It's one of those days where I need to write. This week has just gotten to the point where all I wanted to do today was complain about everything and I've found it really hard to not focus on the negative and I found myself thinking "it's not fair" repeatedly in my head about so many things. Then I thought...it's Thanksgiving day. LITERALLY, a day for giving thanks. Take a clue, Chris. I'm not being dismissive of the fact that things are rough. Or that some things that are actually in people's control really aren't fair. But for the most part, there's always going to be negativity in life. Sometimes more so than others. Sometimes it's more in my control than it is in other times how much of my time gets spent in a situation that's emotionally draining. I can't control life events that I don't create myself, and I can't even always control my perception of them. But I can at least remind myself in the really rough times to step back for just a quick second and see that there are indeed positives out there still too. It's so easy to lose sight of those sometimes even when they're right there surrounding you like a warm hug. So here are some things that I'm thankful for right now:
The most amazing friends in the world. I truly have THE most amazing friends in the world and it brings me to tears when I stop and think about it. I feel like I've been the most awful friend ever for the last few months, yet I'm constantly reminded that I have amazing people surrounding me and amazing friends all over the world thanks to the internet. With life being as hectic as it's been, email and letter writing has become this little golden nugget that's a cherished thing that I only get once in a blue moon these days. So I've really not been able to keep in touch with so many of the people that I love so dearly that I know through blogging and email and I hate that. Yet emails keep coming in and letters arrive in my mailbox and it means the world to me that I have such amazing friends that still keep me in their thoughts despite the fact that I've disappeared. You're in my thoughts every day too! With the people I do see every day, things have been funny lately. Things that I would normally get upset about have instead been a reminder to me that people care. I had three people this week ask me at work if I was ok because I sounded awful, lol. Not something you normally want to hear, but I was able to stop for a second and realize that they wouldn't tell me that or ask me that if they didn't care themselves. It's really good to have people surrounding you that will point out to you "hey, take care of yourself!" And then today I had a friend offer to work my new years eve shift when she saw that my boss had scheduled me to work thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve and new years day. So that's awesome too that someone willingly stepped in without me asking to give me a day off AND I'll have off New Years eve now to spend some type of holiday time with my family.
My dad's treatment team. We're in the thick of it now with my dad's cancer treatment. They had to change his chemo and he now has to get it two weeks on, one week off instead of just once every three weeks. The side effects have NOT been pleasant and he's felt pretty rotten. But I'm SO thankful for his doctors. He has such an amazing treatment team...it's a true team of doctors and nurses and dietitians and social workers. They know my dad already, they're available when we need them, I can message them whenever I need to to address concerns and I get an answer pretty quickly, they take care of his medications with no problems and most importantly, they're invested in him which makes him invested in himself. I've never seen him so invested in his care.
I'm just as thankful for a forum I found at Inspire.com. It's a website for health related issues and they have a forum for pretty much any chronic health condition you can think of. I can only speak for the lung cancer forum because that's the one I've been using, but I'd highly recommend it if you or a loved one have a chronic health condition. It reminds me of book blogging really, but talking about diseases instead :p I stumbled upon it googling one of my dad's chemo drugs and it has been such a life saver! I've found answers to questions I would've never found anywhere else. Today was the first time I posted on there because my dad has been having one really specific problem that was kind of major and instantly I got a response that solved the problem. I don't think we EVER would have fixed this problem had it not been for me posting there...it turned out to be a rare side effect of one of many medications that he's on right now. It's a forum of people going through lung cancer and care givers. Some who are just starting treatment, some who are in remission, some who have been in treatment for years. So you find all of this amazing advice you can't even get from doctors :p Though of course I'll check with my dad's doctor before doing anything. But if the other forums are as helpful and supportive as the lung cancer forum, I highly recommend them. Sometimes it's just a good place to talk and get support.
Music. I don't know what I'd do without music these days! I've started playing my classical music playlist at night to help me doze off and it's worked wonders and I've found that I sleep much more peacefully and wake up feeling more rested. And there's just been so much GOOD music released this year!! Especially in this last part of the year. I'm still obsessed with the new Grimes album. Joanna Newsom's new album, Divers is quickly becoming a new favorite as well. She's so damn incredible. Sufjan's new album. Nicole Dollanganger. Chvrches. I've fallen back in love with Jeff Buckley recently. It's so comforting sometimes to go back to artists you haven't listened to in ages yet you know them so intimately. That's Jeff Buckley for me. I don't know why I haven't listened to him in so long. These have all become the soundtrack of 2015 and even though the year isn't filled with the greatest memories in the world, the soundtrack is pretty damn good ;)
Family. Family is always really good. And we've cherished our time together recently even though it's all sort of been spread out. I do miss my little brother though. I rarely get to see him these days since he's up in Baton Rouge in college and working! Looking forward to Christmas eve though when we'll all be together.
I'm thankful for books, I just can't read them these days. I'm even having a hard time with audio books. My mind just isn't able to concentrate lately so I've just sort of accepted that reading is getting put aside right now and I'm not stressing out about it. Whenever I do get the urge to read, I have an awesome pile of books sitting here and I pick one up and start reading and if my mind isn't taking anything in, I just put it down again. That'll come back in time though, I'm sure of it :)
And I feel much better now :) Amazing how focusing on the good can do that, eh? Just though of a few more things I can add to this list too, but I'm going to wrap this up for now. I really should do this more often though. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that your life is showered with things to be thankful for as well :)
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
How Is It November?
I seriously don't know how this year has gone by so quickly! There's a part of me that wants and needs time to slow down...as in come to a screeching halt, so that I can get Christmas shopping done and they myriad of other things that I need to get done, done. And yes, I know it's too early to be panicking about Christmas, but with the way things have been this year, it'll be December 23rd and I'll say "oh shit, christmas!" The bigger part of me wants it to just be 2016 already because I hate this year. Not that January 1st 2016 is some magical date where everything will suddenly become better. It's a completely arbitrary date, but there's something about the collective mindset of the world of regrouping and refocusing and shifting thoughts to the positive on that date that I think helps everyone to readjust attitudes. It's STAYING with that attitude despite the numerous challenges we inevitably face every year instead of focusing on "well this ruined what was supposed to be a better year for me." I'm speaking only for myself here and how this concept applies to me. The fact is...bad things happen. There's never going to be a year where you make it 365 days without some sort of tragedy or snafu or mindfuck. But it's about somehow learning how to not get sucked down the rabbit hole and I guess accepting that these things are inevitable...I guess that's the first step. I feel like I'm slowwwwwly on the way there but damn is that ever a long process to figure out.
Tomorrow is day 1 of my dad's chemo treatment. It'll be a long day. I'm sleeping at my mom's tonight so that I can take him in the morning. We need to be there for 7:30 and they told us to plan on spending most of our day there. We have NO clue how he's going to react to it which is the scariest part. He might be fine and he might be terribly ill after. It might work and it might not work at all. They're using two different chemo drugs on him. When he's done with chemo, I have clients to see from 4-8 so it'll be a loooong day tomorrow. But I'll make it through. And when I'm done I can come home and crash and watch crap TV and read and play on the internet and take a hot bath and I don't have anything to do on tuesday until work at 3, so I can sleep in :)
In other news, I need this new Grimes album to come out NOW!!! She released another track off of it called "Scream" and it couldn't be more different than the first single which has grown on me more and more and more and I'm in love with it. Haven't been this excited about an album in a long time :) I love how eclectic this album is going to be and I love that Grimes defies the idea of genre music and just writes whatever she wants and puts many different types of music on an album that are all completely different yet somehow go together perfectly and are essentially her. I want to go see her show here so bad. It's been a life goal of mine to see her live but I have clients scheduled for that night and they're new clients that I don't know if I can reschedule :/ We'll see how things work out.
I was talking to Debi about this the other day in an email...I tend to turn to music whenever I'm going through rough times. Tori Amos has been the musician who has gotten me through the roughest times of my life...for some reason, it's specifically been her UNDER THE PINK album going back to my junior year of high school. Grimes has done that recently, mostly because I've just happened to be listening to her a lot recently. Do you ever listen to a song that you've listened to a hundred times and because of the situation you're in, hear it differently than you've ever heard it? That happened to me on my way to work while listening to Oblivion the other day. It's one of her most well known songs. She wrote the song after being sexually assaulted in order to help overcome the trauma it inflicted upon her. It's undoubtedly helped many and it did the same to me the other day when I was listening to it...I don't know that Claire was talking about her physical health or her mental health when she wrote these lyrics...she's been open about having physical health issues in the past and not always taking the best care of herself but she tries. But I really HEARD these lyrics the other day in this song:
I need someone now
To look into my eyes and tell me
“Girl you know you’ve got to watch your health”
Tomorrow is day 1 of my dad's chemo treatment. It'll be a long day. I'm sleeping at my mom's tonight so that I can take him in the morning. We need to be there for 7:30 and they told us to plan on spending most of our day there. We have NO clue how he's going to react to it which is the scariest part. He might be fine and he might be terribly ill after. It might work and it might not work at all. They're using two different chemo drugs on him. When he's done with chemo, I have clients to see from 4-8 so it'll be a loooong day tomorrow. But I'll make it through. And when I'm done I can come home and crash and watch crap TV and read and play on the internet and take a hot bath and I don't have anything to do on tuesday until work at 3, so I can sleep in :)
In other news, I need this new Grimes album to come out NOW!!! She released another track off of it called "Scream" and it couldn't be more different than the first single which has grown on me more and more and more and I'm in love with it. Haven't been this excited about an album in a long time :) I love how eclectic this album is going to be and I love that Grimes defies the idea of genre music and just writes whatever she wants and puts many different types of music on an album that are all completely different yet somehow go together perfectly and are essentially her. I want to go see her show here so bad. It's been a life goal of mine to see her live but I have clients scheduled for that night and they're new clients that I don't know if I can reschedule :/ We'll see how things work out.
