an end to this relentless heat and that Fall is right around the corner! And with that cool front came back my desire to blog again finally. Or at least to get back to writing. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to use this blog for now to do that for a number of reasons. First, let me say that this is not a private blog...it's set up as a blog that anyone can view and I don't mind anyone reading or commenting on what I post here! So if you've found your way here or if you've visited here before, hello :) At the same time, there's a reason I'm writing on this blog. I'm not ready to go back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on. I don't know how many times in the last year I've gone back to that blog and said "I'll be around more often now!" With that ending up obviously not being the case. It has to do with a number of things. There's the fact that it's an 8 year old blog, with 8 years of followers and what I see as expectations even though I know those are self imposed expectations. I feel committed to talking about books mostly on that blog, commenting, keeping up with the latest, posting regularly, not being too personal...and that's not what I need right now. When the time's right, I'll go back to it. But for now, I really need an outlet to just write. About whatever I want to. Just to get me back into writing and visiting friends blogs again. This will be a place that I can work out thoughts on what's going on in my life, vent when I need to, record life events, talk about books and food and art and whatever else is going on. But most importantly, it'll be a place for ME. Which is what I need and what I've been missing. Like I said, if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, I'd love to have you :) But warning ahead of time, I may bore you to tears with this blog :p Unlike Stuff as Dreams are Made on, I don't plan on writing for an audience with this blog.

So the impetus for really wanting to get back to blogging is my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer. I need a place to start writing about this and start getting it out and try as I may, I just suck royally at keeping a handwritten journal. I've finally accepted that after starting probably hundreds of handwritten journals over the years and never going back to them after a few pages :p He was diagnosed almost a month ago now and still hasn't had his biopsy yet :/ It was supposed to be today but he hadn't fasted from aspirin so they had to push it back to Thursday now. Part of me is glad that they finally know what is wrong with him and why he's lost so much weight recently and why his health just continues to decline and part of me, obviously, is scared shitless for him and for myself. I know it's not going to be good news when he has the biopsy. His doctor says he may have had this for up to 3 years, so it's likely to be late stage and/or to have spread. I just really really really hope that this is treatable.

It's the first time in my life that I've really seen my dad scared...it's allowed me to see him in a different light than I have before. You never ever want to see someone that you care about suffer in any way, but oddly enough, it's made me feel closer to him. I've never had the best relationship with my dad. We never had the typical father/son relationship. For the most part, he chose alcohol over his children and still does to an extent. I was never really the son he wanted...that sounds more harsh than it is....I don't at all mean to say that he didn't want me, but he got a gay son who wasn't into sports or girls and I think it showed when I was growing up that he was disappointed that I wasn't into those things. In the last year or so though, we've gotten a bit closer. I've never come out to my dad, but I think he has an idea that I'm gay, and in his own way, he's shown that he's ok with that. We've talked a lot more recently. He's come to me as a more vulnerable person than he ever has and tells me when he's scared or anxious or nervous and I've been there for him late into the night to talk through some of this stuff. Roles have switched and I've become a care taker of sorts and I've really made myself just look at my dad as a person, not so much as a father...and in doing that, I don't mind him at all as a human being. He wasn't capable of being the dad that I needed growing up and honestly, my mom did the job of two parents. I'm forever grateful to her for all that she sacrificed, all of the love that she poured out to me and my sister unconditionally, and all of the joy that she has brought to our lives. I have no clue where I'd be without her. I had to acknowledge that and accept that my dad...while we don't have the best father/son relationship, he's someone that I do care about a great deal and maybe he didn't do the best that he could, but he's struggled with addiction, a disease his whole life. And that disease is killing him now in more ways than one. I don't need to lecture him anymore at this point.

