Things That I'm Grateful For

I've been drafting this entry in my head all week...only it hasn't been called "Things That I'm Grateful For"...it's been called "Things I Hate" and it was going to start with cancer, cancer, cancer. Followed by a myriad of other things that have upset me this week.  Focusing on the things that upset me isn't going to work right now though. At least, to the extent that I can avoid it. There are some things that no matter how much I'd love to avoid them, they're right there in front of you 24/7 like a big fat fucking elephant.

Cancer has a tendency to be personified, and that's what I'm trying to drill into my head right now. This DISEASE does not have emotions or malicious intent. It's not sitting in a corner, rubbing it's hands together and laughing at the destruction it's causing. Though it feels that way. It's the genetic mutation of cells that are causing my dad's organ tissues to not function properly. But damn is it hard to watch. It's fucking ugly. My mom was diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer a couple of years ago, which is now considered precancerous. That nearly wrecked me. And she showed no signs or symptoms of cancer aside from having to have a lumpectomy to remove the cells and has been fine since. This is totally different and it breaks my heart so bad for anyone who has EVER had to watch someone suffer with cancer. It's something I think you can't understand until you really experience it. I've given my "I'm so so sorry's" to friends over the years when their relatives were diagnosed with cancer, but I never understood how awful this disease really was until you start to see what it does. My dad gets his biopsy results on Wednesday. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. I want to have hope. I do have hope. It's also scary to see how quickly he's being affected by this. Like, in a matter of a week. I know medicine cannot work miracles. Here's hoping for the best though.

In the midst of all this, my mom sent me an email on Friday. It was a forward..a lot of times I don't look at those, depending on what the subject line was, but this one was simply titled "Grateful". She subscribes to this email newsletter called The Daily Om, which is this sort of new age, semi-Eastern Thought newsletter. She occasionally forwards these to me and sometimes I read them. I decided to read this one. And they had one giant quote at the beginning of the email when I opened it: "There is always something to be grateful for even when life is hard and times are tough." I just happened to be on a break at work on a bad night when I read this and I told myself to sit back and think about those words for a second and continued reading. Here's what the rest said:

"When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another. 

When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness."

I can do without the words "blessings" and "the universe wants to shower us with.." but the essence of the article really resonated with me. My coworker, who's dad just passed away last weekend from cancer, had given me a piece of cake that he saved for me from his lunch right before I went on that break that I was taking. Reading this made me think of just that simple act. That someone thought about me earlier in the day and saved that for me. The funny thing is, I was given two more pieces of cake later in the shift by other people at the hospital :p All different cake too, lol. This made me start thinking about all of the people who had asked how my dad was doing and how I was doing. It's not that I don't appreciate that normally, but when you're under high volumes of stress, it's easy to overlook the fact that you're cared for. It's easy to not see the things that you can be grateful for in your life. Our brains become so easily trained to go straight to the negative and the overwhelming.

Perfect example...I was overwhelmed all week thinking that I have so many emails in my inbox that I have to respond to. Sitting back for a second, I can shift that thought to being grateful that I have such wonderful friends who I get to talk to. And I know that not a single one of those people in my inbox are going anywhere, nor are they going to judge me for not emailing them back immediately (they're used to that :p) This is me judging myself...choosing to focus on the negative. Making something that I'm so very very thankful for, more than I can ever put into words, into something that I stress over. 

I've been pissed off that I haven't been able to read lately. I was talking to Daphne and her partner, Keith about this yesterday. That's a HUGE thing that I was grateful for. I've known Daphne for probably about 5 or 6 years now maybe even longer? We've both disappeared from the blogging world lately, but she's always been one of my very favorite people. We're very like minded and I knew that from the second I found her blog. It's one of the things I really miss about "the old days" of book blogging. It used to be so much more personal. At least it felt that way. And I made so many awesome connections with people I never would've met were it not for blogging. I'm grateful that I've still kept most of those friendships :) But anyway, I got to meet Daphne yesterday!!!! Her and Keith came to New Orleans for a getaway and we went and had brunch together in the Marigny, my favorite part of town. I could have sat and talked with her for hours. It sounded like we've both been in book funks lately. I literally have not finished a printed book since July. We talked about go to authors or books for getting out of a funk and I now have some possibilities  but what's been keeping my reading mojo alive for now is audiobooks! I don't know what I'd do without them! So yes, I'm SO very thankful for audiobooks right now!!