I was talking to Debi about this the other day in an email...I tend to turn to music whenever I'm going through rough times. Tori Amos has been the musician who has gotten me through the roughest times of my life...for some reason, it's specifically been her UNDER THE PINK album going back to my junior year of high school. Grimes has done that recently, mostly because I've just happened to be listening to her a lot recently. Do you ever listen to a song that you've listened to a hundred times and because of the situation you're in, hear it differently than you've ever heard it? That happened to me on my way to work while listening to Oblivion the other day. It's one of her most well known songs. She wrote the song after being sexually assaulted in order to help overcome the trauma it inflicted upon her. It's undoubtedly helped many and it did the same to me the other day when I was listening to it...I don't know that Claire was talking about her physical health or her mental health when she wrote these lyrics...she's been open about having physical health issues in the past and not always taking the best care of herself but she tries. But I really HEARD these lyrics the other day in this song:
I need someone now
To look into my eyes and tell me
“Girl you know you’ve got to watch your health”
And it really brought tears to my eyes...for her and how personal those lyrics are, for myself and how much those lyrics resonated in many different ways, for my dad, and for so many other people that I know and for just being thankful that she put those lyrics out there. We all need reminders like that and she gives it to us there. Take care of your physical health and your mental health. It's easy to forget when you worry about so many other things. That's usually the first thing we ignore sadly. Ok...enough rambling. I'll leave you with the video for Oblivion because it's an awesome song :)
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Happy Things!
I thought today might be a good day to focus on the good. Because there IS always good and lots of it when we take time to notice it :) This week was back to work after some time off and it was an especially crappy week at work which I won't focus on here, but I found that despite that, I was able to not let it get to me so much. I basically shifted my mind set to "this is my job, I can only do what I can do, I can't make everyone happy, my focus is going to be on taking care of the patients." And I've found that when I make my focus on the patients alone rather than the politics of the job, work becomes much much more rewarding. Not always easy, but good to remind myself of that!
Today is my day completely off of work with no other obligations!! And it's quite the cozy day :) It's my perfect idea of a day off actually. I woke up at noon to thunder and wind and rain (my favorite kind of weather) and we're forecasted to have this kind of weather for the next 24 hours thanks to Patricia. Though of course, I'd happily give up this day to take away the destruction caused by Patricia :( There's something that I find so enthralling and electrifying about the wonder and power of a hurricane that I can't even put into words...the weather event itself is awe inspiring...but the destruction caused by them is so awful and heartbreaking :( Today though, for me personally, I'm just getting the remnants...and that is thunderstorms and gusty winds and a dark room with a cozy blanket and books and horror movies and coffee :) It's really a perfect Sunday and just what I needed.
My dad had his doctor appointment with his primary care doctor yesterday and felt discouraged because he was having a bad day. No bad news, per say, just not a good day. And then we had a nightmare at the pharmacy which still hasn't resolved itself. So after his appointment, I gave him a little gift that had just happen to arrive in the mail that morning:
It put the BIGGEST smile on his face and he laughed out loud like I haven't heard him do in months. So worth it just for that moment, but I think this will help him even more than just that moment. He asked me to put it on him right away and said it will be his good luck charm. And of course, he's showing it off to everyone he sees now and he said he can't wait to show it to his oncologist tomorrow :p I got this from an amazing Etsy seller. Her shop is Stamping Cancer Out. She is SUCH a sweetheart. I've gotten the sweetest messages from her, she sent the sweetest thank you card with the necklace and her shop is really amazing. I think her shop will become a favorite throughout this process.
Other things I've found on Etsy lately that I've really loved:
I am obsessed with these Day of the Dead poppets that Lisa Snellings Clark has created!! I just need a pay raise :p It's Day of the Dead and Poppets. Two of my favorite things.
This woman's sculptures are absolutely incredible! They truly take my breath away. She doesn't sell the sculptures on her Etsy site, but she sells prints of them and I want them all :p I would love to own one of these sculptures though or at the least visit a gallery of them some day.
I love this woman's art so much. Love the native american influence and color choices she uses as well as her aesthetic!
The fabric that this woman sells in her shop makes me wish that I knew how to sew or at the very least had a reason to do something with fabric :p I seriously love her designs SO MUCH. Anyone have any ideas on a project I could do with fabric? lol. I desperately want a reason to own some of this!
Finally, this is an Etsy seller that I've become friends with over the years and she's amazing! Her name's Hollie and her collages are incredible and I really love her new work. She does most of her collages on old book covers and you'll often see things like old library cards integrated into her work. And she has really awesome taste in music :)
Speaking of music, this is such an exciting time for music right now!!! Thursday night was the worst night of the week at work and when I got in my car to leave, my phone informed me that the new Joanna Newsom album had been released a few hours early so I got to listen to it on my commute home :D This was in my top 3 most anticipated albums of the year!! And it didn't disappoint at all. God, this album is so damn good. There are certain moments on this album that really shine and literally take your breath away. Like "Divers", which is also the title of the album. I could listen to that song over and over again. This may not be the most consistently amazing album she's released from beginning to end, but the moments that shine are amazing and the album as a whole is still solid as a rock.
Ana posted a link to this interview with Chvrches front woman, Lauren Mayberry which I hadn't read yet and it's such a good interview. Every Open Eye was one of my other top 3 most anticipated albums of the year and it too did not disappoint!! I love their confidence, I love Lauren so much, and last week she performed I Need My Girl with The National and it was amazing!! I need more moments like this to happen please when my favorite bands come together and do amazing things thanks. Have a look:
And finally, my absolute MOST anticipated album of the year is supposed to drop this week!!!! And that would be Grimes' new album! I have literally been waiting for this album for 2 years now. And I have been so inpatient since May when Claire Boucher (aka Grimes) announced that it would come out some time in October. She performed her first show last night and I obsessively stalked YouTube and Instagram looking for videos of new songs to be posted and was rewarded with about 4, 8 second clips of new material :p And the sound quality was horrible so I have no idea still what the album will sound like but I'm really excited! She's another awesome musician and genuinely awesome person.
Now if I could just get back to reading again....going to TRY to do some of that today...I have so many awesome books here waiting to be read too! We'll see what sticks!
Today is my day completely off of work with no other obligations!! And it's quite the cozy day :) It's my perfect idea of a day off actually. I woke up at noon to thunder and wind and rain (my favorite kind of weather) and we're forecasted to have this kind of weather for the next 24 hours thanks to Patricia. Though of course, I'd happily give up this day to take away the destruction caused by Patricia :( There's something that I find so enthralling and electrifying about the wonder and power of a hurricane that I can't even put into words...the weather event itself is awe inspiring...but the destruction caused by them is so awful and heartbreaking :( Today though, for me personally, I'm just getting the remnants...and that is thunderstorms and gusty winds and a dark room with a cozy blanket and books and horror movies and coffee :) It's really a perfect Sunday and just what I needed.
My dad had his doctor appointment with his primary care doctor yesterday and felt discouraged because he was having a bad day. No bad news, per say, just not a good day. And then we had a nightmare at the pharmacy which still hasn't resolved itself. So after his appointment, I gave him a little gift that had just happen to arrive in the mail that morning:
It put the BIGGEST smile on his face and he laughed out loud like I haven't heard him do in months. So worth it just for that moment, but I think this will help him even more than just that moment. He asked me to put it on him right away and said it will be his good luck charm. And of course, he's showing it off to everyone he sees now and he said he can't wait to show it to his oncologist tomorrow :p I got this from an amazing Etsy seller. Her shop is Stamping Cancer Out. She is SUCH a sweetheart. I've gotten the sweetest messages from her, she sent the sweetest thank you card with the necklace and her shop is really amazing. I think her shop will become a favorite throughout this process.
Other things I've found on Etsy lately that I've really loved:
I am obsessed with these Day of the Dead poppets that Lisa Snellings Clark has created!! I just need a pay raise :p It's Day of the Dead and Poppets. Two of my favorite things.
This woman's sculptures are absolutely incredible! They truly take my breath away. She doesn't sell the sculptures on her Etsy site, but she sells prints of them and I want them all :p I would love to own one of these sculptures though or at the least visit a gallery of them some day.
I love this woman's art so much. Love the native american influence and color choices she uses as well as her aesthetic!
The fabric that this woman sells in her shop makes me wish that I knew how to sew or at the very least had a reason to do something with fabric :p I seriously love her designs SO MUCH. Anyone have any ideas on a project I could do with fabric? lol. I desperately want a reason to own some of this!
Finally, this is an Etsy seller that I've become friends with over the years and she's amazing! Her name's Hollie and her collages are incredible and I really love her new work. She does most of her collages on old book covers and you'll often see things like old library cards integrated into her work. And she has really awesome taste in music :)
Speaking of music, this is such an exciting time for music right now!!! Thursday night was the worst night of the week at work and when I got in my car to leave, my phone informed me that the new Joanna Newsom album had been released a few hours early so I got to listen to it on my commute home :D This was in my top 3 most anticipated albums of the year!! And it didn't disappoint at all. God, this album is so damn good. There are certain moments on this album that really shine and literally take your breath away. Like "Divers", which is also the title of the album. I could listen to that song over and over again. This may not be the most consistently amazing album she's released from beginning to end, but the moments that shine are amazing and the album as a whole is still solid as a rock.
