Happy Things!

I thought today might be a good day to focus on the good. Because there IS always good and lots of it when we take time to notice it :) This week was back to work after some time off and it was an especially crappy week at work which I won't focus on here, but I found that despite that, I was able to not let it get to me so much. I basically shifted my mind set to "this is my job, I can only do what I can do, I can't make everyone happy, my focus is going to be on taking care of the patients." And I've found that when I make my focus on the patients alone rather than the politics of the job, work becomes much much more rewarding. Not always easy, but good to remind myself of that!

Today is my day completely off of work with no other obligations!! And it's quite the cozy day :) It's my perfect idea of a day off actually. I woke up at noon to thunder and wind and rain (my favorite kind of weather) and we're forecasted to have this kind of weather for the next 24 hours thanks to Patricia. Though of course, I'd happily give up this day to take away the destruction caused by Patricia :( There's something that I find so enthralling and electrifying about the wonder and power of a hurricane that I can't even put into words...the weather event itself is awe inspiring...but the destruction caused by them is so awful and heartbreaking :( Today though, for me personally, I'm just getting the remnants...and that is thunderstorms and gusty winds and a dark room with a cozy blanket and books and horror movies and coffee :) It's really a perfect Sunday and just what I needed.

My dad had his doctor appointment with his primary care doctor yesterday and felt discouraged because he was having a bad day. No bad news, per say, just not a good day. And then we had a nightmare at the pharmacy which still hasn't resolved itself. So after his appointment, I gave him a little gift that had just happen to arrive in the mail that morning:

It put the BIGGEST smile on his face and he laughed out loud like I haven't heard him do in months. So worth it just for that moment, but I think this will help him even more than just that moment. He asked me to put it on him right away and said it will be his good luck charm. And of course, he's showing it off to everyone he sees now and he said he can't wait to show it to his oncologist tomorrow :p I got this from an amazing Etsy seller. Her shop is Stamping Cancer Out. She is SUCH a sweetheart. I've gotten the sweetest messages from her, she sent the sweetest thank you card with the necklace and her shop is really amazing. I think her shop will become a favorite throughout this process.

Other things I've found on Etsy lately that I've really loved:

I am obsessed with these Day of the Dead poppets that Lisa Snellings Clark has created!! I just need a pay raise :p It's Day of the Dead and Poppets. Two of my favorite things.

This woman's sculptures are absolutely incredible! They truly take my breath away. She doesn't sell the sculptures on her Etsy site, but she sells prints of them and I want them all :p I would love to own one of these sculptures though or at the least visit a gallery of them some day.

I love this woman's art so much. Love the native american influence and color choices she uses as well as her aesthetic!

The fabric that this woman sells in her shop makes me wish that I knew how to sew or at the very least had a reason to do something with fabric :p I seriously love her designs SO MUCH. Anyone have any ideas on a project I could do with fabric? lol. I desperately want a reason to own some of this!

Finally, this is an Etsy seller that I've become friends with over the years and she's amazing! Her name's Hollie and her collages are incredible and I really love her new work. She does most of her collages on old book covers and you'll often see things like old library cards integrated into her work. And she has really awesome taste in music :)

Speaking of music, this is such an exciting time for music right now!!! Thursday night was the worst night of the week at work and when I got in my car to leave, my phone informed me that the new Joanna Newsom album had been released a few hours early so I got to listen to it on my commute home :D This was in my top 3 most anticipated albums of the year!! And it didn't disappoint at all. God, this album is so damn good. There are certain moments on this album that really shine and literally take your breath away. Like "Divers", which is also the title of the album. I could listen to that song over and over again. This may not be the most consistently amazing album she's released from beginning to end, but the moments that shine are amazing and the album as a whole is still solid as a rock.