Finally, education, science, research and support. I've been doing a lot of research on cancer in the last week which is a really bad idea at times and there are things I've seen which I wish I could unsee but for the most part, I am so very thankful for the amazing wealth of information that is out there. One website in particular, luncancer.org is a fantastic resource. It's just good to know that you're not alone in this, that others have been through it, have gotten through it regardless of the outcome, and that research keeps moving forward. I'm so grateful for researchers and scientists and drug developers out there who continue to advance us in fighting this and other issues. Sadly, drug developers get tied to big pharma way too often and that's really a shame. I was thinking about this with my migraine medication the other day. I'm so thankful that these medications were invented to treat my migraines...but it's disgusting that the pharmaceutical companies charge such ridiculous prices for these drugs and that they insurance companies are in bed with them dictating which companies drugs they'll allow you to have. It's even worse when it comes to a disease like cancer. Thank god my dad has insurance...medicare at least. Here's a drug that could potentially save your life, too bad you can't afford it. That's the reality for way too many people in this world. BUT going back to being grateful...I'm glad that we're slowly moving in the direction of having health coverage for more and more americans.

That grateful thing is difficult sometimes. But I'm going to keep trying. And I'm going to try to keep the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. I don't have room for that one right now.

Happy Stuff of the Day!

Another Sunday has come and gone and with it a bunch of little happy things. I liked Debi's idea in the comments of doing "happy posts" again, so I'll try to do them every now and then...trying to be more aware of the good things that the day has brought. I can't promise they'll become terribly frequent posts. It's not that there's not good stuff in every day, it's that there's not always the time to write up a post. What I CAN do though is try to be more aware of the things that bring me joy, even if for only a short moment, each day. So today...

It was the start of regular season for the Saints!! Though, yes...we played horribly and lost :( But I still love football season and love game days. We normally all get together at my mom's house and grill for the game and that's exactly what we did today. The weather was just gorgeous too. It was just me, my mom and my little brother for the first half and my dad came over for the second half. It was good to get him out of his house for a little while. He wasn't feeling great though, so he went home a little before the game ended.

After the game, me and my brother went to my dad's and finally moved a bunch of old furniture out of the house and onto the curb so that he can get a new bed. He needs one desperately. My dad has slept on a recliner for 3 years now for reasons I won't even try to explain. Not much makes sense with my dad. But he's finally agreed to get a bed with chemo likely coming up very soon. So we cleaned out my grandma's old room, which will become his now. It was tough work, but I'm glad it's done so that he'll have a peaceful place.

Speaking of my brother, I just love this picture of him and his girlfriend so much :) They're so cute together and so perfect together. They've been together over a year now and she's such a sweetheart. She's great for him too. She's been a fantastic motivator for him when it comes to school and really just life in general.

Lizards! It's no secret that I think lizards are just adorable if you take a look at my instagram feed :p New Orleans is FULL of little anole lizards, but I don't think this is an anole lizard. It's a little bit bigger and has spots on it. I've never seen one that looks like this down here...Wondering what it is!

Pumpkin Spice Lattes! It's finally that time of the year!!! PSLs are a very happy drink for me. They're not only absolutely amazing and just fill you with warmth, but they're also a seasonal drink that remind me that the worst of summer is surely over. And looking at the 10 day forecast today, there's not a single day of temperatures above the 80s! Hooray!

Tonight's sunset was absolutely gorgeous. I wish a camera could do it justice, but it just can't. It's the kind of sunset that makes you wish you were a painter. At least it makes me wish *I* were a painter :p Because I'm definitely not. But the sky looked like a piece of art tonight.