Ana posted a link to this interview with Chvrches front woman, Lauren Mayberry which I hadn't read yet and it's such a good interview. Every Open Eye was one of my other top 3 most anticipated albums of the year and it too did not disappoint!! I love their confidence, I love Lauren so much, and last week she performed I Need My Girl with The National and it was amazing!! I need more moments like this to happen please when my favorite bands come together and do amazing things thanks. Have a look:
And finally, my absolute MOST anticipated album of the year is supposed to drop this week!!!! And that would be Grimes' new album! I have literally been waiting for this album for 2 years now. And I have been so inpatient since May when Claire Boucher (aka Grimes) announced that it would come out some time in October. She performed her first show last night and I obsessively stalked YouTube and Instagram looking for videos of new songs to be posted and was rewarded with about 4, 8 second clips of new material :p And the sound quality was horrible so I have no idea still what the album will sound like but I'm really excited! She's another awesome musician and genuinely awesome person.
Now if I could just get back to reading again....going to TRY to do some of that today...I have so many awesome books here waiting to be read too! We'll see what sticks!
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Navigating the Ups and Downs
Well it's been quite the week. But I'm enjoying some much needed time off right now which came at just the right time. I'm learning something really interesting about life right now....that you can find balance in anything if you allow yourself to be open to it. Maybe I shouldn't say that as a blanket statement. I know that comes easier to some than others and lord knows it has never come easy to me. I'm not saying by any means that it's an easy thing to do. In fact, it's taken me getting to a place where I literally had no other option except to accept that I need to find some balance to find just that. I just wish there was an easier way to find that. I wish we could find that without waiting until a crisis comes upon us. I wish it was easy not to slip back into our old ways once a crisis passes.
With my friend's suicide last week, I was left with tons of questions and things that will never be known. Now I'm left with only memories and pictures and having to know that I'll never see that smiling face again, hear that voice that literally made you smile from ear to ear the second you heard her, and knowing how many other people are left feeling the same way. The outpour of love and grief over her death has been overwhelming. It's amazing to see just how many people she touched with her life and how many people describe her the same way. People I never even knew. One beautiful thing to come from this is that people are talking about depression. And people are reconnecting.
We're having a memorial for her next Saturday. Needless to say, I'm not going to be able to participate in the readathon. But I'll be spending the day remembering my friend and through this I've reconnected with SO many people that I had lost touch with and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again so much!!! I have a feeling it'll be a really beautiful day that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life.
My dad's health issues continue to get worse and a big part of that is him not taking care of himself. It's a really frustrating place to be. I get that he's scared. That he doesn't want to face what he's facing. That it's so much easier to ignore it. But ignoring it right now is the last thing he needs to do. It's such a frustrating feeling to break through that wall. He's ignoring these issues (or maybe avoiding is a better word) BECAUSE he's scared of how serious it could be, so he's not giving up...it's not like that's the issue, but at the same time, the more you ignore it the worse it gets. Of course this is logical to me, but I can't get any of it through to him. And I do get that I'm not in his shoes and I can't know what he's going through. But I don't know how to be there for him right now. All I can do is take him to his appointments or the hospital when he agrees to go. I spent the entire day Sunday (literally the whole day) trying to persuade him to get help or at least call his doctors and he absolutely refuses. I wasn't accusatory or defensive or yelling until a certain point when I just got frustrated. I've tried calling an ambulance once before and he refused to get in and the EMTs wouldn't take him because he refused care. So I'm left with no option but to just watch him deteriorate? And hope he'll come to his senses I guess. These past few months have just been a series of sometimes two steps forward, one step back...sometimes one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I see so much improvement in him and in us, and sometimes it's like he just gives up on it all again.
But once again, I'm finding I need balance in that again as well. As heartless as I feel in saying this, I need to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and that he's responsible for the decisions he makes. And that I need to take care of myself too right now. So that's what I've been doing these last couple of days. Relaxing, reading again, watching tv, played in the garden, went to the lakefront, spent most of yesterday talking to friends on the phone. Tomorrow will be for my dad. I'm taking him to his appointments tomorrow and I'm not planning for them to be too great, but we'll see what it brings.
Balance....I need to remember that word. I've wanted a tattoo for years, but I've always said I won't get one until I know it's something I'll never regret having on my body for the rest of my life. Maybe it should just be that word :p Or maybe a better idea is to just say it out loud every morning ;)
Thursday, October 8, 2015
An Open Letter To Anyone Who May Come Across This Post
I would give anything to not be writing this post right now. I lost a friend to suicide today. I've known her since I was sixteen. Every memory I have of her is laced with laughter and a smile. And I don't say that out of respect for her memory....it's the truth. She was the girl who made everyone laugh, who put a smile on everyone's face. She struggled with addiction throughout her life, but the last time I saw her she was winning the battle. My last memory of her was seeing the Marilyn Manson and Smashing Pumpkins tour with her a couple of months ago and sharing the best bbq pork sandwich in the world passing it back and forth between bites and her telling me about her plans for the future and talking about old times and laughing our asses off and taking pictures all night. I'm happy with my last memory of her.
But I HATE that it's my last memory of her. I'm nowhere near a place yet that I can accept that it's my last memory of her. I've been privileged enough to never have experienced suicidal thoughts myself, though I have gone through lengthy depressive episodes. I can't imagine what it's like to get to the point where it feels like the only option is to take your life. Depression is a horrible, hopeless beast. And it lies and it tells you that you're alone. It tells you that no one understands you. That no one is there for you. That you're a bother to people. That this will never end. But it does. It does end. It gets better. Sometimes it takes the help of professionals to point you in that direction and show you how it gets better. Sometimes it takes the voice of a friend. Sometimes it takes reading a blog post which is why I'm writing this right now. Know that someone is thinking of YOU even if you just googled "suicide" and came across this post. People care and there is hope and there is light in life.
Depression lies.
Since hearing the news of my friend's death, I've talked to numerous people that I haven't talked to since high school. A whole group of friends that all knew this same person...all people that are so sad to hear about her passing. These are all people who still kept in touch with her even though we haven't all kept in touch with each other. It's been a reminder of how many people there are out there. How many people there are that love and care for this person. How many people's lives she touched. Whatever she was going through didn't let her see that. Or maybe it did, but that wasn't enough.
I don't mean to be dismissive of depression here. I won't say "suicide is for cowards"...I hate when people say that. It takes a lot for someone to take their life and to get to that point mentally. I can't imagine how exhausting that has to be, how terrifying, how horribly alone and sad. I'm a licensed mental health profession who does admissions at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I have years of experience with people who are acutely suicidal. I know how horrible of a place that is and that it's not a place that anyone would choose to be and that it feels that there is no other option at that point.
Let me tell you this. Someone always cares. I care. If you're a complete stranger to me, I care. I have had numerous people over the years tell me that I saved their lives. And I am not saying that in any way to brag and I would never share that information if it weren't for this purpose. When you feel like you are alone, like there is no one in your life that cares about you and no one you can reach out to, call a hospital. There are licensed professionals who do the same type of work that I do who do this work because we care. It's a high stress job and I promise you that's the reason we choose to stay in that job..because we're passionate about it. If you can, reach out to a family member, reach out to a friend. If you go through those options and say or feel that you don't have family or friends, you still have someone...me! Or the equivalent of me. Call a hospital and ask for an admissions counselor or just go to your nearest ER. Or if you can't do that just call 911. Help is always available and sometimes the bravest and best thing you can ever do for yourself is pick up the phone and hit three buttons and trust that it's the right thing even if it doesn't feel like its worth it. Put it in someone else's hands. For whatever reason, this friend of mine either felt she couldn't do that or was blinded by her depression and didn't think of that. Unfortunately, we will never know what happened.
Taking your life means taking away any possibility for any positives in the future. It cannot be reversed. In a depressed state, we don't tend to think about the good things in life. That's a fact. But they are there. I promise you. You're just not focused on them at all right now. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there's no problem that can't be faced, regardless of how insurmountable it feels. Once again, there's help out there for whatever you're going through. Things may not be easy to face. I won't lie and say they are, but they are rarely as ugly as depression and fear and trauma make them out to be in our heads.
Please always fight. Remember that DEPRESSION LIES. It tells great big ugly lies that feel and sound so true at the time but they are not. Somebody always cares. Someone needs you to fight. You have a beautiful life ahead of you filled with literally endless roads and possibilities and it will be so exciting to explore what those roads are and where they'll take you. The journey is just now starting. Don't slam on the brakes, refill your tank instead.
But I HATE that it's my last memory of her. I'm nowhere near a place yet that I can accept that it's my last memory of her. I've been privileged enough to never have experienced suicidal thoughts myself, though I have gone through lengthy depressive episodes. I can't imagine what it's like to get to the point where it feels like the only option is to take your life. Depression is a horrible, hopeless beast. And it lies and it tells you that you're alone. It tells you that no one understands you. That no one is there for you. That you're a bother to people. That this will never end. But it does. It does end. It gets better. Sometimes it takes the help of professionals to point you in that direction and show you how it gets better. Sometimes it takes the voice of a friend. Sometimes it takes reading a blog post which is why I'm writing this right now. Know that someone is thinking of YOU even if you just googled "suicide" and came across this post. People care and there is hope and there is light in life.
Depression lies.
Since hearing the news of my friend's death, I've talked to numerous people that I haven't talked to since high school. A whole group of friends that all knew this same person...all people that are so sad to hear about her passing. These are all people who still kept in touch with her even though we haven't all kept in touch with each other. It's been a reminder of how many people there are out there. How many people there are that love and care for this person. How many people's lives she touched. Whatever she was going through didn't let her see that. Or maybe it did, but that wasn't enough.
I don't mean to be dismissive of depression here. I won't say "suicide is for cowards"...I hate when people say that. It takes a lot for someone to take their life and to get to that point mentally. I can't imagine how exhausting that has to be, how terrifying, how horribly alone and sad. I'm a licensed mental health profession who does admissions at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I have years of experience with people who are acutely suicidal. I know how horrible of a place that is and that it's not a place that anyone would choose to be and that it feels that there is no other option at that point.