Right now I'm just taking things a day at a time...it's all I can do. But I need to start doing more for myself. I didn't read a single book in the month of August. Well that's not completely true, I listened to an audiobook. But aside from that, nada. I'm going to do RIP during September and October and I'm REALLY looking forward to that!!! I really have a craving to start gardening again, though it's late in the year to do that :/ BUT I do live in southern Louisiana where we can pretty much grow stuff until late December, so all is not lost! I have my new reading room in my apartment which is a fun project to get back to designing. I got my sisters sofa and ottoman and table and lamp. I just need to decorate now! I'd like to get back to baking and cooking as I haven't taken the time to do any of that in a long time. I can't WAIT for the weather to cool down so that I can start going on walks in the woods again!!! I always feel so much better when I'm out in nature. Up until now, I haven't even thought of any of this stuff as a possibility for the most part this year :( That's just what kind of year it's been. I feel like I've mostly just been keeping my head above water. It feels really good that these things are starting to come back!!

I think I'll leave it there for now and go play with my bookshelves for a little while and pick out my RIP books :) I'm sure the pile will be enormous :p Thankfully, I'm off of work tonight so I get to relax and indulge myself! I had my botox injections today for my migraines, so I took the day off because I normally get a pretty bad headache afterwards and end up laid up on pain pills all night. No headaches yet though! Lets hope it stays that way. Ok..off to pick out books!

Rejoining Civilization....

This is likely to be long and rambly for anyone reading. This blog was originally meant to be a place to record my "million and one things" project and it will continue to be that. But I'm going to go ahead and make it more than that too. I have lots of catch up posts to write on the project itself, but I miss blogging terribly...I miss writing and talking to my friends and the other blog just isn't feeling like the place to do that right now. Maybe no one will ever read these posts and that's fine too. They're likely to bore the hell out of anyone who would read them anyway as I'm guessing these posts will be pretty self reflective.

I've always been really awful at keeping a written journal. I never could do it. I think the longest I've ever managed to actually keep one might be three weeks or so. I can't tell you how many journals and notebooks I have that are written in the first ten or so pages only to be abandoned forever after that. But I'm a writer and I always have been. I discovered blogging in 1999 and in one place or another I've been blogging ever since then and I feel so out of sorts if I'm not.

I've been wanting to write lately, but I know that Stuff as Dreams are Made on has a decent readership and I don't want to just write "woe is me, today I'm depressed, today I'm better" everyday on that blog. I think people will quickly tire of that. But the truth is, I've been depressed for awhile now and I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. I've been reading but I just haven't had the desire to review any of the books that I've read. I've fallen so out of touch with people that I cherish and love because I can't muster up the energy to send an email or make a phone call or even comment on blogs. It all becomes overwhelming...overwhelming to the point where it's easier to just shut down. And that's what I've been doing.

I miss everyone so much though. I feel horrible that I've lost touch with everyone. I miss the old me. But I'm going to get the old me back, it'll just take time. I'm painting a much more dreary picture than things really are. I'm not rotting away, it's just a worst bout of depression than I think I've had. Depression is a funny thing. You can have the desire to change, to beat it, to overcome it but sometimes it's like there's just a giant cement barrier between what actually is and what you know should be. Here's a step though...blogging again. And it's in a place that I feel a little more comfortable to just be me. It's not a private blog. Anyone can read it, but it's not one I advertise. Eventually I'll get back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on but right now I just need to get back to writing again. So that's what I'm doing.

I also need to get some of this damn weight that I've gained off...yet another lovely side effect of depression :/ I decided to start doing something though that I often tell my clients to do. I figured I'd take my own advice. Record a list of happy things. Big or small. And since I'm no good at writing things down on paper, I'm just keeping a list on my notepad on my phone. So here are the happy things for today. Actually these started at about 1AM this morning before I went to bed last night :p

-Sitting on my patio late at night and listening to bats flying around while everything else is quiet.
-The new season of House of Cards
-Discovering Locke & Key which is SO DAMN GOOD!
-Getting my taxes done and getting a much better refund than I was expecting which will get some debt paid off!
-Stepping on the scale and LOSING a pound for a change instead of gaining a pound! The right direction!
-Getting the spare bedroom cleaned out finally.
-Blogging again
-The olympics despite my issues with the host country's politics and views. I love the spirit of the Olympians themselves. They've made me smile so much.

Today was a day that I got a LOT accomplished and it feels really good! Now I shall be lazy for the rest of the night and read some more graphic novels, watch some more olympics, and watch some more House of Cards. And I'm DETERMINED to make it a good week!!