Talked to a friend tonight that I hadn't talked to in awhile for about 45 minutes and while talking to her I got my laundry done, got my floors swept, got my patio swept and got Megan's package packed up and ready to mail tomorrow. Oh and I got my overnight bag mostly packed to bring to work with me tomorrow to sleep at my mom's for my dad's biopsy Tuesday morning.

All in all, a good day :)

Let's Plan The Week 9/13-9/19

Sunday 9/13

• Saints game at mom's for 3pm with Austin and maybe Dad if he's feeling up to it.
• Move stuff out of dad's house with Austin
• Dinner at mom's
• Pick up dry cleaning
• Pick up prescription
• Catch up on blog reading and email
• Install ink cartridges in printer
• Put package together for Megan and print shipping label

Monday 9/14

• Mail package to Megan
• Pack bag to bring to mom's house with clothes for Tuesday, iPad, razor, meds, book
• WASH CAR INSIDE AND OUT!!
• Clients at 6 and 7

Tuesday 9/15

• Get chest X-ray that doctor ordered while at ochsner for dad's biopsy
• Call caremark to get explanation of benefits for botox claim
• Dad's biopsy

Wednesday 9/16

• Maybe get oil changed?
• Meeting at work
• Work 3-11

Thursday 9/17

• Call doctors office and tell her I got chest X-ray
• Look into getting LLC for private practice
• Client at 2
• Work 3-11

Friday 9/18

• Deposit checks from clients
• Oil change if you didn't do it Wednesday
• Work 3-11

Saturday 9/19

• Work 3-11

Life in Bullet Points

• COLD FRONT!!!!!!! Right now it is 68 degrees with 65% humidity :D And tomorrow the high is 82!! With the lows in the low 50s with sunny skies, breezy and low humidity! AND it's the first Saints game of the season that isn't preseason. FALL YOU GUYS!!!!! Can you tell I get a little bit giddy when I get the first taste of fall? It's amazing what a little bit of relief from the heat can do for me...that's all I ask...for it not to feel like the devil's asshole all of the time. I was slammed at work today and I kept a smile on my face all day, partly because of the weather. The best part of it all? The 10 day forecast currently doesn't have ANY 90 degree temps anywhere in site. Which gives me hope that the worst of it is officially over! Made it through another summer :p 
• Megan sent me this picture today and I laughed my ass off. I also wish that I could be that skinny again :p Ah, the goth days, how I miss thee. Yes, that's a fishnet shirt with a black velour shirt over it and yes I have eyeliner on.
  
• I discovered this live version of Joanna Newsom performing Peach, Plum, Pear from 2006 this week and I've probably watched/listened to it 20 times. It's one of the best live performances I think I've ever seen! I swear I love her so much. That harp solo at the end is just so amazing and so beautiful. And to think that I once said that I couldn't stand her :/ I cannot WAIT for her new album in October!! And I'm so hoping that she comes back here again...seeing her during her last tour was one of the best shows I've ever been to. So jealous of Ana who's getting to see her during the first leg of the tour :p 
• Dad's biopsy is Tuesday. So many mixed up emotions with that. Part of me is so anxious for it to be over with and wishes that it would've been done a month ago and I hate that treatment has been put off this long and that we still don't know what we're dealing with. The other part of me is terrified of what they will find and what the result will be and the reality that I'll have to face once the biopsy is done. I just have to not get ahead of myself right now.
 