Let me tell you this. Someone always cares. I care. If you're a complete stranger to me, I care. I have had numerous people over the years tell me that I saved their lives. And I am not saying that in any way to brag and I would never share that information if it weren't for this purpose. When you feel like you are alone, like there is no one in your life that cares about you and no one you can reach out to, call a hospital. There are licensed professionals who do the same type of work that I do who do this work because we care. It's a high stress job and I promise you that's the reason we choose to stay in that job..because we're passionate about it. If you can, reach out to a family member, reach out to a friend. If you go through those options and say or feel that you don't have family or friends, you still have someone...me! Or the equivalent of me. Call a hospital and ask for an admissions counselor or just go to your nearest ER. Or if you can't do that just call 911. Help is always available and sometimes the bravest and best thing you can ever do for yourself is pick up the phone and hit three buttons and trust that it's the right thing even if it doesn't feel like its worth it. Put it in someone else's hands. For whatever reason, this friend of mine either felt she couldn't do that or was blinded by her depression and didn't think of that. Unfortunately, we will never know what happened.
Taking your life means taking away any possibility for any positives in the future. It cannot be reversed. In a depressed state, we don't tend to think about the good things in life. That's a fact. But they are there. I promise you. You're just not focused on them at all right now. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there's no problem that can't be faced, regardless of how insurmountable it feels. Once again, there's help out there for whatever you're going through. Things may not be easy to face. I won't lie and say they are, but they are rarely as ugly as depression and fear and trauma make them out to be in our heads.
Please always fight. Remember that DEPRESSION LIES. It tells great big ugly lies that feel and sound so true at the time but they are not. Somebody always cares. Someone needs you to fight. You have a beautiful life ahead of you filled with literally endless roads and possibilities and it will be so exciting to explore what those roads are and where they'll take you. The journey is just now starting. Don't slam on the brakes, refill your tank instead.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Money Can Buy A Little Bit Of Happiness!
One of the things that I've worked really hard on this year is saving money and paying off debt. Well, I should say, not spending money as frivolously and paying off debt. And I'm proud of myself for how well I've done!! I've made HUGE changes in the amount of random stuff I buy and I don't buy books anymore unless they're books that I'm really excited about and know that I plan on reading. In fact, what I've been doing is preordering books that I'm excited about and mostly limiting myself to just those books. I've been doing the same with music. Which is a lot harder because I'm a music addict just as much so as with books. Only I'm always looking for new music. So that can get to be quite expensive. I used to buy every album that I thought I would enjoy on vinyl. But this year, I've seriously cut back on that and I've only been buying albums by bands that I truly love on vinyl...things that I "need" to have in my collection. Less is more is sort of the theme of the year when it comes to "stuff".
If you were to look at my mailbox today, you'd think I was a total failure at this money saving and paying off debt thing :p I swear today was the best day I can think of in any recent time when it came to book releases!! 5 books that I had preordered all arrived today and they're some of my most anticipated books of the year. One of my most anticipated albums of the year arrived too along with awesome bonus swag. AND to top it off, I got a really awesome card in the mail too :) All of this couldn't have come at a better time :) So I thought I'd share and talk about all of these goodies. First up, BOOKS! Remember when I used to talk about those?
How often do that many awesome books come out all in one day??? So excited about all of these! My readathon pile is suddenly becoming a little bit clearer ;)
If you were to look at my mailbox today, you'd think I was a total failure at this money saving and paying off debt thing :p I swear today was the best day I can think of in any recent time when it came to book releases!! 5 books that I had preordered all arrived today and they're some of my most anticipated books of the year. One of my most anticipated albums of the year arrived too along with awesome bonus swag. AND to top it off, I got a really awesome card in the mail too :) All of this couldn't have come at a better time :) So I thought I'd share and talk about all of these goodies. First up, BOOKS! Remember when I used to talk about those?
How often do that many awesome books come out all in one day??? So excited about all of these! My readathon pile is suddenly becoming a little bit clearer ;)
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Illustrated Edition) by J.K. Rowling - I knew this book was going to be gorgeous, but I had no idea it would be this beautiful! They put so much love into the creation of this book. I've been wanting to reread this series for ages. Harry Potter will forever be one of my favorite series and I have such wonderful memories associated with each one of these books. I'm really hoping that they plan on releasing all of the books in this format. It would be fantastic to experience them all like this! It's going to be nice to revisit this and all the memories that I'm sure will come along with it :)
- The Nest by Kenneth Oppel, Illustrated by Jon Klassen - I completely forgot that I had preordered this book and didn't even remember what it was about :p I still don't remember why exactly I preordered it or where I heard about it? But just looking at the book itself, I can instantly see that it's something that I'll fall in love with. Aesthetically, it's gorgeous and haunting looking and it's described as "a haunting, gothic tale for fans of Coraline." SOLD!
- Ghostly: A Collection of Ghost Stories collected and introduced by Audrey Niffenegger - The reason why I bought this is evident in the title :p It's a collection of ghost stories that's been curated by Audrey Niffenegger. This has the potential to be one of my favorite short story collections ever! In addition to that, she's illustrated each story herself and it includes a brand new story by her, Neil Gaiman and Kelly Link among others. Yes please!
- M Train by Patti Smith - I love Patti Smith's writing so much. In a way, her writing has always reminded me a bit of Francesca Lia Block. And she's just a really awesome person. This book is sort of a road map of her life told through her visits to various cafes around the world. Sounds like a cozy and intimate book that might be a perfect readathon read :)
- The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness - NEW PATRICK NESS!!!!! I've been waiting for this book for so long!!!! It took everything I had to be patient and not pay more money than I had to to get this book when it was released a month ago overseas. But I knew my reading has been nonexistent lately and that it was a smart idea just to wait, so the day has finally arrived and it's in my hands now :) If I haven't gobbled it up by then, this will be in my readathon pile as well!
This has been such a great year for music too! Frankly, I'm shocked that I've been as restrained as I have been when it comes to buying music on vinyl. But I've been disciplined :) There are a few bands though that I'll make exceptions for and one of them is Chvrches. I've been waiting for their sophomore album since the day they released their debut :p The second I heard Chvrches for the first time a couple of years ago, it was instant love. It's so rare that a band maintains that same caliber with a second album, but they've done it with this one, Every Open Eye. They offered this really great package too at a really great price! So now I have the new album on white vinyl WITH a really cool t-shirt AND a postcard signed by all three members of the band :D Now I just need them to come down here on their tour.
And finally I got my card of the month from Holstee. I love those guys so much. I get a new letterpress card every month from them and each month it's centered around a theme. This month's theme was particularly poignant. It's vulnerability. They also included this little sticker with the card this month that I love so so much!!! Now I just need to get my writing mojo back and start sending out some of these cards. Included with your card each month, they send you a little description on why they chose that theme and a brief meditation on it....I really loved this month's...here's what they had to say:
Yep....pretty perfect for right now. So, thank ye gods for a wonderful mail day when it was much needed :) I'm good for awhile now! Now I'm off to go enjoy some of these goodies.
Monday, October 5, 2015
On Discovering New Intersections In Life
I'm finding myself at this weird intersection in life that I've never come across before. It's a mixture of emotions that is so hard to describe because I don't know that there is a way to describe it. For the last few months, I've basically dropped off of the face of the earth. That's mainly because I've been in this bizarre period of life where so much is up in the air. My normal reaction to stress and depression is to cower from it....run from it...seclude myself. The thing is, when I go through depressive episodes, they normally only last a couple of months, max, and even during them, they're manageable with the self care techniques I've adapted over the years. And with stress, I've adapted to being able to thrive off of it for the most part. But this year has been different. Even before my dad's cancer diagnosis.
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.
The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.
My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.
I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.
This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.
I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."
More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.
So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.
I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.
I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.
I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!
Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.
The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.
My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.
I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.
This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.
I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."
More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.
So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.
I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.
I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.
I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!
Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Things That I'm Grateful For
I've been drafting this entry in my head all week...only it hasn't been called "Things That I'm Grateful For"...it's been called "Things I Hate" and it was going to start with cancer, cancer, cancer. Followed by a myriad of other things that have upset me this week. Focusing on the things that upset me isn't going to work right now though. At least, to the extent that I can avoid it. There are some things that no matter how much I'd love to avoid them, they're right there in front of you 24/7 like a big fat fucking elephant.
Cancer has a tendency to be personified, and that's what I'm trying to drill into my head right now. This DISEASE does not have emotions or malicious intent. It's not sitting in a corner, rubbing it's hands together and laughing at the destruction it's causing. Though it feels that way. It's the genetic mutation of cells that are causing my dad's organ tissues to not function properly. But damn is it hard to watch. It's fucking ugly. My mom was diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer a couple of years ago, which is now considered precancerous. That nearly wrecked me. And she showed no signs or symptoms of cancer aside from having to have a lumpectomy to remove the cells and has been fine since. This is totally different and it breaks my heart so bad for anyone who has EVER had to watch someone suffer with cancer. It's something I think you can't understand until you really experience it. I've given my "I'm so so sorry's" to friends over the years when their relatives were diagnosed with cancer, but I never understood how awful this disease really was until you start to see what it does. My dad gets his biopsy results on Wednesday. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. I want to have hope. I do have hope. It's also scary to see how quickly he's being affected by this. Like, in a matter of a week. I know medicine cannot work miracles. Here's hoping for the best though.
In the midst of all this, my mom sent me an email on Friday. It was a forward..a lot of times I don't look at those, depending on what the subject line was, but this one was simply titled "Grateful". She subscribes to this email newsletter called The Daily Om, which is this sort of new age, semi-Eastern Thought newsletter. She occasionally forwards these to me and sometimes I read them. I decided to read this one. And they had one giant quote at the beginning of the email when I opened it: "There is always something to be grateful for even when life is hard and times are tough." I just happened to be on a break at work on a bad night when I read this and I told myself to sit back and think about those words for a second and continued reading. Here's what the rest said:
"When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another.
