With my friend's suicide last week, I was left with tons of questions and things that will never be known. Now I'm left with only memories and pictures and having to know that I'll never see that smiling face again, hear that voice that literally made you smile from ear to ear the second you heard her, and knowing how many other people are left feeling the same way. The outpour of love and grief over her death has been overwhelming. It's amazing to see just how many people she touched with her life and how many people describe her the same way. People I never even knew. One beautiful thing to come from this is that people are talking about depression. And people are reconnecting.
We're having a memorial for her next Saturday. Needless to say, I'm not going to be able to participate in the readathon. But I'll be spending the day remembering my friend and through this I've reconnected with SO many people that I had lost touch with and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again so much!!! I have a feeling it'll be a really beautiful day that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life.
My dad's health issues continue to get worse and a big part of that is him not taking care of himself. It's a really frustrating place to be. I get that he's scared. That he doesn't want to face what he's facing. That it's so much easier to ignore it. But ignoring it right now is the last thing he needs to do. It's such a frustrating feeling to break through that wall. He's ignoring these issues (or maybe avoiding is a better word) BECAUSE he's scared of how serious it could be, so he's not giving up...it's not like that's the issue, but at the same time, the more you ignore it the worse it gets. Of course this is logical to me, but I can't get any of it through to him. And I do get that I'm not in his shoes and I can't know what he's going through. But I don't know how to be there for him right now. All I can do is take him to his appointments or the hospital when he agrees to go. I spent the entire day Sunday (literally the whole day) trying to persuade him to get help or at least call his doctors and he absolutely refuses. I wasn't accusatory or defensive or yelling until a certain point when I just got frustrated. I've tried calling an ambulance once before and he refused to get in and the EMTs wouldn't take him because he refused care. So I'm left with no option but to just watch him deteriorate? And hope he'll come to his senses I guess. These past few months have just been a series of sometimes two steps forward, one step back...sometimes one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I see so much improvement in him and in us, and sometimes it's like he just gives up on it all again.
But once again, I'm finding I need balance in that again as well. As heartless as I feel in saying this, I need to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and that he's responsible for the decisions he makes. And that I need to take care of myself too right now. So that's what I've been doing these last couple of days. Relaxing, reading again, watching tv, played in the garden, went to the lakefront, spent most of yesterday talking to friends on the phone. Tomorrow will be for my dad. I'm taking him to his appointments tomorrow and I'm not planning for them to be too great, but we'll see what it brings.
Balance....I need to remember that word. I've wanted a tattoo for years, but I've always said I won't get one until I know it's something I'll never regret having on my body for the rest of my life. Maybe it should just be that word :p Or maybe a better idea is to just say it out loud every morning ;)