• Oddly enough, I find myself somewhat enjoying work lately....a statement I NEVER thought I would hear come out of my mouth. At least not while I'm at my current place of work. Nothing has changed there except for me. And I feel like I could write a book, really, on what has changed. The essential change that it boils down to though is that I've allowed myself to connect again with the patients I work with and I've made an effort to disconnect with the drama of the workplace. Or maybe it's that I stopped making the effort to connect with the drama. I don't know which it is really. Since my dad's diagnosis I've had a realization that life is too short to focus on bullshit. I think the medication change that my psychiatrist did has helped a lot too. But it's been nice to find passion in my work again. I don't want to pretend that I don't have my frustrating times still. And I still want to get out of there and eventually get to just private practice...that's my true passion. But at least things have been more tolerable. 
• Having said that, I need to get back to doing more things for myself. I was thinking about that last night. I rarely get to read anymore. I don't do simple, little things like play games on my iPhone that I used to enjoy. I haven't gotten to garden much recently. I haven't been walking in a long time. I haven't taken a good, long, hot bath with a book in over a month. I haven't had a massage in a long time. I could go on. Lately, I work, I come home, and I lay on my sofa and catch up on my DVR. Which is fine...I enjoy all of the shows I've been watching. But I miss all of those other things. TV is not a life. I need to get back to life again.
• I have been listening to an audiobook that I'm SO in love with! The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat by Oliver Sacks. I wanted to finally read something of his when I heard he passed away, which was so sad :( I had read a few of his essays over the years, but I still haven't read any of his books despite owning most of them. He's one of those authors that I just knew I'd love even though I'd never read him, so I've collected most of his books :p Sure enough, I'm loving this book. I've always been fascinated by the brain. My favorite classes in college were my neuropsych classes. One of my best friends at work is a doctor who is a psychiatrist who specializes in neuropsychiatry. I LOVE hearing her talk about some of her patients and the way the brain works. Anyway, this book has been truly fascinating so far and I can't wait to keep reading more of his work.
• Time to make a to do list for the week and hope I'm more successful than I was this week!

Thank Goodness For Sundays

I love Sundays. Which is funny because as a child, Sundays were days that I absolutely dreaded and I didn't think that would ever change. Sunday represented being forced to go to church which I always hated so much. To make matters worse, I was forced to be an altar boy as a child AND join choir. If that wasn't bad enough, the nun who was in charge of choir decided she really liked my voice and would make me sing solos. I've always been an extremely introverted person, so this was not a good thing. I did love that Irish nun though...Sister Ann. I'll never forget her and still think about her from time to time. I was sad when her convent reassigned her back to Ireland. She wrote to me from time to time but we lost touch in high school. In addition to church on Sundays, there was also the reminder that the next day was school. It wasn't even so much that I disliked school itself, but I was bullied a lot in elementary school for my weight and the fact that I was a "fag" even though I was nowhere near ready to come out. I was in denial myself those days.

I've often said that if I ever went back to school to get a PhD, I think I'd do my dissertation on sexuality in childhood. It's a touchy subject, but something that I think needs to be addressed more. I think things are much much better now than they were when I was a child, but there's still a great deal of work that needs to be done. I wonder what it would be like to be born now into a world where gay marriage is legal. That's pretty awesome. And it's amazing when we look at how far things have come from 34 years ago when I was brought into the world.

The bullying that happened to me when I was a kid definitely changed me as a person and that's why I'd like to do research on that. When I look at home videos of myself as a child, it's obvious that I'm gay. I don't mean to stereotype here, but it's obvious. I had limp wrist syndrome :p I walked with my hips moving from side to side, my voice had more of a lisp to it. Things that are unrecognizable to me now. I consciously changed those things and worked on them for years until they were gone because of the bullying. I changed the essence of who I was as a person because of the cruelty that others put on me. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't bullied. Would I be more extroverted? Would I not have such horrible social anxiety? Would I not be so conscious about my weight or the way I look? Would I have come out sooner and therefore been happier sooner? Would I find it easier to date? The answer to all of those questions is surely "yes". I hope so badly that the somewhat normalization of the lgbt experience in today's society leads to kids these days knowing that they're ok as they are and that they don't need to lose themselves at such a young age.

Wow...I did NOT plan on this post being about all that :p My original point is that Sundays are now my favorite day of that week :p It's the one day where I have no obligations for the most part aside from doing whatever *I* want to do. And it's the start of my weekend. So today has been a good day. Yesterday was awful. I didn't wake up until an hour before work and barely made it to work on time, so most of what I had planned to do yesterday went out the window. I did pay a few bills though, I worked, and I talked to Austin who said he couldn't come down to help move furniture out of my dad's house, so that left today free for me to get stuff done! I called CVS to see what meds they had for me to pick up and I told them they can keep one of them. I HATE my insurance company. My doctor had prescribed me a different triptan for my migraines called Treximet. If you have migraines, triptans are pretty much the only medication that will get rid of them. I take Maxalt most of the time and since a generic has come out, it only costs me $5 now for 9 pills. But I've been on it so long that it's becoming less and less effective. So she wanted to give me a second one. The Treximet would've cost me $119 for NINE PILLS!! Screw that. I know the medication is expensive, but seriously?