When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness."
I can do without the words "blessings" and "the universe wants to shower us with.." but the essence of the article really resonated with me. My coworker, who's dad just passed away last weekend from cancer, had given me a piece of cake that he saved for me from his lunch right before I went on that break that I was taking. Reading this made me think of just that simple act. That someone thought about me earlier in the day and saved that for me. The funny thing is, I was given two more pieces of cake later in the shift by other people at the hospital :p All different cake too, lol. This made me start thinking about all of the people who had asked how my dad was doing and how I was doing. It's not that I don't appreciate that normally, but when you're under high volumes of stress, it's easy to overlook the fact that you're cared for. It's easy to not see the things that you can be grateful for in your life. Our brains become so easily trained to go straight to the negative and the overwhelming.
Perfect example...I was overwhelmed all week thinking that I have so many emails in my inbox that I have to respond to. Sitting back for a second, I can shift that thought to being grateful that I have such wonderful friends who I get to talk to. And I know that not a single one of those people in my inbox are going anywhere, nor are they going to judge me for not emailing them back immediately (they're used to that :p) This is me judging myself...choosing to focus on the negative. Making something that I'm so very very thankful for, more than I can ever put into words, into something that I stress over.
I've been pissed off that I haven't been able to read lately. I was talking to Daphne and her partner, Keith about this yesterday. That's a HUGE thing that I was grateful for. I've known Daphne for probably about 5 or 6 years now maybe even longer? We've both disappeared from the blogging world lately, but she's always been one of my very favorite people. We're very like minded and I knew that from the second I found her blog. It's one of the things I really miss about "the old days" of book blogging. It used to be so much more personal. At least it felt that way. And I made so many awesome connections with people I never would've met were it not for blogging. I'm grateful that I've still kept most of those friendships :) But anyway, I got to meet Daphne yesterday!!!! Her and Keith came to New Orleans for a getaway and we went and had brunch together in the Marigny, my favorite part of town. I could have sat and talked with her for hours. It sounded like we've both been in book funks lately. I literally have not finished a printed book since July. We talked about go to authors or books for getting out of a funk and I now have some possibilities but what's been keeping my reading mojo alive for now is audiobooks! I don't know what I'd do without them! So yes, I'm SO very thankful for audiobooks right now!!
Finally, education, science, research and support. I've been doing a lot of research on cancer in the last week which is a really bad idea at times and there are things I've seen which I wish I could unsee but for the most part, I am so very thankful for the amazing wealth of information that is out there. One website in particular, luncancer.org is a fantastic resource. It's just good to know that you're not alone in this, that others have been through it, have gotten through it regardless of the outcome, and that research keeps moving forward. I'm so grateful for researchers and scientists and drug developers out there who continue to advance us in fighting this and other issues. Sadly, drug developers get tied to big pharma way too often and that's really a shame. I was thinking about this with my migraine medication the other day. I'm so thankful that these medications were invented to treat my migraines...but it's disgusting that the pharmaceutical companies charge such ridiculous prices for these drugs and that they insurance companies are in bed with them dictating which companies drugs they'll allow you to have. It's even worse when it comes to a disease like cancer. Thank god my dad has insurance...medicare at least. Here's a drug that could potentially save your life, too bad you can't afford it. That's the reality for way too many people in this world. BUT going back to being grateful...I'm glad that we're slowly moving in the direction of having health coverage for more and more americans.
That grateful thing is difficult sometimes. But I'm going to keep trying. And I'm going to try to keep the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. I don't have room for that one right now.
Cancer has a tendency to be personified, and that's what I'm trying to drill into my head right now. This DISEASE does not have emotions or malicious intent. It's not sitting in a corner, rubbing it's hands together and laughing at the destruction it's causing. Though it feels that way. It's the genetic mutation of cells that are causing my dad's organ tissues to not function properly. But damn is it hard to watch. It's fucking ugly. My mom was diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer a couple of years ago, which is now considered precancerous. That nearly wrecked me. And she showed no signs or symptoms of cancer aside from having to have a lumpectomy to remove the cells and has been fine since. This is totally different and it breaks my heart so bad for anyone who has EVER had to watch someone suffer with cancer. It's something I think you can't understand until you really experience it. I've given my "I'm so so sorry's" to friends over the years when their relatives were diagnosed with cancer, but I never understood how awful this disease really was until you start to see what it does. My dad gets his biopsy results on Wednesday. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. I want to have hope. I do have hope. It's also scary to see how quickly he's being affected by this. Like, in a matter of a week. I know medicine cannot work miracles. Here's hoping for the best though.
In the midst of all this, my mom sent me an email on Friday. It was a forward..a lot of times I don't look at those, depending on what the subject line was, but this one was simply titled "Grateful". She subscribes to this email newsletter called The Daily Om, which is this sort of new age, semi-Eastern Thought newsletter. She occasionally forwards these to me and sometimes I read them. I decided to read this one. And they had one giant quote at the beginning of the email when I opened it: "There is always something to be grateful for even when life is hard and times are tough." I just happened to be on a break at work on a bad night when I read this and I told myself to sit back and think about those words for a second and continued reading. Here's what the rest said:
"When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another.
When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness."
I can do without the words "blessings" and "the universe wants to shower us with.." but the essence of the article really resonated with me. My coworker, who's dad just passed away last weekend from cancer, had given me a piece of cake that he saved for me from his lunch right before I went on that break that I was taking. Reading this made me think of just that simple act. That someone thought about me earlier in the day and saved that for me. The funny thing is, I was given two more pieces of cake later in the shift by other people at the hospital :p All different cake too, lol. This made me start thinking about all of the people who had asked how my dad was doing and how I was doing. It's not that I don't appreciate that normally, but when you're under high volumes of stress, it's easy to overlook the fact that you're cared for. It's easy to not see the things that you can be grateful for in your life. Our brains become so easily trained to go straight to the negative and the overwhelming.
Perfect example...I was overwhelmed all week thinking that I have so many emails in my inbox that I have to respond to. Sitting back for a second, I can shift that thought to being grateful that I have such wonderful friends who I get to talk to. And I know that not a single one of those people in my inbox are going anywhere, nor are they going to judge me for not emailing them back immediately (they're used to that :p) This is me judging myself...choosing to focus on the negative. Making something that I'm so very very thankful for, more than I can ever put into words, into something that I stress over.
I've been pissed off that I haven't been able to read lately. I was talking to Daphne and her partner, Keith about this yesterday. That's a HUGE thing that I was grateful for. I've known Daphne for probably about 5 or 6 years now maybe even longer? We've both disappeared from the blogging world lately, but she's always been one of my very favorite people. We're very like minded and I knew that from the second I found her blog. It's one of the things I really miss about "the old days" of book blogging. It used to be so much more personal. At least it felt that way. And I made so many awesome connections with people I never would've met were it not for blogging. I'm grateful that I've still kept most of those friendships :) But anyway, I got to meet Daphne yesterday!!!! Her and Keith came to New Orleans for a getaway and we went and had brunch together in the Marigny, my favorite part of town. I could have sat and talked with her for hours. It sounded like we've both been in book funks lately. I literally have not finished a printed book since July. We talked about go to authors or books for getting out of a funk and I now have some possibilities but what's been keeping my reading mojo alive for now is audiobooks! I don't know what I'd do without them! So yes, I'm SO very thankful for audiobooks right now!!
Finally, education, science, research and support. I've been doing a lot of research on cancer in the last week which is a really bad idea at times and there are things I've seen which I wish I could unsee but for the most part, I am so very thankful for the amazing wealth of information that is out there. One website in particular, luncancer.org is a fantastic resource. It's just good to know that you're not alone in this, that others have been through it, have gotten through it regardless of the outcome, and that research keeps moving forward. I'm so grateful for researchers and scientists and drug developers out there who continue to advance us in fighting this and other issues. Sadly, drug developers get tied to big pharma way too often and that's really a shame. I was thinking about this with my migraine medication the other day. I'm so thankful that these medications were invented to treat my migraines...but it's disgusting that the pharmaceutical companies charge such ridiculous prices for these drugs and that they insurance companies are in bed with them dictating which companies drugs they'll allow you to have. It's even worse when it comes to a disease like cancer. Thank god my dad has insurance...medicare at least. Here's a drug that could potentially save your life, too bad you can't afford it. That's the reality for way too many people in this world. BUT going back to being grateful...I'm glad that we're slowly moving in the direction of having health coverage for more and more americans.
That grateful thing is difficult sometimes. But I'm going to keep trying. And I'm going to try to keep the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. I don't have room for that one right now.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Happy Stuff of the Day!
Another Sunday has come and gone and with it a bunch of little happy things. I liked Debi's idea in the comments of doing "happy posts" again, so I'll try to do them every now and then...trying to be more aware of the good things that the day has brought. I can't promise they'll become terribly frequent posts. It's not that there's not good stuff in every day, it's that there's not always the time to write up a post. What I CAN do though is try to be more aware of the things that bring me joy, even if for only a short moment, each day. So today...
It was the start of regular season for the Saints!! Though, yes...we played horribly and lost :( But I still love football season and love game days. We normally all get together at my mom's house and grill for the game and that's exactly what we did today. The weather was just gorgeous too. It was just me, my mom and my little brother for the first half and my dad came over for the second half. It was good to get him out of his house for a little while. He wasn't feeling great though, so he went home a little before the game ended.
After the game, me and my brother went to my dad's and finally moved a bunch of old furniture out of the house and onto the curb so that he can get a new bed. He needs one desperately. My dad has slept on a recliner for 3 years now for reasons I won't even try to explain. Not much makes sense with my dad. But he's finally agreed to get a bed with chemo likely coming up very soon. So we cleaned out my grandma's old room, which will become his now. It was tough work, but I'm glad it's done so that he'll have a peaceful place.