Ana posted a link to this interview with Chvrches front woman, Lauren Mayberry which I hadn't read yet and it's such a good interview. Every Open Eye was one of my other top 3 most anticipated albums of the year and it too did not disappoint!! I love their confidence, I love Lauren so much, and last week she performed I Need My Girl with The National and it was amazing!! I need more moments like this to happen please when my favorite bands come together and do amazing things thanks. Have a look:

And finally, my absolute MOST anticipated album of the year is supposed to drop this week!!!! And that would be Grimes' new album! I have literally been waiting for this album for 2 years now. And I have been so inpatient since May when Claire Boucher (aka Grimes) announced that it would come out some time in October. She performed her first show last night and I obsessively stalked YouTube and Instagram looking for videos of new songs to be posted and was rewarded with about 4, 8 second clips of new material :p And the sound quality was horrible so I have no idea still what the album will sound like but I'm really excited! She's another awesome musician and genuinely awesome person.

Now if I could just get back to reading again....going to TRY to do some of that today...I have so many awesome books here waiting to be read too! We'll see what sticks!

Navigating the Ups and Downs

Well it's been quite the week. But I'm enjoying some much needed time off right now which came at just the right time. I'm learning something really interesting about life right now....that you can find balance in anything if you allow yourself to be open to it. Maybe I shouldn't say that as a blanket statement. I know that comes easier to some than others and lord knows it has never come easy to me. I'm not saying by any means that it's an easy thing to do. In fact, it's taken me getting to a place where I literally had no other option except to accept that I need to find some balance to find just that. I just wish there was an easier way to find that. I wish we could find that without waiting until a crisis comes upon us. I wish it was easy not to slip back into our old ways once a crisis passes. 

With my friend's suicide last week, I was left with tons of questions and things that will never be known. Now I'm left with only memories and pictures and having to know that I'll never see that smiling face again, hear that voice that literally made you smile from ear to ear the second you heard her, and knowing how many other people are left feeling the same way. The outpour of love and grief over her death has been overwhelming. It's amazing to see just how many people she touched with her life and how many people describe her the same way. People I never even knew. One beautiful thing to come from this is that people are talking about depression. And people are reconnecting. 

We're having a memorial for her next Saturday. Needless to say, I'm not going to be able to participate in the readathon. But I'll be spending the day remembering my friend and through this I've reconnected with SO many people that I had lost touch with and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again so much!!! I have a feeling it'll be a really beautiful day that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life.

My dad's health issues continue to get worse and a big part of that is him not taking care of himself. It's a really frustrating place to be. I get that he's scared. That he doesn't want to face what he's facing. That it's so much easier to ignore it. But ignoring it right now is the last thing he needs to do. It's such a frustrating feeling to break through that wall. He's ignoring these issues (or maybe avoiding is a better word) BECAUSE he's scared of how serious it could be, so he's not giving up...it's not like that's the issue, but at the same time, the more you ignore it the worse it gets. Of course this is logical to me, but I can't get any of it through to him. And I do get that I'm not in his shoes and I can't know what he's going through. But I don't know how to be there for him right now. All I can do is take him to his appointments or the hospital when he agrees to go. I spent the entire day Sunday (literally the whole day) trying to persuade him to get help or at least call his doctors and he absolutely refuses. I wasn't accusatory or defensive or yelling until a certain point when I just got frustrated. I've tried calling an ambulance once before and he refused to get in and the EMTs wouldn't take him because he refused care. So I'm left with no option but to just watch him deteriorate? And hope he'll come to his senses I guess. These past few months have just been a series of sometimes two steps forward, one step back...sometimes one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I see so much improvement in him and in us, and sometimes it's like he just gives up on it all again.

But once again, I'm finding I need balance in that again as well. As heartless as I feel in saying this, I need to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and that he's responsible for the decisions he makes. And that I need to take care of myself too right now. So that's what I've been doing these last couple of days. Relaxing, reading again, watching tv, played in the garden, went to the lakefront, spent most of yesterday talking to friends on the phone. Tomorrow will be for my dad. I'm taking him to his appointments tomorrow and I'm not planning for them to be too great, but we'll see what it brings.