I did finally get a hair cut today and let me tell you I feel like a new person!!! I HATE when my hair gets to a certain point. It drives me nuts. I found a place here on the north shore called Sports Clips and it will definitely be my go to place for now on for hair cuts! They specialize in men's haircuts and the stylists stay up to date on the "latest cuts" for men. Their big thing is that they have tvs you can watch with sports games on while you're getting your hair cut. She did a great job and since it was my first time there, she gave me a free shampoo and shoulder massage which was awesome. They sit you in a massage chair while they're washing your hair and wrap your face in a hot towel and then use this massager to massage your back, neck and shoulders. Highly recommended!

Then I came home and got laundry done which was so badly needed. I had no clean towels and two loads of clothes that needed to be done. AND I finally changed my sheets too. It feels so good to go to bed in freshly washed sheets :) I didn't get to clean the patio today like I wanted to because it's rained all day :/ BUT I do love the rain, so I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon reading and listening to the thunder after I do a bit of blog reading :) Oh, also I found this Indian scarf/cloth/I'm not really sure what? that I got from I don't know where? and decided to use it as a table cloth for my table that I got from my sister and finally put out my placemats too! It's so nice to finally have a dining room table after being in my apartment for 3 years :p

Finally, I got to work on my reading room some more!!! It's still a work in progress, but I'm happy with how it's coming along and it's very cozy :) Here are some pics! This is what you see when you first walk in:

I have this really awesome book of James Jean prints called Kindling that I've been using to decorate that's an AMAZING deal. He's one of my favorite artists and if you're a fan of art, this is a must have book at an incredible price. It's a collection of 12 removable prints that are nice quality and nice size for about $20. Here's a closer look at the prints above the sofa:

On side of the sofa are the "floating bookshelves" currently holding a few RIP reads with one of my favorite prints, the Holstee Manifesto, above it:

Here's a close up of the Holstee print...I love everything that they do too. Here's a link to their website, but be forewarned, you may want everything they have :p

And finally, here's what it looks like across from the sofa...this area is a work in progress. There's a lot of crap over there still. This room was pretty much a storage room before it became the reading room, so I need to work on cleaning this up some more. The goal is for that wall to eventually be a full gallery wall:

Right now it's just two James Jean prints, a Neil Gaiman print illustrated by David Mack, and a collage that Megan did for me probably 10 years ago that I really love! Here's close ups of the art work so far:

And that's my Sunday in a nutshell so far! It's nice to be able to cross some stuff off of the list. Wish I could've crossed more off the list but oh well...it is what it is. Here's hoping for a good week with nothing but great news :)

Let's Plan The Week 9/5 - 9/11

I love to do lists. I always have. I just love lists in general really. There's a really awesome sense of accomplishment when you can scratch that thing off of the list and not just see that it's actually done but you get the joy of seeing the list get shorter too :) I also have pretty bad anxiety and I get overwhelmed keeping everything in my head that I need to do. So making lists makes me feel so much better because once it's out of my head and onto paper and I know I have somewhat of a plan, I don't have to think about it 24/7 anymore. Seriously, there are nights where I will spend god knows how long tossing and turning because I can't shut my mind down from thinking about everything I need to do. So I thought I'd start planning my weeks out here with all of the things that I need to get done. This way I can also delegate different tasks to different days to make things more realistic. And then I can come back and edit this post as needed and start a new one each week :)

Saturday 9/5

• Get hair cut if I wake up early enough. Seriously I have GOT to get this done. My hair is driving me nuts and long hair might have looked good when I was 16 but when you have a receding hairline, it just doesn't look good anymore.
• Mail check to doctors office
• Pay bills
• Pick up prescription at CVS
• Call back two new potential clients that left voice mails to schedule sessions
• Text Austin to see if he's coming to dad's tomorrow
• Work 3-11

Sunday 9/6

• If Austin comes in town, move furniture out of dad's house
• Clean bathrooms (at least tubs)
• Laundry
• Clean up patio (throw away old plants)
• Put algae cleaner in Baxter's tank
• Go to whole foods for a few groceries
• Make lunches for the week
• Catch up on emails/blog reading hopefully! 