Speaking of my brother, I just love this picture of him and his girlfriend so much :) They're so cute together and so perfect together. They've been together over a year now and she's such a sweetheart. She's great for him too. She's been a fantastic motivator for him when it comes to school and really just life in general.
Lizards! It's no secret that I think lizards are just adorable if you take a look at my instagram feed :p New Orleans is FULL of little anole lizards, but I don't think this is an anole lizard. It's a little bit bigger and has spots on it. I've never seen one that looks like this down here...Wondering what it is!
Pumpkin Spice Lattes! It's finally that time of the year!!! PSLs are a very happy drink for me. They're not only absolutely amazing and just fill you with warmth, but they're also a seasonal drink that remind me that the worst of summer is surely over. And looking at the 10 day forecast today, there's not a single day of temperatures above the 80s! Hooray!
Tonight's sunset was absolutely gorgeous. I wish a camera could do it justice, but it just can't. It's the kind of sunset that makes you wish you were a painter. At least it makes me wish *I* were a painter :p Because I'm definitely not. But the sky looked like a piece of art tonight.
Talked to a friend tonight that I hadn't talked to in awhile for about 45 minutes and while talking to her I got my laundry done, got my floors swept, got my patio swept and got Megan's package packed up and ready to mail tomorrow. Oh and I got my overnight bag mostly packed to bring to work with me tomorrow to sleep at my mom's for my dad's biopsy Tuesday morning.
All in all, a good day :)
It was the start of regular season for the Saints!! Though, yes...we played horribly and lost :( But I still love football season and love game days. We normally all get together at my mom's house and grill for the game and that's exactly what we did today. The weather was just gorgeous too. It was just me, my mom and my little brother for the first half and my dad came over for the second half. It was good to get him out of his house for a little while. He wasn't feeling great though, so he went home a little before the game ended.
After the game, me and my brother went to my dad's and finally moved a bunch of old furniture out of the house and onto the curb so that he can get a new bed. He needs one desperately. My dad has slept on a recliner for 3 years now for reasons I won't even try to explain. Not much makes sense with my dad. But he's finally agreed to get a bed with chemo likely coming up very soon. So we cleaned out my grandma's old room, which will become his now. It was tough work, but I'm glad it's done so that he'll have a peaceful place.
Speaking of my brother, I just love this picture of him and his girlfriend so much :) They're so cute together and so perfect together. They've been together over a year now and she's such a sweetheart. She's great for him too. She's been a fantastic motivator for him when it comes to school and really just life in general.
Lizards! It's no secret that I think lizards are just adorable if you take a look at my instagram feed :p New Orleans is FULL of little anole lizards, but I don't think this is an anole lizard. It's a little bit bigger and has spots on it. I've never seen one that looks like this down here...Wondering what it is!
Pumpkin Spice Lattes! It's finally that time of the year!!! PSLs are a very happy drink for me. They're not only absolutely amazing and just fill you with warmth, but they're also a seasonal drink that remind me that the worst of summer is surely over. And looking at the 10 day forecast today, there's not a single day of temperatures above the 80s! Hooray!
Tonight's sunset was absolutely gorgeous. I wish a camera could do it justice, but it just can't. It's the kind of sunset that makes you wish you were a painter. At least it makes me wish *I* were a painter :p Because I'm definitely not. But the sky looked like a piece of art tonight.
Talked to a friend tonight that I hadn't talked to in awhile for about 45 minutes and while talking to her I got my laundry done, got my floors swept, got my patio swept and got Megan's package packed up and ready to mail tomorrow. Oh and I got my overnight bag mostly packed to bring to work with me tomorrow to sleep at my mom's for my dad's biopsy Tuesday morning.
All in all, a good day :)
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Let's Plan The Week 9/13-9/19
Sunday 9/13
Saints game at mom's for 3pm with Austin and maybe Dad if he's feeling up to it.Move stuff out of dad's house with AustinDinner at mom'sPick up dry cleaning- Pick up prescription
- Catch up on blog reading and email
Install ink cartridges in printerPut package together for Meganand print shipping label
Monday 9/14
- Mail package to Megan
Pack bag to bring to mom's house with clothes for Tuesday, iPad, razor, meds, book- WASH CAR INSIDE AND OUT!!
- Clients at 6 and 7
Tuesday 9/15
- Get chest X-ray that doctor ordered while at ochsner for dad's biopsy
- Call caremark to get explanation of benefits for botox claim
- Dad's biopsy
Wednesday 9/16
- Maybe get oil changed?
- Meeting at work
- Work 3-11
Thursday 9/17
- Call doctors office and tell her I got chest X-ray
- Look into getting LLC for private practice
- Client at 2
- Work 3-11
Friday 9/18
- Deposit checks from clients
- Oil change if you didn't do it Wednesday
- Work 3-11
Saturday 9/19
- Work 3-11
Life in Bullet Points
- COLD FRONT!!!!!!! Right now it is 68 degrees with 65% humidity :D And tomorrow the high is 82!! With the lows in the low 50s with sunny skies, breezy and low humidity! AND it's the first Saints game of the season that isn't preseason. FALL YOU GUYS!!!!! Can you tell I get a little bit giddy when I get the first taste of fall? It's amazing what a little bit of relief from the heat can do for me...that's all I ask...for it not to feel like the devil's asshole all of the time. I was slammed at work today and I kept a smile on my face all day, partly because of the weather. The best part of it all? The 10 day forecast currently doesn't have ANY 90 degree temps anywhere in site. Which gives me hope that the worst of it is officially over! Made it through another summer :p
- Megan sent me this picture today and I laughed my ass off. I also wish that I could be that skinny again :p Ah, the goth days, how I miss thee. Yes, that's a fishnet shirt with a black velour shirt over it and yes I have eyeliner on.
- I discovered this live version of Joanna Newsom performing Peach, Plum, Pear from 2006 this week and I've probably watched/listened to it 20 times. It's one of the best live performances I think I've ever seen! I swear I love her so much. That harp solo at the end is just so amazing and so beautiful. And to think that I once said that I couldn't stand her :/ I cannot WAIT for her new album in October!! And I'm so hoping that she comes back here again...seeing her during her last tour was one of the best shows I've ever been to. So jealous of Ana who's getting to see her during the first leg of the tour :p
- Dad's biopsy is Tuesday. So many mixed up emotions with that. Part of me is so anxious for it to be over with and wishes that it would've been done a month ago and I hate that treatment has been put off this long and that we still don't know what we're dealing with. The other part of me is terrified of what they will find and what the result will be and the reality that I'll have to face once the biopsy is done. I just have to not get ahead of myself right now.
- Oddly enough, I find myself somewhat enjoying work lately....a statement I NEVER thought I would hear come out of my mouth. At least not while I'm at my current place of work. Nothing has changed there except for me. And I feel like I could write a book, really, on what has changed. The essential change that it boils down to though is that I've allowed myself to connect again with the patients I work with and I've made an effort to disconnect with the drama of the workplace. Or maybe it's that I stopped making the effort to connect with the drama. I don't know which it is really. Since my dad's diagnosis I've had a realization that life is too short to focus on bullshit. I think the medication change that my psychiatrist did has helped a lot too. But it's been nice to find passion in my work again. I don't want to pretend that I don't have my frustrating times still. And I still want to get out of there and eventually get to just private practice...that's my true passion. But at least things have been more tolerable.
- Having said that, I need to get back to doing more things for myself. I was thinking about that last night. I rarely get to read anymore. I don't do simple, little things like play games on my iPhone that I used to enjoy. I haven't gotten to garden much recently. I haven't been walking in a long time. I haven't taken a good, long, hot bath with a book in over a month. I haven't had a massage in a long time. I could go on. Lately, I work, I come home, and I lay on my sofa and catch up on my DVR. Which is fine...I enjoy all of the shows I've been watching. But I miss all of those other things. TV is not a life. I need to get back to life again.
- I have been listening to an audiobook that I'm SO in love with! The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat by Oliver Sacks. I wanted to finally read something of his when I heard he passed away, which was so sad :( I had read a few of his essays over the years, but I still haven't read any of his books despite owning most of them. He's one of those authors that I just knew I'd love even though I'd never read him, so I've collected most of his books :p Sure enough, I'm loving this book. I've always been fascinated by the brain. My favorite classes in college were my neuropsych classes. One of my best friends at work is a doctor who is a psychiatrist who specializes in neuropsychiatry. I LOVE hearing her talk about some of her patients and the way the brain works. Anyway, this book has been truly fascinating so far and I can't wait to keep reading more of his work.
- Time to make a to do list for the week and hope I'm more successful than I was this week!
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Thank Goodness For Sundays
I love Sundays. Which is funny because as a child, Sundays were days that I absolutely dreaded and I didn't think that would ever change. Sunday represented being forced to go to church which I always hated so much. To make matters worse, I was forced to be an altar boy as a child AND join choir. If that wasn't bad enough, the nun who was in charge of choir decided she really liked my voice and would make me sing solos. I've always been an extremely introverted person, so this was not a good thing. I did love that Irish nun though...Sister Ann. I'll never forget her and still think about her from time to time. I was sad when her convent reassigned her back to Ireland. She wrote to me from time to time but we lost touch in high school. In addition to church on Sundays, there was also the reminder that the next day was school. It wasn't even so much that I disliked school itself, but I was bullied a lot in elementary school for my weight and the fact that I was a "fag" even though I was nowhere near ready to come out. I was in denial myself those days.
I've often said that if I ever went back to school to get a PhD, I think I'd do my dissertation on sexuality in childhood. It's a touchy subject, but something that I think needs to be addressed more. I think things are much much better now than they were when I was a child, but there's still a great deal of work that needs to be done. I wonder what it would be like to be born now into a world where gay marriage is legal. That's pretty awesome. And it's amazing when we look at how far things have come from 34 years ago when I was brought into the world.