Balance....I need to remember that word. I've wanted a tattoo for years, but I've always said I won't get one until I know it's something I'll never regret having on my body for the rest of my life. Maybe it should just be that word :p Or maybe a better idea is to just say it out loud every morning ;) 

An Open Letter To Anyone Who May Come Across This Post

I would give anything to not be writing this post right now. I lost a friend to suicide today. I've known her since I was sixteen. Every memory I have of her is laced with laughter and a smile. And I don't say that out of respect for her memory....it's the truth. She was the girl who made everyone laugh, who put a smile on everyone's face. She struggled with addiction throughout her life, but the last time I saw her she was winning the battle. My last memory of her was seeing the Marilyn Manson and Smashing Pumpkins tour with her a couple of months ago and sharing the best bbq pork sandwich in the world passing it back and forth between bites and her telling me about her plans for the future and  talking about old times and laughing our asses off and taking pictures all night. I'm happy with my last memory of her.

But I HATE that it's my last memory of her. I'm nowhere near a place yet that I can accept that it's my last memory of her. I've been privileged enough to never have experienced suicidal thoughts myself, though I have gone through lengthy depressive episodes. I can't imagine what it's like to get to the point where it feels like the only option is to take your life. Depression is a horrible, hopeless beast. And it lies and it tells you that you're alone. It tells you that no one understands you. That no one is there for you. That you're a bother to people. That this will never end. But it does. It does end. It gets better. Sometimes it takes the help of professionals to point you in that direction and show you how it gets better. Sometimes it takes the voice of a friend. Sometimes it takes reading a blog post which is why I'm writing this right now. Know that someone is thinking of YOU even if you just googled "suicide" and came across this post. People care and there is hope and there is light in life.

Depression lies.

Since hearing the news of my friend's death, I've talked to numerous people that I haven't talked to since high school. A whole group of friends that all knew this same person...all people that are so sad to hear about her passing. These are all people who still kept in touch with her even though we haven't all kept in touch with each other. It's been a reminder of how many people there are out there. How many people there are that love and care for this person. How many people's lives she touched. Whatever she was going through didn't let her see that. Or maybe it did, but that wasn't enough.

I don't mean to be dismissive of depression here. I won't say "suicide is for cowards"...I hate when people say that. It takes a lot for someone to take their life and to get to that point mentally. I can't imagine how exhausting that has to be, how terrifying, how horribly alone and sad. I'm a licensed mental health profession who does admissions at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I have years of experience with people who are acutely suicidal. I know how horrible of a place that is and that it's not a place that anyone would choose to be and that it feels that there is no other option at that point.

Let me tell you this. Someone always cares. I care. If you're a complete stranger to me, I care. I have had numerous people over the years tell me that I saved their lives. And I am not saying that in any way to brag and I would never share that information if it weren't for this purpose. When you feel like you are alone, like there is no one in your life that cares about you and no one you can reach out to, call a hospital. There are licensed professionals who do the same type of work that I do who do this work because we care. It's a high stress job and I promise you that's the reason we choose to stay in that job..because we're passionate about it. If you can, reach out to a family member, reach out to a friend. If you go through those options and say or feel that you don't have family or friends, you still have someone...me! Or the equivalent of me. Call a hospital and ask for an admissions counselor or just go to your nearest ER. Or if you can't do that just call 911. Help is always available and sometimes the bravest and best thing you can ever do for yourself is pick up the phone and hit three buttons and trust that it's the right thing even if it doesn't feel like its worth it. Put it in someone else's hands. For whatever reason, this friend of mine either felt she couldn't do that or was blinded by her depression and didn't think of that. Unfortunately, we will never know what happened.

Taking your life means taking away any possibility for any positives in the future. It cannot be reversed. In a depressed state, we don't tend to think about the good things in life. That's a fact. But they are there. I promise you. You're just not focused on them at all right now. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there's no problem that can't be faced, regardless of how insurmountable it feels. Once again, there's help out there for whatever you're going through. Things may not be easy to face. I won't lie and say they are, but they are rarely as ugly as depression and fear and trauma make them out to be in our heads.

Please always fight. Remember that DEPRESSION LIES. It tells great big ugly lies that feel and sound so true at the time but they are not. Somebody always cares. Someone needs you to fight. You have a beautiful life ahead of you filled with literally endless roads and possibilities and it will be so exciting to explore what those roads are and where they'll take you. The journey is just now starting. Don't slam on the brakes, refill your tank instead.