Monday 9/7

• BBQ at mom's with michelle, peyton and dad
• Bring dry cleaning to moms
• Bring books to moms
• Bring gates to moms to go in attic
• Client at 7p
• Possibly 2 other clients depending on phone calls?
• Catch up on emails/blog reading hopefully part 2! 

Tuesday 9/8

• Clients at 1p and 2p
• Work from 3-11
• Tell martha I need off on 9/15

Wednesday 9/9

• Wash car and clean inside
• Deposit checks from clients
• Work from 3-11

Thursday 9/10

• Possible clients at 1p and/or 2p
• Work from 3-11

Friday 9/11

• Get oil changed
• Work from 3-11

Thinkin' Thinkin' Thoughts

What a week it has a been. What a year it has been really. I'm glad I started this blog again....I've found myself lately with so many thoughts running through my mind and it's nice to have a place to put them down again. In fact, when I finish this post, I think I'll write another post to make a weekly to do list. I tell my clients all the time in private practice to write write write...whether it's in a journal, on the computer or even in their phone, just write. The reason I like writing as a therapeutic tool so much is that it gets everything out of your head. Your mentally giving yourself permission to not have to think about something constantly anymore. Especially when it comes to "to do lists". I know I can stress for days and weeks over a laundry list of things that I have to get done. The great thing about making to do lists is that once you put it on paper, you can stop constantly reminding yourself in your head of everything that you have to get done because you have a place to go back and see it. Writing also lets you sort out things in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. There's connections made in that process from the brain to the hand to the paper. I often tell my clients that they can have their own sort of therapy session in doing that in between meetings with me. I just need to remember to take my own advice. Write.

So my dad went in to have his biopsy yesterday but couldn't have it done. He fell last weekend and is pretty much black and blue from head to toe on his left side. For the biopsy, he needed to be awake and fully conscious for the beginning of it. He got there at 9AM and they didn't take him until 2 to start the procedure. They gave him nothing for pain or anxiety and told him to lay on his stomach on a metal table. He couldn't do it because of the pain he was in, but ended up trying to anyway. His ribcage is held together with wires and screws from when he had open heart surgery and the cancer has caused him to lose pretty much all of his muscle and fat so when he laid on his stomach he said he felt all of the metal in his chest pressing against his insides. They need him to be awake up to a certain point because apparently they need him to breathe in and out and hold his breath and move his arm while they're cutting into him? Sounds like torture :/ Once they get to a certain point of the procedure they can do twilight anesthesia. After trying this though, they determined they're just going to have to reschedule and put him under general anesthesia. So now his biopsy has been rescheduled for September 15th.

While he was at the hospital yesterday having all of this done, I was having one of the worst days at work that I've ever had. I don't even feel like recounting it right now, so I won't. But at one point in the night, I literally walked out...which I've never done. I went and sat in my car for 15 minutes with the A/C on full blast because they won't fix the A/C in our office and then came back in finally and went back to work. I needed a forced break. And I snapped at a coworker which I don't ever do either. But I ended up personally doing 8 admissions by myself in an 8 hour shift and when I left at 11, there were still three patients waiting in the lobby, the first who had been waiting for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I literally did not have a single minute to call my dad and see how he did. My dad has fucking lung cancer and was getting a biopsy done and because of my job, I couldn't call him and see how he made out. On most nights, I can take a break at some point. But last night there literally wasn't a second for me to take a break. I had 2 or 3 patients I was working with at any given time. And I would say it's just the nature of the job, but it's not. This was all created by other people not doing their jobs and dumping on my shift and creating emergencies where there shouldn't have been any.