The bullying that happened to me when I was a kid definitely changed me as a person and that's why I'd like to do research on that. When I look at home videos of myself as a child, it's obvious that I'm gay. I don't mean to stereotype here, but it's obvious. I had limp wrist syndrome :p I walked with my hips moving from side to side, my voice had more of a lisp to it. Things that are unrecognizable to me now. I consciously changed those things and worked on them for years until they were gone because of the bullying. I changed the essence of who I was as a person because of the cruelty that others put on me. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't bullied. Would I be more extroverted? Would I not have such horrible social anxiety? Would I not be so conscious about my weight or the way I look? Would I have come out sooner and therefore been happier sooner? Would I find it easier to date? The answer to all of those questions is surely "yes". I hope so badly that the somewhat normalization of the lgbt experience in today's society leads to kids these days knowing that they're ok as they are and that they don't need to lose themselves at such a young age.
Wow...I did NOT plan on this post being about all that :p My original point is that Sundays are now my favorite day of that week :p It's the one day where I have no obligations for the most part aside from doing whatever *I* want to do. And it's the start of my weekend. So today has been a good day. Yesterday was awful. I didn't wake up until an hour before work and barely made it to work on time, so most of what I had planned to do yesterday went out the window. I did pay a few bills though, I worked, and I talked to Austin who said he couldn't come down to help move furniture out of my dad's house, so that left today free for me to get stuff done! I called CVS to see what meds they had for me to pick up and I told them they can keep one of them. I HATE my insurance company. My doctor had prescribed me a different triptan for my migraines called Treximet. If you have migraines, triptans are pretty much the only medication that will get rid of them. I take Maxalt most of the time and since a generic has come out, it only costs me $5 now for 9 pills. But I've been on it so long that it's becoming less and less effective. So she wanted to give me a second one. The Treximet would've cost me $119 for NINE PILLS!! Screw that. I know the medication is expensive, but seriously?
I did finally get a hair cut today and let me tell you I feel like a new person!!! I HATE when my hair gets to a certain point. It drives me nuts. I found a place here on the north shore called Sports Clips and it will definitely be my go to place for now on for hair cuts! They specialize in men's haircuts and the stylists stay up to date on the "latest cuts" for men. Their big thing is that they have tvs you can watch with sports games on while you're getting your hair cut. She did a great job and since it was my first time there, she gave me a free shampoo and shoulder massage which was awesome. They sit you in a massage chair while they're washing your hair and wrap your face in a hot towel and then use this massager to massage your back, neck and shoulders. Highly recommended!
Then I came home and got laundry done which was so badly needed. I had no clean towels and two loads of clothes that needed to be done. AND I finally changed my sheets too. It feels so good to go to bed in freshly washed sheets :) I didn't get to clean the patio today like I wanted to because it's rained all day :/ BUT I do love the rain, so I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon reading and listening to the thunder after I do a bit of blog reading :) Oh, also I found this Indian scarf/cloth/I'm not really sure what? that I got from I don't know where? and decided to use it as a table cloth for my table that I got from my sister and finally put out my placemats too! It's so nice to finally have a dining room table after being in my apartment for 3 years :p
Finally, I got to work on my reading room some more!!! It's still a work in progress, but I'm happy with how it's coming along and it's very cozy :) Here are some pics! This is what you see when you first walk in:
On side of the sofa are the "floating bookshelves" currently holding a few RIP reads with one of my favorite prints, the Holstee Manifesto, above it:
Here's a close up of the Holstee print...I love everything that they do too. Here's a link to their website, but be forewarned, you may want everything they have :p
I've often said that if I ever went back to school to get a PhD, I think I'd do my dissertation on sexuality in childhood. It's a touchy subject, but something that I think needs to be addressed more. I think things are much much better now than they were when I was a child, but there's still a great deal of work that needs to be done. I wonder what it would be like to be born now into a world where gay marriage is legal. That's pretty awesome. And it's amazing when we look at how far things have come from 34 years ago when I was brought into the world.
The bullying that happened to me when I was a kid definitely changed me as a person and that's why I'd like to do research on that. When I look at home videos of myself as a child, it's obvious that I'm gay. I don't mean to stereotype here, but it's obvious. I had limp wrist syndrome :p I walked with my hips moving from side to side, my voice had more of a lisp to it. Things that are unrecognizable to me now. I consciously changed those things and worked on them for years until they were gone because of the bullying. I changed the essence of who I was as a person because of the cruelty that others put on me. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't bullied. Would I be more extroverted? Would I not have such horrible social anxiety? Would I not be so conscious about my weight or the way I look? Would I have come out sooner and therefore been happier sooner? Would I find it easier to date? The answer to all of those questions is surely "yes". I hope so badly that the somewhat normalization of the lgbt experience in today's society leads to kids these days knowing that they're ok as they are and that they don't need to lose themselves at such a young age.
Wow...I did NOT plan on this post being about all that :p My original point is that Sundays are now my favorite day of that week :p It's the one day where I have no obligations for the most part aside from doing whatever *I* want to do. And it's the start of my weekend. So today has been a good day. Yesterday was awful. I didn't wake up until an hour before work and barely made it to work on time, so most of what I had planned to do yesterday went out the window. I did pay a few bills though, I worked, and I talked to Austin who said he couldn't come down to help move furniture out of my dad's house, so that left today free for me to get stuff done! I called CVS to see what meds they had for me to pick up and I told them they can keep one of them. I HATE my insurance company. My doctor had prescribed me a different triptan for my migraines called Treximet. If you have migraines, triptans are pretty much the only medication that will get rid of them. I take Maxalt most of the time and since a generic has come out, it only costs me $5 now for 9 pills. But I've been on it so long that it's becoming less and less effective. So she wanted to give me a second one. The Treximet would've cost me $119 for NINE PILLS!! Screw that. I know the medication is expensive, but seriously?
I did finally get a hair cut today and let me tell you I feel like a new person!!! I HATE when my hair gets to a certain point. It drives me nuts. I found a place here on the north shore called Sports Clips and it will definitely be my go to place for now on for hair cuts! They specialize in men's haircuts and the stylists stay up to date on the "latest cuts" for men. Their big thing is that they have tvs you can watch with sports games on while you're getting your hair cut. She did a great job and since it was my first time there, she gave me a free shampoo and shoulder massage which was awesome. They sit you in a massage chair while they're washing your hair and wrap your face in a hot towel and then use this massager to massage your back, neck and shoulders. Highly recommended!
Then I came home and got laundry done which was so badly needed. I had no clean towels and two loads of clothes that needed to be done. AND I finally changed my sheets too. It feels so good to go to bed in freshly washed sheets :) I didn't get to clean the patio today like I wanted to because it's rained all day :/ BUT I do love the rain, so I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon reading and listening to the thunder after I do a bit of blog reading :) Oh, also I found this Indian scarf/cloth/I'm not really sure what? that I got from I don't know where? and decided to use it as a table cloth for my table that I got from my sister and finally put out my placemats too! It's so nice to finally have a dining room table after being in my apartment for 3 years :p
I have this really awesome book of James Jean prints called Kindling that I've been using to decorate that's an AMAZING deal. He's one of my favorite artists and if you're a fan of art, this is a must have book at an incredible price. It's a collection of 12 removable prints that are nice quality and nice size for about $20. Here's a closer look at the prints above the sofa:
Here's a close up of the Holstee print...I love everything that they do too. Here's a link to their website, but be forewarned, you may want everything they have :p
And finally, here's what it looks like across from the sofa...this area is a work in progress. There's a lot of crap over there still. This room was pretty much a storage room before it became the reading room, so I need to work on cleaning this up some more. The goal is for that wall to eventually be a full gallery wall:
Right now it's just two James Jean prints, a Neil Gaiman print illustrated by David Mack, and a collage that Megan did for me probably 10 years ago that I really love! Here's close ups of the art work so far:
And that's my Sunday in a nutshell so far! It's nice to be able to cross some stuff off of the list. Wish I could've crossed more off the list but oh well...it is what it is. Here's hoping for a good week with nothing but great news :)
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Let's Plan The Week 9/5 - 9/11
I love to do lists. I always have. I just love lists in general really. There's a really awesome sense of accomplishment when you can scratch that thing off of the list and not just see that it's actually done but you get the joy of seeing the list get shorter too :) I also have pretty bad anxiety and I get overwhelmed keeping everything in my head that I need to do. So making lists makes me feel so much better because once it's out of my head and onto paper and I know I have somewhat of a plan, I don't have to think about it 24/7 anymore. Seriously, there are nights where I will spend god knows how long tossing and turning because I can't shut my mind down from thinking about everything I need to do. So I thought I'd start planning my weeks out here with all of the things that I need to get done. This way I can also delegate different tasks to different days to make things more realistic. And then I can come back and edit this post as needed and start a new one each week :)
Saturday 9/5
Get hair cut if I wake up early enough. Seriously I have GOT to get this done. My hair is driving me nuts and long hair might have looked good when I was 16 but when you have a receding hairline, it just doesn't look good anymore.- Mail check to doctors office
Pay bills- Pick up prescription at CVS
- Call back two new potential clients that left voice mails to schedule sessions
Text Austin to see if he's coming to dad's tomorrowWork 3-11
Sunday 9/6
- If Austin comes in town, move furniture out of dad's house
- Clean bathrooms (at least tubs)
Laundry- Clean up patio (throw away old plants)
Put algae cleaner in Baxter's tank- Go to whole foods for a few groceries
- Make lunches for the week
- Catch up on emails/blog reading hopefully!