Money Can Buy A Little Bit Of Happiness!

One of the things that I've worked really hard on this year is saving money and paying off debt. Well, I should say, not spending money as frivolously and paying off debt. And I'm proud of myself for how well I've done!! I've made HUGE changes in the amount of random stuff I buy and I don't buy books anymore unless they're books that I'm really excited about and know that I plan on reading. In fact, what I've been doing is preordering books that I'm excited about and mostly limiting myself to just those books. I've been doing the same with music. Which is a lot harder because I'm a music addict just as much so as with books. Only I'm always looking for new music. So that can get to be quite expensive. I used to buy every album that I thought I would enjoy on vinyl. But this year, I've seriously cut back on that and I've only been buying albums by bands that I truly love on vinyl...things that I "need" to have in my collection. Less is more is sort of the theme of the year when it comes to "stuff".

If you were to look at my mailbox today, you'd think I was a total failure at this money saving and paying off debt thing :p I swear today was the best day I can think of in any recent time when it came to book releases!! 5 books that I had preordered all arrived today and they're some of my most anticipated books of the year. One of my most anticipated albums of the year arrived too along with awesome bonus swag. AND to top it off, I got a really awesome card in the mail too :) All of this couldn't have come at a better time :) So I thought I'd share and talk about all of these goodies. First up, BOOKS! Remember when I used to talk about those?

How often do that many awesome books come out all in one day??? So excited about all of these! My readathon pile is suddenly becoming a little bit clearer ;)

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Illustrated Edition) by J.K. Rowling - I knew this book was going to be gorgeous, but I had no idea it would be this beautiful! They put so much love into the creation of this book. I've been wanting to reread this series for ages. Harry Potter will forever be one of my favorite series and I have such wonderful memories associated with each one of these books. I'm really hoping that they plan on releasing all of the books in this format. It would be fantastic to experience them all like this! It's going to be nice to revisit this and all the memories that I'm sure will come along with it :)
• The Nest by Kenneth Oppel, Illustrated by Jon Klassen - I completely forgot that I had preordered this book and didn't even remember what it was about :p I still don't remember why exactly I preordered it or where I heard about it? But just looking at the book itself, I can instantly see that it's something that I'll fall in love with. Aesthetically, it's gorgeous and haunting looking and it's described as "a haunting, gothic tale for fans of Coraline." SOLD!
• Ghostly: A Collection of Ghost Stories collected and introduced by Audrey Niffenegger - The reason why I bought this is evident in the title :p It's a collection of ghost stories that's been curated by Audrey Niffenegger. This has the potential to be one of my favorite short story collections ever! In addition to that, she's illustrated each story herself and it includes a brand new story by her, Neil Gaiman and Kelly Link among others. Yes please!
• M Train by Patti Smith - I love Patti Smith's writing so much. In a way, her writing has always reminded me a bit of Francesca Lia Block. And she's just a really awesome person. This book is sort of a road map of her life told through her visits to various cafes around the world. Sounds like a cozy and intimate book that might be a perfect readathon read :)
• The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness - NEW PATRICK NESS!!!!! I've been waiting for this book for so long!!!! It took everything I had to be patient and not pay more money than I had to to get this book when it was released a month ago overseas. But I knew my reading has been nonexistent lately and that it was a smart idea just to wait, so the day has finally arrived and it's in my hands now :) If I haven't gobbled it up by then, this will be in my readathon pile as well!

This has been such a great year for music too! Frankly, I'm shocked that I've been as restrained as I have been when it comes to buying music on vinyl. But I've been disciplined :) There are a few bands though that I'll make exceptions for and one of them is Chvrches. I've been waiting for their sophomore album since the day they released their debut :p The second I heard Chvrches for the first time a couple of years ago, it was instant love. It's so rare that a band maintains that same caliber with a second album, but they've done it with this one, Every Open Eye. They offered this really great package too at a really great price! So now I have the new album on white vinyl WITH a really cool t-shirt AND a postcard signed by all three members of the band :D Now I just need them to come down here on their tour. 