I've been doing a lot better lately at not letting my job get to me. I think the new meds have helped with that a lot. But there are some days where you just can't keep your head in the sand. So when my dad has his biopsy again, fuck work. I'm not going in. I shouldn't have gone in yesterday, but I know we're short staffed. But I'm sick of sacrificing my happiness or at least my mental health for that place when it does absolutely nothing for me. Or I should say, when it actually makes my own mental health WORSE. I'll be letting my boss know on Tuesday that she needs to have my shift covered for my dad's biopsy.

There ARE good things that have surprisingly come from my dad's cancer diagnosis. Mainly, the goodness of people. I still don't even know exactly what stage of cancer my dad has, if it's spread, if it's treatable, etc and already, I've been overwhelmed with the kindness of people. It's something that I didn't expect at all and it's really had a big effect on me. It's amazing how something so ugly and upsetting like cancer can shift your outlook on life and it's sad at the same time. It's sort of like two years ago when I had the incident at the hospital when the patient pulled out a gun and pointed at himself and me. In it's own fucked up way, that ended up being a really positive experience for me...it was a very self reflective time in my life. This is becoming the same.

I'm learning that life is fragile. Something that I was aware of before, but is taking on a new truth and a new meaning. It's truly fragile and can be snatched away so quickly. So many things that we think are important may be important, but aren't the REAL important things. It's not a good idea to start throwing those other things aside, but I think it's time to start focusing on the bigger picture more. The proverbial "one day" has a finite expiration date. I may not know what mine is, but I'm becoming more aware that it's going to come one day. I get this one life...things that can destroy that life don't need to be in it. Things that can fill that life with joy and happiness and new and interesting experiences...those things need to be in it. Things that make my heart smile need to play a central role in my life. It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of shit...where you're stuck in a negative situation which leads to negative self talk or negative talk to the others around you which leads to negative behaviors which leads to negative effects on your body which leads to your life being cut shorter because of the deleterious effects on your body. I feel like THAT is the direction that society is heading towards and it's sad. But to the extent that I can, I need to control what I can. Replace all of those negatives with positives.

Ok...I'm rambled out for now though I feel like I could write for another hour :p But I'll stop for tonight. And go make a to do list for the week. Which I think I'm going to start doing as a weekly thing to help out.

Jumping Back Into The Waters

Today is the start of a new month and it marks the end of the toughest months of the year for me. I HATE July and August. With a passion. Seriously. They literally just drain the life out of me every year. The reason being, the heat is just so unbearable and so stifling in New Orleans. We stay between 90-100 degrees throughout the months of July and August but the heat index and humidity makes it feel in excess of 110 and it's just exhausting. It feels like you can drink the air on some days. I have a hard time understanding people who love the summer and the heat. I'll take the cold any day over the heat! This year was just especially bad. It hasn't been a good year to begin with. I could write for days on why and in time I'm sure I'll get it all down here, but suffice it to say, I really would've liked to just fast forward through these last two months.

BUT, a cool front came through last week reminding me that there's an end to this relentless heat and that Fall is right around the corner! And with that cool front came back my desire to blog again finally. Or at least to get back to writing. So that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to use this blog for now to do that for a number of reasons. First, let me say that this is not a private blog...it's set up as a blog that anyone can view and I don't mind anyone reading or commenting on what I post here! So if you've found your way here or if you've visited here before, hello :) At the same time, there's a reason I'm writing on this blog. I'm not ready to go back to Stuff as Dreams are Made on. I don't know how many times in the last year I've gone back to that blog and said "I'll be around more often now!" With that ending up obviously not being the case. It has to do with a number of things. There's the fact that it's an 8 year old blog, with 8 years of followers and what I see as expectations even though I know those are self imposed expectations. I feel committed to talking about books mostly on that blog, commenting, keeping up with the latest, posting regularly, not being too personal...and that's not what I need right now. When the time's right, I'll go back to it. But for now, I really need an outlet to just write. About whatever I want to. Just to get me back into writing and visiting friends blogs again. This will be a place that I can work out thoughts on what's going on in my life, vent when I need to, record life events, talk about books and food and art and whatever else is going on. But most importantly, it'll be a place for ME. Which is what I need and what I've been missing. Like I said, if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, I'd love to have you :) But warning ahead of time, I may bore you to tears with this blog :p Unlike Stuff as Dreams are Made on, I don't plan on writing for an audience with this blog.

