Things That I'm Grateful For

I've been drafting this entry in my head all week...only it hasn't been called "Things That I'm Grateful For"...it's been called "Things I Hate" and it was going to start with cancer, cancer, cancer. Followed by a myriad of other things that have upset me this week.  Focusing on the things that upset me isn't going to work right now though. At least, to the extent that I can avoid it. There are some things that no matter how much I'd love to avoid them, they're right there in front of you 24/7 like a big fat fucking elephant.

Cancer has a tendency to be personified, and that's what I'm trying to drill into my head right now. This DISEASE does not have emotions or malicious intent. It's not sitting in a corner, rubbing it's hands together and laughing at the destruction it's causing. Though it feels that way. It's the genetic mutation of cells that are causing my dad's organ tissues to not function properly. But damn is it hard to watch. It's fucking ugly. My mom was diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer a couple of years ago, which is now considered precancerous. That nearly wrecked me. And she showed no signs or symptoms of cancer aside from having to have a lumpectomy to remove the cells and has been fine since. This is totally different and it breaks my heart so bad for anyone who has EVER had to watch someone suffer with cancer. It's something I think you can't understand until you really experience it. I've given my "I'm so so sorry's" to friends over the years when their relatives were diagnosed with cancer, but I never understood how awful this disease really was until you start to see what it does. My dad gets his biopsy results on Wednesday. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. I want to have hope. I do have hope. It's also scary to see how quickly he's being affected by this. Like, in a matter of a week. I know medicine cannot work miracles. Here's hoping for the best though.

In the midst of all this, my mom sent me an email on Friday. It was a forward..a lot of times I don't look at those, depending on what the subject line was, but this one was simply titled "Grateful". She subscribes to this email newsletter called The Daily Om, which is this sort of new age, semi-Eastern Thought newsletter. She occasionally forwards these to me and sometimes I read them. I decided to read this one. And they had one giant quote at the beginning of the email when I opened it: "There is always something to be grateful for even when life is hard and times are tough." I just happened to be on a break at work on a bad night when I read this and I told myself to sit back and think about those words for a second and continued reading. Here's what the rest said:

"When times are tough, whether we are having a bad day or stuck in what may feel like an endless rut, it can be difficult to take the time to feel grateful. Yet, that is when gratitude can be most important. If we can look at our lives, during periods of challenge, and find something to be grateful for, then we can transform our realities in an instant. There are blessings to be found everywhere. When we are focusing on what is negative, our abundance can be easy to miss. Instead, choosing to find what already exists in our lives that we can appreciate can change what we see in our world. We start to notice one blessing, and then another. 

When we constantly choose to be grateful, we notice that every breath is a miracle and each smile becomes a gift. We begin to understand that difficulties are also invaluable lessons. The sun is always shining for us when we are grateful, even if it is hidden behind clouds on a rainy day. A simple sandwich becomes a feast, and a trinket is transformed into a treasure. Living in a state of gratitude allows us to spread our abundance because that is the energy that we emanate from our beings. Because the world reflects back to us what we embody, the additional blessings that inevitably flow our way give us even more to be grateful for. The universe wants to shower us with blessings. The more we appreciate life, the more life appreciates and bestows us with more goodness."

I can do without the words "blessings" and "the universe wants to shower us with.." but the essence of the article really resonated with me. My coworker, who's dad just passed away last weekend from cancer, had given me a piece of cake that he saved for me from his lunch right before I went on that break that I was taking. Reading this made me think of just that simple act. That someone thought about me earlier in the day and saved that for me. The funny thing is, I was given two more pieces of cake later in the shift by other people at the hospital :p All different cake too, lol. This made me start thinking about all of the people who had asked how my dad was doing and how I was doing. It's not that I don't appreciate that normally, but when you're under high volumes of stress, it's easy to overlook the fact that you're cared for. It's easy to not see the things that you can be grateful for in your life. Our brains become so easily trained to go straight to the negative and the overwhelming.

Perfect example...I was overwhelmed all week thinking that I have so many emails in my inbox that I have to respond to. Sitting back for a second, I can shift that thought to being grateful that I have such wonderful friends who I get to talk to. And I know that not a single one of those people in my inbox are going anywhere, nor are they going to judge me for not emailing them back immediately (they're used to that :p) This is me judging myself...choosing to focus on the negative. Making something that I'm so very very thankful for, more than I can ever put into words, into something that I stress over. 

I've been pissed off that I haven't been able to read lately. I was talking to Daphne and her partner, Keith about this yesterday. That's a HUGE thing that I was grateful for. I've known Daphne for probably about 5 or 6 years now maybe even longer? We've both disappeared from the blogging world lately, but she's always been one of my very favorite people. We're very like minded and I knew that from the second I found her blog. It's one of the things I really miss about "the old days" of book blogging. It used to be so much more personal. At least it felt that way. And I made so many awesome connections with people I never would've met were it not for blogging. I'm grateful that I've still kept most of those friendships :) But anyway, I got to meet Daphne yesterday!!!! Her and Keith came to New Orleans for a getaway and we went and had brunch together in the Marigny, my favorite part of town. I could have sat and talked with her for hours. It sounded like we've both been in book funks lately. I literally have not finished a printed book since July. We talked about go to authors or books for getting out of a funk and I now have some possibilities  but what's been keeping my reading mojo alive for now is audiobooks! I don't know what I'd do without them! So yes, I'm SO very thankful for audiobooks right now!!

Finally, education, science, research and support. I've been doing a lot of research on cancer in the last week which is a really bad idea at times and there are things I've seen which I wish I could unsee but for the most part, I am so very thankful for the amazing wealth of information that is out there. One website in particular, luncancer.org is a fantastic resource. It's just good to know that you're not alone in this, that others have been through it, have gotten through it regardless of the outcome, and that research keeps moving forward. I'm so grateful for researchers and scientists and drug developers out there who continue to advance us in fighting this and other issues. Sadly, drug developers get tied to big pharma way too often and that's really a shame. I was thinking about this with my migraine medication the other day. I'm so thankful that these medications were invented to treat my migraines...but it's disgusting that the pharmaceutical companies charge such ridiculous prices for these drugs and that they insurance companies are in bed with them dictating which companies drugs they'll allow you to have. It's even worse when it comes to a disease like cancer. Thank god my dad has insurance...medicare at least. Here's a drug that could potentially save your life, too bad you can't afford it. That's the reality for way too many people in this world. BUT going back to being grateful...I'm glad that we're slowly moving in the direction of having health coverage for more and more americans.

That grateful thing is difficult sometimes. But I'm going to keep trying. And I'm going to try to keep the word "hate" out of my vocabulary. I don't have room for that one right now.