Monday 9/7
- BBQ at mom's with michelle, peyton and dad
- Bring dry cleaning to moms
- Bring books to moms
- Bring gates to moms to go in attic
- Client at 7p
- Possibly 2 other clients depending on phone calls?
- Catch up on emails/blog reading hopefully part 2!
Tuesday 9/8
- Clients at 1p and 2p
- Work from 3-11
- Tell martha I need off on 9/15
Wednesday 9/9
- Wash car and clean inside
- Deposit checks from clients
- Work from 3-11
Thursday 9/10
- Possible clients at 1p and/or 2p
- Work from 3-11
Friday 9/11
- Get oil changed
- Work from 3-11
Thinkin' Thinkin' Thoughts
What a week it has a been. What a year it has been really. I'm glad I started this blog again....I've found myself lately with so many thoughts running through my mind and it's nice to have a place to put them down again. In fact, when I finish this post, I think I'll write another post to make a weekly to do list. I tell my clients all the time in private practice to write write write...whether it's in a journal, on the computer or even in their phone, just write. The reason I like writing as a therapeutic tool so much is that it gets everything out of your head. Your mentally giving yourself permission to not have to think about something constantly anymore. Especially when it comes to "to do lists". I know I can stress for days and weeks over a laundry list of things that I have to get done. The great thing about making to do lists is that once you put it on paper, you can stop constantly reminding yourself in your head of everything that you have to get done because you have a place to go back and see it. Writing also lets you sort out things in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. There's connections made in that process from the brain to the hand to the paper. I often tell my clients that they can have their own sort of therapy session in doing that in between meetings with me. I just need to remember to take my own advice. Write.
So my dad went in to have his biopsy yesterday but couldn't have it done. He fell last weekend and is pretty much black and blue from head to toe on his left side. For the biopsy, he needed to be awake and fully conscious for the beginning of it. He got there at 9AM and they didn't take him until 2 to start the procedure. They gave him nothing for pain or anxiety and told him to lay on his stomach on a metal table. He couldn't do it because of the pain he was in, but ended up trying to anyway. His ribcage is held together with wires and screws from when he had open heart surgery and the cancer has caused him to lose pretty much all of his muscle and fat so when he laid on his stomach he said he felt all of the metal in his chest pressing against his insides. They need him to be awake up to a certain point because apparently they need him to breathe in and out and hold his breath and move his arm while they're cutting into him? Sounds like torture :/ Once they get to a certain point of the procedure they can do twilight anesthesia. After trying this though, they determined they're just going to have to reschedule and put him under general anesthesia. So now his biopsy has been rescheduled for September 15th.
While he was at the hospital yesterday having all of this done, I was having one of the worst days at work that I've ever had. I don't even feel like recounting it right now, so I won't. But at one point in the night, I literally walked out...which I've never done. I went and sat in my car for 15 minutes with the A/C on full blast because they won't fix the A/C in our office and then came back in finally and went back to work. I needed a forced break. And I snapped at a coworker which I don't ever do either. But I ended up personally doing 8 admissions by myself in an 8 hour shift and when I left at 11, there were still three patients waiting in the lobby, the first who had been waiting for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I literally did not have a single minute to call my dad and see how he did. My dad has fucking lung cancer and was getting a biopsy done and because of my job, I couldn't call him and see how he made out. On most nights, I can take a break at some point. But last night there literally wasn't a second for me to take a break. I had 2 or 3 patients I was working with at any given time. And I would say it's just the nature of the job, but it's not. This was all created by other people not doing their jobs and dumping on my shift and creating emergencies where there shouldn't have been any.
I've been doing a lot better lately at not letting my job get to me. I think the new meds have helped with that a lot. But there are some days where you just can't keep your head in the sand. So when my dad has his biopsy again, fuck work. I'm not going in. I shouldn't have gone in yesterday, but I know we're short staffed. But I'm sick of sacrificing my happiness or at least my mental health for that place when it does absolutely nothing for me. Or I should say, when it actually makes my own mental health WORSE. I'll be letting my boss know on Tuesday that she needs to have my shift covered for my dad's biopsy.
There ARE good things that have surprisingly come from my dad's cancer diagnosis. Mainly, the goodness of people. I still don't even know exactly what stage of cancer my dad has, if it's spread, if it's treatable, etc and already, I've been overwhelmed with the kindness of people. It's something that I didn't expect at all and it's really had a big effect on me. It's amazing how something so ugly and upsetting like cancer can shift your outlook on life and it's sad at the same time. It's sort of like two years ago when I had the incident at the hospital when the patient pulled out a gun and pointed at himself and me. In it's own fucked up way, that ended up being a really positive experience for me...it was a very self reflective time in my life. This is becoming the same.
I'm learning that life is fragile. Something that I was aware of before, but is taking on a new truth and a new meaning. It's truly fragile and can be snatched away so quickly. So many things that we think are important may be important, but aren't the REAL important things. It's not a good idea to start throwing those other things aside, but I think it's time to start focusing on the bigger picture more. The proverbial "one day" has a finite expiration date. I may not know what mine is, but I'm becoming more aware that it's going to come one day. I get this one life...things that can destroy that life don't need to be in it. Things that can fill that life with joy and happiness and new and interesting experiences...those things need to be in it. Things that make my heart smile need to play a central role in my life. It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of shit...where you're stuck in a negative situation which leads to negative self talk or negative talk to the others around you which leads to negative behaviors which leads to negative effects on your body which leads to your life being cut shorter because of the deleterious effects on your body. I feel like THAT is the direction that society is heading towards and it's sad. But to the extent that I can, I need to control what I can. Replace all of those negatives with positives.
Ok...I'm rambled out for now though I feel like I could write for another hour :p But I'll stop for tonight. And go make a to do list for the week. Which I think I'm going to start doing as a weekly thing to help out.
So my dad went in to have his biopsy yesterday but couldn't have it done. He fell last weekend and is pretty much black and blue from head to toe on his left side. For the biopsy, he needed to be awake and fully conscious for the beginning of it. He got there at 9AM and they didn't take him until 2 to start the procedure. They gave him nothing for pain or anxiety and told him to lay on his stomach on a metal table. He couldn't do it because of the pain he was in, but ended up trying to anyway. His ribcage is held together with wires and screws from when he had open heart surgery and the cancer has caused him to lose pretty much all of his muscle and fat so when he laid on his stomach he said he felt all of the metal in his chest pressing against his insides. They need him to be awake up to a certain point because apparently they need him to breathe in and out and hold his breath and move his arm while they're cutting into him? Sounds like torture :/ Once they get to a certain point of the procedure they can do twilight anesthesia. After trying this though, they determined they're just going to have to reschedule and put him under general anesthesia. So now his biopsy has been rescheduled for September 15th.
While he was at the hospital yesterday having all of this done, I was having one of the worst days at work that I've ever had. I don't even feel like recounting it right now, so I won't. But at one point in the night, I literally walked out...which I've never done. I went and sat in my car for 15 minutes with the A/C on full blast because they won't fix the A/C in our office and then came back in finally and went back to work. I needed a forced break. And I snapped at a coworker which I don't ever do either. But I ended up personally doing 8 admissions by myself in an 8 hour shift and when I left at 11, there were still three patients waiting in the lobby, the first who had been waiting for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I literally did not have a single minute to call my dad and see how he did. My dad has fucking lung cancer and was getting a biopsy done and because of my job, I couldn't call him and see how he made out. On most nights, I can take a break at some point. But last night there literally wasn't a second for me to take a break. I had 2 or 3 patients I was working with at any given time. And I would say it's just the nature of the job, but it's not. This was all created by other people not doing their jobs and dumping on my shift and creating emergencies where there shouldn't have been any.
I've been doing a lot better lately at not letting my job get to me. I think the new meds have helped with that a lot. But there are some days where you just can't keep your head in the sand. So when my dad has his biopsy again, fuck work. I'm not going in. I shouldn't have gone in yesterday, but I know we're short staffed. But I'm sick of sacrificing my happiness or at least my mental health for that place when it does absolutely nothing for me. Or I should say, when it actually makes my own mental health WORSE. I'll be letting my boss know on Tuesday that she needs to have my shift covered for my dad's biopsy.
There ARE good things that have surprisingly come from my dad's cancer diagnosis. Mainly, the goodness of people. I still don't even know exactly what stage of cancer my dad has, if it's spread, if it's treatable, etc and already, I've been overwhelmed with the kindness of people. It's something that I didn't expect at all and it's really had a big effect on me. It's amazing how something so ugly and upsetting like cancer can shift your outlook on life and it's sad at the same time. It's sort of like two years ago when I had the incident at the hospital when the patient pulled out a gun and pointed at himself and me. In it's own fucked up way, that ended up being a really positive experience for me...it was a very self reflective time in my life. This is becoming the same.
I'm learning that life is fragile. Something that I was aware of before, but is taking on a new truth and a new meaning. It's truly fragile and can be snatched away so quickly. So many things that we think are important may be important, but aren't the REAL important things. It's not a good idea to start throwing those other things aside, but I think it's time to start focusing on the bigger picture more. The proverbial "one day" has a finite expiration date. I may not know what mine is, but I'm becoming more aware that it's going to come one day. I get this one life...things that can destroy that life don't need to be in it. Things that can fill that life with joy and happiness and new and interesting experiences...those things need to be in it. Things that make my heart smile need to play a central role in my life. It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of shit...where you're stuck in a negative situation which leads to negative self talk or negative talk to the others around you which leads to negative behaviors which leads to negative effects on your body which leads to your life being cut shorter because of the deleterious effects on your body. I feel like THAT is the direction that society is heading towards and it's sad. But to the extent that I can, I need to control what I can. Replace all of those negatives with positives.
Ok...I'm rambled out for now though I feel like I could write for another hour :p But I'll stop for tonight. And go make a to do list for the week. Which I think I'm going to start doing as a weekly thing to help out.
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