And finally I got my card of the month from Holstee. I love those guys so much. I get a new letterpress card every month from them and each month it's centered around a theme. This month's theme was particularly poignant. It's vulnerability. They also included this little sticker with the card this month that I love so so much!!! Now I just need to get my writing mojo back and start sending out some of these cards. Included with your card each month, they send you a little description on why they chose that theme and a brief meditation on it....I really loved this month's...here's what they had to say:

Yep....pretty perfect for right now. So, thank ye gods for a wonderful mail day when it was much needed :) I'm good for awhile now! Now I'm off to go enjoy some of these goodies.

On Discovering New Intersections In Life

I'm finding myself at this weird intersection in life that I've never come across before. It's a mixture of emotions that is so hard to describe because I don't know that there is a way to describe it. For the last few months, I've basically dropped off of the face of the earth. That's mainly because I've been in this bizarre period of life where so much is up in the air. My normal reaction to stress and depression is to cower from it....run from it...seclude myself. The thing is, when I go through depressive episodes, they normally only last a couple of months, max, and even during them, they're manageable with the self care techniques I've adapted over the years. And with stress, I've adapted to being able to thrive off of it for the most part. But this year has been different. Even before my dad's cancer diagnosis.

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but finally I'm at this place where I'm seeing light again. A big part of that is my usual "feel good things." Fall has arrived! And even though the temps were back up in the 80s today, the humidity is gone and the air feels amazing and it's October. The fact that October exists will always make me giddy. I spent a good amount of time yesterday emailing two of my very best friends in the world, and the happiness that that filled me with is immeasurable. But why can't I keep that up? Maybe I will...who knows. But if history repeats itself, which it always does, I won't respond to emails on a daily basis. I won't blog every day. I won't magically start reading everyone's blog every day and commenting again. I won't start soaking in the tub and reading 100 pages of a book a night. I won't drink a cup of cinnamon spice tea every night. I won't stay up to date with Marvel Unlimited and all the series I have going. I won't go walking every day in the woods when I know how good it would feel. Why not? I don't have an answer for that yet.

The place I find myself right now is really fucked up when I look at it on paper, but it's a place that in a very twisted way, I'm happy with. It's the place that I've arrived at after a year or so of struggles, heartbreaks, depressive episodes, isolation and questioning everything. And it's not a really great place, but at the same time, it's uncharted territory and it's a place that feels like healing....even among sickness. Like I said before, it's an alien place, something I've never felt before.

My dad has cancer. His body is failing him and it's easy to see that looking at him. There's a good possibility that he might not make it through this and he has one HELL of a fight ahead of him, but he's ready for that fight and that makes my heart smile. This cancer is something that I would do nearly anything to make disappear. It is the ugliest, most horrible disease I have ever seen and it hurts to watch. Having said that, I'm closer to my dad right now than I have been in 34 years. I hate that it took cancer to force this change in our relationship, but I'm thankful for this opportunity that I don't know ever would've existed otherwise. I don't know that I ever would've had a close relationship with my dad under any other circumstance. I certainly never expected to.

I talk to my dad daily now. I take care of him because I want to. I find myself wanting to be with him as much as I can. We laugh and joke and talk about cooking and argue and hug each other and tell each other we love each other. I hurt for him and I'm honest with him and I'm my authentic self with him and we've both come to accept each other and appreciate each other unconditionally, faults and all. I never thought I would have that with my dad. NEVER. And it's a wonderfully amazing thing to have. And I hate that it could all disappear. But I'm choosing not to let that be an option in my thoughts right now.

This has flowed over into every aspect of my life. I find myself appreciating every single personal relationship that I have being so so so cherished. I look at each interaction that I have with each person in my life through a new lens and realize just how special and how delicate that is. How lucky I am to have that person in my life. And I'm realizing that it's not something that I should take for granted.

I've found a renewed passion in the work that I do as a counselor. For the past few years, I've hated my main job working at the psych hospital. Not because of the actual job I do, but because of the politics of the company itself. I don't know if it's just because of everything I've had on my plate or because I've made a (un?)conscious decision to stop letting all of the drama effect me, but I've switched my priorities back to the actual work itself and it's stopped feeling so much like work. I realized that for a few years now, I've really forgotten why I do what I do. When I do assessments with new patients, it's become just going through the motions for awhile now. But lately, I've been able to connect again with my patients. Truly give them that time and be with them fully and do a good assessment and hear them and why they need the help. Not just go through the corporate motions of what the company wants of "just get the info you need to get the insurance claim approved and get them in the hospital."