So the impetus for really wanting to get back to blogging is my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer. I need a place to start writing about this and start getting it out and try as I may, I just suck royally at keeping a handwritten journal. I've finally accepted that after starting probably hundreds of handwritten journals over the years and never going back to them after a few pages :p He was diagnosed almost a month ago now and still hasn't had his biopsy yet :/ It was supposed to be today but he hadn't fasted from aspirin so they had to push it back to Thursday now. Part of me is glad that they finally know what is wrong with him and why he's lost so much weight recently and why his health just continues to decline and part of me, obviously, is scared shitless for him and for myself. I know it's not going to be good news when he has the biopsy. His doctor says he may have had this for up to 3 years, so it's likely to be late stage and/or to have spread. I just really really really hope that this is treatable.

It's the first time in my life that I've really seen my dad scared...it's allowed me to see him in a different light than I have before. You never ever want to see someone that you care about suffer in any way, but oddly enough, it's made me feel closer to him. I've never had the best relationship with my dad. We never had the typical father/son relationship. For the most part, he chose alcohol over his children and still does to an extent. I was never really the son he wanted...that sounds more harsh than it is....I don't at all mean to say that he didn't want me, but he got a gay son who wasn't into sports or girls and I think it showed when I was growing up that he was disappointed that I wasn't into those things. In the last year or so though, we've gotten a bit closer. I've never come out to my dad, but I think he has an idea that I'm gay, and in his own way, he's shown that he's ok with that. We've talked a lot more recently. He's come to me as a more vulnerable person than he ever has and tells me when he's scared or anxious or nervous and I've been there for him late into the night to talk through some of this stuff. Roles have switched and I've become a care taker of sorts and I've really made myself just look at my dad as a person, not so much as a father...and in doing that, I don't mind him at all as a human being. He wasn't capable of being the dad that I needed growing up and honestly, my mom did the job of two parents. I'm forever grateful to her for all that she sacrificed, all of the love that she poured out to me and my sister unconditionally, and all of the joy that she has brought to our lives. I have no clue where I'd be without her. I had to acknowledge that and accept that my dad...while we don't have the best father/son relationship, he's someone that I do care about a great deal and maybe he didn't do the best that he could, but he's struggled with addiction, a disease his whole life. And that disease is killing him now in more ways than one. I don't need to lecture him anymore at this point.

Right now I'm just taking things a day at a time...it's all I can do. But I need to start doing more for myself. I didn't read a single book in the month of August. Well that's not completely true, I listened to an audiobook. But aside from that, nada. I'm going to do RIP during September and October and I'm REALLY looking forward to that!!! I really have a craving to start gardening again, though it's late in the year to do that :/ BUT I do live in southern Louisiana where we can pretty much grow stuff until late December, so all is not lost! I have my new reading room in my apartment which is a fun project to get back to designing. I got my sisters sofa and ottoman and table and lamp. I just need to decorate now! I'd like to get back to baking and cooking as I haven't taken the time to do any of that in a long time. I can't WAIT for the weather to cool down so that I can start going on walks in the woods again!!! I always feel so much better when I'm out in nature. Up until now, I haven't even thought of any of this stuff as a possibility for the most part this year :( That's just what kind of year it's been. I feel like I've mostly just been keeping my head above water. It feels really good that these things are starting to come back!!

I think I'll leave it there for now and go play with my bookshelves for a little while and pick out my RIP books :) I'm sure the pile will be enormous :p Thankfully, I'm off of work tonight so I get to relax and indulge myself! I had my botox injections today for my migraines, so I took the day off because I normally get a pretty bad headache afterwards and end up laid up on pain pills all night. No headaches yet though! Lets hope it stays that way. Ok..off to pick out books!