An Open Letter To Anyone Who May Come Across This Post

I would give anything to not be writing this post right now. I lost a friend to suicide today. I've known her since I was sixteen. Every memory I have of her is laced with laughter and a smile. And I don't say that out of respect for her memory....it's the truth. She was the girl who made everyone laugh, who put a smile on everyone's face. She struggled with addiction throughout her life, but the last time I saw her she was winning the battle. My last memory of her was seeing the Marilyn Manson and Smashing Pumpkins tour with her a couple of months ago and sharing the best bbq pork sandwich in the world passing it back and forth between bites and her telling me about her plans for the future and  talking about old times and laughing our asses off and taking pictures all night. I'm happy with my last memory of her.

But I HATE that it's my last memory of her. I'm nowhere near a place yet that I can accept that it's my last memory of her. I've been privileged enough to never have experienced suicidal thoughts myself, though I have gone through lengthy depressive episodes. I can't imagine what it's like to get to the point where it feels like the only option is to take your life. Depression is a horrible, hopeless beast. And it lies and it tells you that you're alone. It tells you that no one understands you. That no one is there for you. That you're a bother to people. That this will never end. But it does. It does end. It gets better. Sometimes it takes the help of professionals to point you in that direction and show you how it gets better. Sometimes it takes the voice of a friend. Sometimes it takes reading a blog post which is why I'm writing this right now. Know that someone is thinking of YOU even if you just googled "suicide" and came across this post. People care and there is hope and there is light in life.

Depression lies.

Since hearing the news of my friend's death, I've talked to numerous people that I haven't talked to since high school. A whole group of friends that all knew this same person...all people that are so sad to hear about her passing. These are all people who still kept in touch with her even though we haven't all kept in touch with each other. It's been a reminder of how many people there are out there. How many people there are that love and care for this person. How many people's lives she touched. Whatever she was going through didn't let her see that. Or maybe it did, but that wasn't enough.

I don't mean to be dismissive of depression here. I won't say "suicide is for cowards"...I hate when people say that. It takes a lot for someone to take their life and to get to that point mentally. I can't imagine how exhausting that has to be, how terrifying, how horribly alone and sad. I'm a licensed mental health profession who does admissions at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I have years of experience with people who are acutely suicidal. I know how horrible of a place that is and that it's not a place that anyone would choose to be and that it feels that there is no other option at that point.

Let me tell you this. Someone always cares. I care. If you're a complete stranger to me, I care. I have had numerous people over the years tell me that I saved their lives. And I am not saying that in any way to brag and I would never share that information if it weren't for this purpose. When you feel like you are alone, like there is no one in your life that cares about you and no one you can reach out to, call a hospital. There are licensed professionals who do the same type of work that I do who do this work because we care. It's a high stress job and I promise you that's the reason we choose to stay in that job..because we're passionate about it. If you can, reach out to a family member, reach out to a friend. If you go through those options and say or feel that you don't have family or friends, you still have someone...me! Or the equivalent of me. Call a hospital and ask for an admissions counselor or just go to your nearest ER. Or if you can't do that just call 911. Help is always available and sometimes the bravest and best thing you can ever do for yourself is pick up the phone and hit three buttons and trust that it's the right thing even if it doesn't feel like its worth it. Put it in someone else's hands. For whatever reason, this friend of mine either felt she couldn't do that or was blinded by her depression and didn't think of that. Unfortunately, we will never know what happened.

Taking your life means taking away any possibility for any positives in the future. It cannot be reversed. In a depressed state, we don't tend to think about the good things in life. That's a fact. But they are there. I promise you. You're just not focused on them at all right now. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there's no problem that can't be faced, regardless of how insurmountable it feels. Once again, there's help out there for whatever you're going through. Things may not be easy to face. I won't lie and say they are, but they are rarely as ugly as depression and fear and trauma make them out to be in our heads.

Please always fight. Remember that DEPRESSION LIES. It tells great big ugly lies that feel and sound so true at the time but they are not. Somebody always cares. Someone needs you to fight. You have a beautiful life ahead of you filled with literally endless roads and possibilities and it will be so exciting to explore what those roads are and where they'll take you. The journey is just now starting. Don't slam on the brakes, refill your tank instead.