More than anything, when it comes to work, I've really come to cherish my private practice. I had three clients today and when I was finished with my last client, I actually found myself disappointed and almost craving another client. I had to sit back for a second and ask myself if this was a healthy thing or not. The answer to that question is probably really complicated :p But I don't think it's a bad thing. Once again, it's a renewed passion in truly being present with my clients...that human connection...and the huge payoff in seeing them improve week by week.

So how does this all become a new and weird intersection? Because when I look at my life and take a step back, it doesn't look healthy. And that confuses the hell out of me. I don't know if this is me reading too much into things, I don't know if I'm doing ok, I don't know if I'm failing miserably at life right now....for the first time in my life, I truly can't gauge how things are and that's the weird thing.

I see a lot of the basics in my life not getting done. Laundry doesn't get done until it absolutely needs to as does the rest of the cleaning. I haven't read a physical book in two months now. I've been needing to wash my car for ages now (this is a big deal because I HATE having a dirty car). My oil needs to be changed and that's way overdue (also a big deal because I'm normally pretty anal about having that done on time). I've been wanting to write letters to friends and email so many more people back and I've failed at that. My self care has gone out of the window basically. But I'm stepping into this place in my life at the same time where in a way, I'm starting to find a new kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. And that confuses the fuck out of me. How can you be really excited an passionate about life and depressed and isolative all at the same time? Or do I just tell myself to stop worrying so much and let things come as they will?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things out to be more of a bigger deal than they are. If I'm being overly dramatic about my dad's cancer. If it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But then I see him again or he confides in me about how he's feeling and I know it's not good. I know I can't put my life on hold completely because of this, but I feel like I can't go on living life like he'll be around forever either. I hope he will be, but I know there's not a great chance of that.

I just finished reading the audiobook (guess "listened to" is the better word there :p) of Jenny Lawson's new book, Furiously Happy. It will most likely be the most memorable book of the year for me, if not one of the most memorable books of my lifetime. I listened to it at the most perfect time in my life that I think I could have. The title of the book comes from a time in Jenny's life when she was overcome with one of the darkest and deepest depressions of her life. She has major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder among a few other disorders that she openly talks about. She has coping mechanisms that are often destructive and include self harming. But during this dark and deep depression that she was in, she decided that she was going to give a big FUCK YOU to depression and in the times that she was not stuck in the deep hole, she would be "furiously happy." She was angry at her depression. And that is what this book is about. Being furiously happy. I love that. Those two words together sum up so perfectly what I'm feeling right now if there's a way to describe it and I thank Jenny so much for writing this book. It meant the world to me. It describes depression and anxiety in a way that no one else ever has in my opinion and in a way that I don't think anyone else could if you haven't lived it yourself. And it's a type of clinical depression that I don't think I'd truly felt until this year.

I guess that for now, I'll continue to be my own version of furiously happy. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, but I know that it's working for me. In it's own fucked up way at least, it's working for me. Smiles are coming back. Passions are coming back. Now I need to find balance again. That's what I'm looking for....balance. I guess the nature of cancer isn't going to allow for me to have too much balance as long as my dad is fighting this and I'm ok with that. But somehow I DO need to find a way to start finding time for me again. I don't know what magic hat I'll pull that time from, but I'll find it somewhere. I do have a week off of work coming up after this week though and FUCK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MUCH!!!!!!

Finally, my apologies to anyone who actually read this :p I really should put a disclaimer at the top of this blog that states that this blog is my own little personal journal and all are welcome to read along, but that the posts are likely to be extremely long and extremely boring to anyone but myself :p This is likely, for awhile at least, to remain a place where I sort of sort out my brain and I usually do that by just writing writing writing until things start to make a little more sense. Ok....a little bit more sense has been made and that will do for tonight :)