Thinkin' Thinkin' Thoughts

What a week it has a been. What a year it has been really. I'm glad I started this blog again....I've found myself lately with so many thoughts running through my mind and it's nice to have a place to put them down again. In fact, when I finish this post, I think I'll write another post to make a weekly to do list. I tell my clients all the time in private practice to write write write...whether it's in a journal, on the computer or even in their phone, just write. The reason I like writing as a therapeutic tool so much is that it gets everything out of your head. Your mentally giving yourself permission to not have to think about something constantly anymore. Especially when it comes to "to do lists". I know I can stress for days and weeks over a laundry list of things that I have to get done. The great thing about making to do lists is that once you put it on paper, you can stop constantly reminding yourself in your head of everything that you have to get done because you have a place to go back and see it. Writing also lets you sort out things in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise. There's connections made in that process from the brain to the hand to the paper. I often tell my clients that they can have their own sort of therapy session in doing that in between meetings with me. I just need to remember to take my own advice. Write.

So my dad went in to have his biopsy yesterday but couldn't have it done. He fell last weekend and is pretty much black and blue from head to toe on his left side. For the biopsy, he needed to be awake and fully conscious for the beginning of it. He got there at 9AM and they didn't take him until 2 to start the procedure. They gave him nothing for pain or anxiety and told him to lay on his stomach on a metal table. He couldn't do it because of the pain he was in, but ended up trying to anyway. His ribcage is held together with wires and screws from when he had open heart surgery and the cancer has caused him to lose pretty much all of his muscle and fat so when he laid on his stomach he said he felt all of the metal in his chest pressing against his insides. They need him to be awake up to a certain point because apparently they need him to breathe in and out and hold his breath and move his arm while they're cutting into him? Sounds like torture :/ Once they get to a certain point of the procedure they can do twilight anesthesia. After trying this though, they determined they're just going to have to reschedule and put him under general anesthesia. So now his biopsy has been rescheduled for September 15th.

While he was at the hospital yesterday having all of this done, I was having one of the worst days at work that I've ever had. I don't even feel like recounting it right now, so I won't. But at one point in the night, I literally walked out...which I've never done. I went and sat in my car for 15 minutes with the A/C on full blast because they won't fix the A/C in our office and then came back in finally and went back to work. I needed a forced break. And I snapped at a coworker which I don't ever do either. But I ended up personally doing 8 admissions by myself in an 8 hour shift and when I left at 11, there were still three patients waiting in the lobby, the first who had been waiting for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I literally did not have a single minute to call my dad and see how he did. My dad has fucking lung cancer and was getting a biopsy done and because of my job, I couldn't call him and see how he made out. On most nights, I can take a break at some point. But last night there literally wasn't a second for me to take a break. I had 2 or 3 patients I was working with at any given time. And I would say it's just the nature of the job, but it's not. This was all created by other people not doing their jobs and dumping on my shift and creating emergencies where there shouldn't have been any.

I've been doing a lot better lately at not letting my job get to me. I think the new meds have helped with that a lot. But there are some days where you just can't keep your head in the sand. So when my dad has his biopsy again, fuck work. I'm not going in. I shouldn't have gone in yesterday, but I know we're short staffed. But I'm sick of sacrificing my happiness or at least my mental health for that place when it does absolutely nothing for me. Or I should say, when it actually makes my own mental health WORSE. I'll be letting my boss know on Tuesday that she needs to have my shift covered for my dad's biopsy.

There ARE good things that have surprisingly come from my dad's cancer diagnosis. Mainly, the goodness of people. I still don't even know exactly what stage of cancer my dad has, if it's spread, if it's treatable, etc and already, I've been overwhelmed with the kindness of people. It's something that I didn't expect at all and it's really had a big effect on me. It's amazing how something so ugly and upsetting like cancer can shift your outlook on life and it's sad at the same time. It's sort of like two years ago when I had the incident at the hospital when the patient pulled out a gun and pointed at himself and me. In it's own fucked up way, that ended up being a really positive experience for me...it was a very self reflective time in my life. This is becoming the same.

I'm learning that life is fragile. Something that I was aware of before, but is taking on a new truth and a new meaning. It's truly fragile and can be snatched away so quickly. So many things that we think are important may be important, but aren't the REAL important things. It's not a good idea to start throwing those other things aside, but I think it's time to start focusing on the bigger picture more. The proverbial "one day" has a finite expiration date. I may not know what mine is, but I'm becoming more aware that it's going to come one day. I get this one life...things that can destroy that life don't need to be in it. Things that can fill that life with joy and happiness and new and interesting experiences...those things need to be in it. Things that make my heart smile need to play a central role in my life. It's so easy to get stuck in the cycle of shit...where you're stuck in a negative situation which leads to negative self talk or negative talk to the others around you which leads to negative behaviors which leads to negative effects on your body which leads to your life being cut shorter because of the deleterious effects on your body. I feel like THAT is the direction that society is heading towards and it's sad. But to the extent that I can, I need to control what I can. Replace all of those negatives with positives.

Ok...I'm rambled out for now though I feel like I could write for another hour :p But I'll stop for tonight. And go make a to do list for the week. Which I think I'm going to start doing as a weekly thing to help out.